it is hell losing your thirteen year old son....hell. the hole is so immense, the pain unimaginable. the heartbreak is so unbearable. but then to have this big question of what caused it hanging over your head is enough to drive you crazy. i go to bed in fear every single night. so does my nine year old daughter. I'm convinced now that i have what Nolan had and that my kids are going to lose their mother. I'm scared,so scared,that my other four children all have it and that one by one I'm going to lose them. I'm scared that Patrick could be the one with this awful genetic thing and that my kid s will growup without a father. the fear is its own hell. so I'm living in two hells
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