comparing my grief

"they" say not to compare your grief to that of others.  our suffering is our own.   even those who've suffered the same loss (ie me and Patrick)  are suffering individually.  i can't help it though, i compare myself to others... sometimes i think "my story is THE worst".....others i think, gosh that's worse.

the woman with the stillborn baby:  i think, well, her loss is less. she didn't spend every day with that child, know that child.   but then i think, would i have preferred Nolan to have been stillborn?  to never have known him?  to never have had those 13 years?   whose loss is truly greater?

the child who dies from cancer:   i say "at least they had warning!!!  "  our traumatic situation feels so much more horrible, the blindsiding in our own home that robbed our other children of security.   yet...... cancer..... imagining my sweet Nolan suffering for months, excruciating pain, not being able to help him.   can i honestly say I'd choose that simply so i could have warning?

the mother who loses a grown child who has children of their own:  my first thought is selfish.  "they had more time with their child. they are so lucky.  and at least they have grandchildren,  a part of their lost child"  is her loss any less than my own?  sure, i envy the extra years that she had with her child, but she hurts the same as i.

the child who dies in some sort of accident:  unlike me and Nolan, there something or someone to blame,  the driver of another car, the carelessness of the child, mother nature....yet, they too had a sudden unexpected shock, they too went from normal to this hell.  and they may even suffer more guilt than i do.... i feel many "what ifs" about Nolan.  yet, imagine the guilt of the mother who was driving the car which caused the accident or the mother who wasn't paying close attention to her child and something happened.   we are all lost without our child.  who is truly suffering more?

there's the awful circumstance that takes the life of a child, a senseless act of violence, murder:  again, someone to blame...but knowing how scared your child must have been... i don't know if Nolan was scared.  i pray he wasn't.  i hope he died in his sleep.  but a child murdered, gunpoint,what have you, knowing the fear they felt...

we are all suffering the loss of child.   there really is no comparing.  my pain is horrific.  so is the pain of the many other bereaved mothers.   we can't compare our individual suffering with the suffering of anyone else..

besides, what good does that do?