thirteen

there is nothing about this that seems right,  nothing.  how can the death a beautiful thirteen year old boy be meant to be?

but you know that saying about how our children are merely on loan to us from God?

as i try to find some teeny,itty bitty bit of solace, i think of something that almost makes "on loan to us" thing seem like it really applies to Nolan.  the day Nolan,my sweet love,my boy, died, December 31, 2012, was exactly thirteen years since he came home with us.  he was brought home from gottlieb memorial hospital December 31, 1999, exactly thirteen years before he was taken from us.   i find something about that striking.

Nolan wasn't growing the last two weeks in my womb.  if my Dr hadn't been very thorough on that Dec 21, 1999 appointment, Nolan would have died.  he was born nearly six weeks early, but was the size of being eight weeks early.  he was three pounds, twelve ounces, a sweet tiny boy.  i loved him immensely immediately.  he only had to stay in the hospital nine days,then they sent him home with two parents who knew nothing about being parents, but knew we loved this small being more than we had ever loved anything before.

at four months of age, Nolan spent a few days in the hospital with rsv, breathing problems.   we were so scared.

he came home with us.  we enjoyed him for thirteen wonderful years.  thirteen was not enough time, not even close.  but i still find the exact time of thirteen years something to ponder.