attempting to have faith again...

Last night, Patrick and I (and of course, Ella) spent the evening with a wonderful priest, Father Hansen.  Let me back up a bit....
I think it was Friday night that I was talking to a friend, Valerie, on Facebook.  She had asked how I was doing.  It progressed into a conversation about, among other things, how this tragedy had made me doubt everything, how my Faith was shaken, or even just plain GONE....  Valerie asked if I had talked to the priest at the parish we have been attending.  And though I do like him a lot, I explained that he's just not that priest that I feel like I can talk to... maybe I'm wrong & I could.  But I just didn't feel comfortable having a lack-of-faith conversation with him.  So then she mentioned Father Hansen whom I know from the church where we do our Friday Co-op.  And I said that yes, he seemed like someone I could talk to.  So at Valerie's suggestion, I mentioned that I may want to talk to him to Katy Christy.  Katy proceeded to text him & he said he'd call me. 

Let me say that part of the reason for my like of this priest is that he seemed to know Nolan just from the few short months he knew him at Co-op.  Every week at Co-op, the kids have an opportunity to go to confession.  From what I have learned since I lost my sweet boy, Nolan was always the first kid in line for confession every Friday.  He truly did take his Faith seriously.  What a great kid!  What a huge loss...... 

So on Sunday afternoon, I get a text from Katy saying "hey, I'm going to come pick up your kids so that Father Hansen can come to your house & talk to you and Patrick".... a few minutes later, I get a message from Father saying he'll be here around 6 or so.  Funny thing is, Patrick knew none of this.  He was at work Sunday, didn't know when he'd be home.  He knew about the conversation I had with Valerie, but that was about it.  So everything worked out pretty well.  Katy arrived a little early, Ciara was still at a playdate.  She finally got home, then Patrick got home.  He had already been to Mass.  So we were good to go.  Katy to the kids to her house.  Patrick had a bite to eat.  Then Father showed up. 

Here's the thing... I'm hurting so much right now.  So much.  And I'm angry with God.  I'm doubtful about everything.  And that is all, all, all negative.... The hurting, well, that's just going to happen.  but one thing I realized in talking to Father is that the pain isn't going to improve if I don't try to trust in God again.  And how am I going to do that unless I make an effort by praying?    What good does it to do me to sink deeper into a black pit of despair that exists because I have no faith?   

Father spent more than 2 hours at our home.  When he left, I didn't have some huge epiphany.  However, I did have a slightly renewed hope.  It's going to take me awhile to feel joyful about God again.  But I think that I can...  That's something that I didn't feel 2 days ago. 

I had 13 wonderful years with Nolan.  I could have only had 2 years with him.  Or 4.  Or 1 month.  I do thank God for 13 wonderful years.  They were the best years of my life.