no matter how much I "move on"....

I can't stop thinking about what I have lost.  I can't hug my son.  My sweet, first born son.  How can I not hug him?  How can I not kiss him goodnight?  Or hear his voice?  Or see him laugh at something silly? 

Nolan was such a good boy.... but he was a boy... he'd think some of the strangest things funny.  He'd pick on his sister.  He'd grumble when I asked him to do dishes. 

but he'd do the dishes.... and he would do them well.  He always did a good job at the jobs that he was given....

and he would apologize to Ciara without my prompting when he realized he was being a little mean.  He wanted to do what was right.  He wasn't perfect, so he didn't always do what was right... but he tried.  He'd make up for it when he realized he didn't.  And he'd usually feel bad about it.  He had a strong conscience pulling him in the right direction. 

I try to push myself to be strong... to accept this loss.  to accept what has happened.  because, well, let's face it, what choice do i have?  it happened.  it is our new reality.  i choke back the tears several times a day because I don't want my kids seeing me cry all the time.  even though i'd like to cry all the time.  i turn my thoughts from Nolan to something trivial like a tv show or pinterest (or a tv show pin on pinterest) trying to forget the hurt I am feeling.  because it is a constant stabbing pain.  it's there. always. 

i'm still struggling with sleep.... some nights I get just a couple hours... often, i will make up for it the next night.  night before last i probably had 2 hours sleep, but last night, i slept probably between 6-8.  but the lack of sleep on top of the sadness and pain makes me grumpy.  i want to kick myself when i hear the grouchy tone i take with my kids because you would think i would learn my lesson that i'm not guaranteed a tomorrow with them....

that's the thing, we are not guaranteed a tomorrow with our kids, with our parents, with our spouses, with our friends.  i learned that the most horrific way possible.  without warning or reason.  i lost my son.  he's gone.  i didn't get all the tomorrows i thought i would.... most of my regrets about what i thought i would do "soon" with him are trivial, yet significant to me because they should have been done or could have been done.... and now never will be done. 

yet, i still find myself not being the best mom to my remaining on earth children... i'm grouchy, grouchy, distracted, busy, grumpy, not the kind of mom i have ever wanted to be.... yet i am.  i lost Nolan, yet I am still not being the kind of mom I should be to my children.... why?  why can't i?   let's face it, even before Nolan died (i hate those words), i wasn't the best mom.  i was often grumpy, distracted, busy.... i am rarely cheerful.  what is wrong with me?  i know right now i have reason to lack cheerfulness.... but i need to be cheerful for my children.  period.  last year, someone on facebook posted this thing at new years about picking one word to be your resolution for the year... i chose cheerful.... did i do it?  nah.... why don't i smile more?  why?  my kids need a mom who smiles.  remember in the little house on the prairie books?  laura was always talking about her mom's smile... i bet you'd never hear my kids talk about my smile.... i need to change that.... in my "moving on" and getting on with my life, my new normal as they call it, i need to smile more... even though right now, in the new normal, smiling is hard as hell.  it's probably more important than ever....