a few things i miss.... an incomplete list

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1570354-just-a-few-things-that-i-miss-about-my-son

just a few random thoughts on things i'm thinking of today.... and every day.... I miss you

comfort

there is comfort in the kind words, the prayers, the virtual hugs, the real hugs, the emails, the cards... there is comfort. 

Nolan is gone.  nothing fills that void.

yet I have people reaching out to me, mostly virtually, but still, reaching out.  I imagine a world before facebook.  I think if I had lost my son then.  my void would be the same.  but would I have as much comfort as I do now?  I don't know.  the world has changed. 

I used to be one of those gals who spoke on the phone with friends every day.  now I rarely talk on the phone.  so maybe, just maybe, if facebook weren't around, i'd have real contact with people?  I don't know.  it's just a different place now.

but i'm thankful for the friends that I have.  i'm thankful for them checking in on me and saying they are thinking of me. 

i'm sad.  the sadness is there.  period.  Nolan is gone & all the comforting friends in the world can't replace him.  but i'm grateful for the comfort.

more to feel sick about

Money
http://www.bubblews.com/news/1522328-money-from-my-childamp039s-death-kind-of-sucks

trying to function while grieving

some random thoughts in this post  http://www.bubblews.com/news/1516450-i-think-grieving-parents-should-get-some-kind-of-a-pass

just not doing well right now

can't breathe, anxiety abounds, can't eat, nausea, more tears than usual... feel like I should be in a mental hospital.  i'm a mess.  I can't function.  I can't focus on the kids.  I feel bad, I know they are worried about me. I can't focus to pray other than begging God to make me feel better.  Yet He doesn't.  My house falls into a bigger mess because I just can't do anything.... I'm scared for my health.  Scared for my kids. 

a song someone just shared with me

well, this song says it all.... I miss you Nolan. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frsDzIQ4gQI&feature=youtu.be

i feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown

The last week has been miserable, yes, they are all miserable to an extent, but the last week had been even worse.  I'm crying constantly and having anxiety attacks several times daily.  When not having a full on attack, I'm constantly anxious.  It's taking a toll on me.  I'm not feeling healthy at all, I'm even more exhausted, and my house is even messier than usual.  I can't focus, my poor kids...I feel like I'm bein g such a bad mom to them.  I feel like I need a companion to just come sit and hold my hand through my anxiety attacks, or to do my laundry, or to take care of my kids while I cry in my room.  I went to the Dr and am starting on an antibiotic which will hopefully help my breathing and an daily anxiety pill, but that takes a couple weeks to notice effects....so please pray for me.  I need it.