sleep arrangements, revised

due to the fear that at least a few of us are feeling, we have been sleeping in various arrangements.  mostly, it has been the girls in my bed, Patrick and Logan in ciara's room.  Liam in his own.   is it stupid that i wish Liam wanted sleep with one of us?  i get up a couple times a n ight to go check on him.  i think Patrick does the same.  he is wearing a heart monitor.  if something unusual happens, we should hear it.  however, as exhausted as we are,  i fear that it could go off at a time that I'm actually sleeping soundly.  it will only go off for a minute.  so i could miss it.  i need a baby monitor too.  doors are now all open when lights are off.

i can't help but have the what ifs about Nolan..... if he hadn't been alone that night, would be here now?  if i hadn't slept with my bedroom door shut, would he be here? if Nolan's door had been open?   so many little what ifs that could have possibly saved our son, our sweet child.