first post

fourteen days ago was my last day on earth with my beautiful thirteen year old son Nolan.  it was kind of a yucky day.  I was exhausted and napped a couple hours with my two year old.  I spent no quality time with Nolan.  I had no idea he would be taken from me sometime while he slept. it was unexpected and at this time, it is unexplained. an autopsy has been performed, but we have to wait possibly three months for results. I am heart broken, sorrowful, empty, angry, sick, guilt ridden, filed with what ifs, sad, sad, sad....sad doesn't seem a strong enough word for this pain.I'm only writing this, blogging this, because I feel like screaming. I am acquainted with a mother who lost her three year old a few years ago and she said she wrote a lot about it. so I'm trying it.  nothing will bring back my boy, my Nolan, my first born son who taught me the meaning of the deepest love.but I have four other children and a wonderful husband who are also suffering and they need me.we all need to someday be able to feel happiness again.if I didn't have my other kids,I would crawl in a hole and die. but the are here and I love them and I am so grateful to have them.they still bring me joy though I feel no joy right now.but they have made me smile and laugh something that feels impossible.  my dear husband and I are leaning on each other, both of us suffering the worst possible suffering imaginable.he is my rock. I am so grateful for him.so in the midst of this he'll and yes it is hell, I do grasp at these things for which I am grateful. there is still love here in our home. but oh my.....I miss my Nolan so so so much.  I love him so much.  oh Nolan,I need you