A New Post...

i guess due to google/blogger's annoying issues with adsense, i haven't written here in awhile.  i'll share a post i wrote ELSEWHERE.....

https://wordpress.com/read/post/feed/36926556/893795453

I'm Tired

Sometimes I just feel so tired.  

I'm tired of never being able to just wallow in my grief. 

I always have to be on duty for my kids. 

I can never just stay in bed all day even though I want to. 

I always have to take the kids places, nearly every day.  There's no time to just be sad. 

Don't get me wrong, I am always sad. 

I just never get to just BE. 

I'm grateful that I have my other children, please do not think otherwise.  I'm so grateful.  I know they are the only reason I am surviving.   I'm so thankful that they are here for me to take to activities one, two, three, and four. 

However, grief is exhausting. 

exhausting

sometimes I just want to call in sick, but I can't.  i'm a mom.

Sometimes I Don't Want it to get Easier

 Sometimes I think it is wrong to feel ok.  Sometimes I think it is wrong to smile.

Saying it is better is like saying it is ok that Nolan is gone. 

 Getting used to it is like getting used to living without a heart, a brain, lungs, limbs, and more. 

 Life without my son is never going to be ok.  Never.  Yet I must live on.  I must keep on.

 When I see his beautiful smile, his face lit up, his zest for life in photos, it is a reminder of what is lost.

 I'm grateful for my photographs of him, but they just emphasize the horror of our loss.

 He should be here.  We should not be here without him.  He should be here.

 Yes, two years later and I am still a broken record.  I still have a broken heart. 

 Not all broken hearts mend. 

 The broken heart of a bereaved mother is broken forever. 

 So it shouldn't be better and it really can't be. 

Sadness

I look at your pictures, so full of life, and I cannot believe this is real.  it's been 18 months.  some people might say "get on with your life!"  and they do not know.  they cannot understand unless they have lost a child. I will never simply get on with my life again.  my life as I knew it is over.  this is a new worse life.  that's the fact jack.  it's worse.  I hate that.  I hate it for my other children.  but I can't help it

I still look at these photos of my sweet Nolan and sometimes I think it has to be a nightmare.  how can this be true?  how can something so horrible be true?

 I worry about my other children.  I see how I try to distract myself from the pain and I worry about them doing the same as they grow older.  I hpe that as children they are not effected the same way as me.

Unfairness and Reality

The unfairness of it all continues to rear its ugly head.  I think it will continue to do so for the rest of my life. 

grief is tiring. 

the reality of it is that grieving mothers do not get over it.  some may be excellent at putting on a fake face, but the reality is that we hurt inside.  and we always will

Faith is not-so-good now

how do you reconcile so much pain, so much unnecessary heartbreak, so much lost with a loving God?

 my faith is shaken, thrown in a blender on high no lid on it shaken... I'll be honest, leading up to this horrific day, my faith was already shaky. so much didn't make sense to me before Nolan died, yes BEFORE!  now what.  do you think this has made me stronger in my faith?

first and foremost, my son was stolen from me in the middle of the night or early in the morning with no FREAKING warning.  none!!!!!  he's 13!!!!!! how the hell can that make sense????????  the pain is unbearable.

and the unnecessary fear it has caused my other children, especially ciara, though I'm sure they are all scared,  how can that serve a purpose????  how can a nine year old girl fear falling asleep every single night be right?   how can all the tummy ache she is having be part of a plan?

now my faith in people is another story altogether.  the amazing love of these people, some people I have never met is just something else.  people are truly good.

I would like to have faith again....

I miss Nolan

from the deepest part of my soul,I miss my son.

when I  awake in the morning s, he should be sitting on the couch because nine times out of ten, he beat me out of bed.  when I'm working on the house after lunch, he should be coming in the kitchen to tell me how nice it is outside and try to. convince me to stop what I'm doing and go out. when I'm trying to get everyone ready for bed, I should hear him having one of his great bedtime talks with daddy.  when I can't decide what to make for dinner, I should hear his mischievous voice say "noodles and company"  as he tried to use my weak spot to convince me were should eat out. when we are running late, I should hear him grumbling because he hates to be late.  when I get ready for bed, I should get to kiss my beautiful son goodnight and hear his sweet voice tell me he loves me.

none of this is right.  I miss Nolan so much

almost posted this under my other blog from happier days

my other blog is called "life and all its good stuff "  started at a time when I never expected my life to take such a shattering turn.  I feel like, now, how can I put words there? good stuff???  I'm grieving.  I will grieve forever.  you don't get over grief for your dead son....you just don't.  it has only been 27 days, but I already know that.  but this weekend proved that there is still some happiness to be had even in this dark night.

first, we spent three very full days at the great wolf lodge compliments of nana and Patrick's siblings.  the kids had a great time.  and when Patrick and I let ourselves, we enjoyed the time with the kids.  yes, there was plenty of sadness mixed in.  Nolan should have been there.  he should be here, period, now.  and that hole will be there, always.... any fun family time we have... Nolan should be there.  but the kids deserve to have fun family times nonetheless.

more good stuff that we experienced is the amazing outpouring of love and support from our homeschool community.  while we were at the lodge, they did an extreme makeover on our home....for for days people were working on our home.  people worked from seven am to three am.  kids and grown ups working together, fixing things that have needed fixed forever.  it blows me away.  people donated their time, their money for us.  people we know from this and that. friends,  some closer friends, some merely acquaintances, even a total stranger.   they even had a priest come bless the house. what amazing people.  I now know what kind of a person I need to be. these people are all so selfless, so kind, so generous,so amazing. I need to be that way.

 so in this dark, dark night of my soul, I got to appreciate some good stuff this weekend thanks to our loving family and our faithful homeschool community.

the good, the bad, yeah, mostly the bad.... sorry

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I don't want to inundate my friends on Facebook with my grief, my sorrow, my pain.  I have always kind of lived out loud on fb from sharing my children's exploits to my adventures in the kitchen to my passion for lord of the rings.... my statuses have ranged from mundane (guess what I had for dinner) to exciting (it's a girl#!)...  the death of Nolan hasn't been something I have talked about in my little status updates each day on fb.  oh I have a couple times briefly... of course, but not only is it just too much sorrow to share like that, but I really don't want everyone to feel sad....I know I'm going to have that effect now on people.  when they see me, for a long time, they will feel sad.  sometimes, random crazy bereaved mom thought, when I'm in a public place and I feel the heaviness in my heart and behind my eyes, I want to walk up to strangers and say, my son just died....he was 13 and we still don't know what happened.... but I don't.... I watch the strangers going on with their lives....I scan their faces to see if I see any signs of sorrow.   if I see an elderly person, I especially look at them....they have had more time to experience something tragic. wonder why I want strangers to know my sadness....

perhaps it is my anger at the world for going on....how dare these people lead a normal life when my precious son was taken from me.  or maybe it is simply that I am consumed by sorrow.  consumed.this anguish taints the entire world now.


so writing here, living out loud, I can say a little more about my thoughts and feelings than I can on fb.  and if someone wants to read it, it is here.... but no one has to

it's that time of night

I thought perhaps I'd sleep better tonight.  we are in a hotel room, all in the same room.  I was wrong. I did doze for a few minutes near midnight'...but yeah, that didn't count.  I'm listening to every of sound my kids make.  I'm reliving the worst day of my life, Dec 31,2012',  in my mind. the night is so dark and it seems to be best ignored by reading  pinterest, Facebook, playing words with friends, checking email..all until I can no longer keep my eyes open.
we were given the gift of three nights at a hotel with water slides, pools, etc, by my husband's siblings and mother this weekend.  the kids are loving it.I'm mildly distracted for a bit, then in tears...it is really for the kids though and I'm happy that can enjoy themselves.  Liam seems sad.  I know he misses Nolan.

while we are out of our house, the homeschool community is cleaning and fixing at our house.I'm embarrassed at the sight of my house.  I'm scared of them doing too much.  I don't want the memories of Nolan to be wiped away by accident...I'm grateful for the love and kindness they are showing our family. I'd trade all of it if I could have Nolan back. I'd trade my life for his.  I'd spend my life in solitary confinement if I knew he was living out here with the rest of the family. I would be a friendless, lonely soul if I could have Nolan back.

were there symptoms and we missed it?

I will always question some of my choices that I made concerning Nolan...  I think twice he told me he had a pain or just feeling in his chest.  not super recently, but within a few months.  both times I asked him to do his inhaler and asked if it felt like asthma.he did not continue to complain.  so I chalked it up to nothing.  my kids always have been slightly paranoid about every physical symptom.  so as a mom,I have tried to make them fear not.  because most of the time it is nothing....I now wonder if I had taken him to the Dr, if he would still be here.  did his chest still hurt and he just didn't tell me?  did he think . that he didn't want to bother me?

also, my memory stinks, but I think the night before we lost my precious boy, he told me something was bugging him when I said it was time to do dishes..... I cannot remember what now.  why can't I remember????   sometimes the kids do that though when it is time for a chore.  so I said "it is a good thing there aren't a lot of dishes then."  the thing is, he didn't complain the rest of the night.  he watched a movie, said prayers with daddy, ate a bunch of food..... I think he would have mentioned it if something was still bugging him. and he did act fine all evening.  what if though???
what an absolute epic failure I am if those three times had to do with this horribly wrong mysterious death???????????     and why can't I remember his exact words from that night???

see Liam has also complained of chest stuff here and there....but always briefly.  and we always thought it was nothing because it stopped quickly.  since this hell started, we had Liam have a huge cardiac checkup... everything looked fine, but we still have more checking to do.  one night his chest hurt and I made Patrick take him to er.  he was fine.  they said it was his chest muscles, not his heart.. how do you know though?  now I feel like I must take my kids for every little symptom.
when Nolan had a big mole on his shoulder a couple years ago, he was convinced he had skin cancer and was so scared. he was so paranoid for awhile about any Sun touching his shoulder.  we really had to work to make him not be scared.  he had the mole removed, it was fine.  but he was a little hypochondriac-ish.  so you see, for mental health, I always tried to make my kids NOT worry when they had a headache, tummy ache, chest ache....  I thought I was being a good mom.

I should say that I am a hypochondriac of sorts.  and when the kids would complain of symptoms, I would worry.... but I'd tell myself to chill out...the kids were healthy, nothing to worry about. I'm saying this all in past tense...I still worry, even more so now.  I have always worried about health stuff in me and my kids... yet here we are.

the kids will tell me every time something"feels funny"..... like a strange ache in the shoulder, a tummy ache, sore finger....  what if some THING that felt funny with Nolan was IT.....the cause of this anguish.  what if my attempts to stop my kids from being hypochondriac s were the cause if missing something important????? what if Nolan just didn't want to bother me?  what have I done wrong to make him think he is a bother????   I'm always distracted, busy, tired, grumpy.....  what if he just did not want to bother me....  I feel so responsible for his death.  I feel like i should have known.  I feel like I missed something.  I'm his mom.  it is my job to keep him safe.  I failed

awake

everything about this is hard...there is not one thing good.  something especially hard is hearing my sweet husband speak with such despair.  this is a man who has faced so many trials in the last few years.  and he always faced them with such a positive attitude.  none of those trials compare to this of course.  nothing in life can compare to t this nightmare, this hell on earth.   we trudge on though only because we have to.we have four beautiful kids forcing us to do that.  really we have five forcing us to do it because if you think about Nolan, he does not want us to crawl into a hole and never come out.  that would make him so sad.  oh but it is hell....knowing I won't be able to hug him, talk to him, watch him be silly, watch him wrestle with Liam, watch him play soccer, listen to him laugh, witness him grow up.  that was all snatched away from us and we do not even know why....hell

another night passed...maybe three hours of sleep

Patrick and I were talking yesterday about how this sadness will never ever g go away.... the rest of our life on earth e we will be sad that we were robbed of our son, Nolan.  Patrick, who had always been an optimistic, cheerful person even when facing all kinds of other things in the past, is now a sad person for always....I, whom used to be"happy-go-lucky" Jill will never be that person again.  I feel ancient now, I feel the sorrow that I have only read about in my many books.  only its so much worse.  I already wonder when or if, I guess I should say, people will want to pull away from me because I'm just too sad to be around....right now every person wants to comfort me, but eventually everyone else gets to move on in their own life.  not me, not us.  my very best friend Nancy lost her brother two years ago. she has experienced enough grief that I think she will be ok with my new self.  but other people will probably start to move the other way when they see me coming because I will just make them sad.  in the short time since this has happened,I have even physically aged....I used to look a teeny but younger than my age, now I look older.  I don't really care about that, my vanity is gone, but it is just an observation....  I'm sure the lack of sleep hasn't helped. or the fact that I haven't brushed my hair for probably a week.

I can't sleep

we don't know what killed my beautiful son, Nolan.  he went to bed seemingly healthy and never woke up. as we struggle through this horrifying pain, we are also facing this immense fear.  we are scared to death!!!! what about our other four children?  what if it is hereditary? what if the same thing happens to one of the others?  I'd pray for God to protect them but I'm having a little hard time trusting God right now when he is the one who took Nolan from me. an autopsy was performed, but results take a long time and even then may be inconclusive.... really??? so we are looking into genetic testing for the kids.  in the meanwhile,I can't sleep.  I'm scared.  and every night my daughter asks me if she's going to die in her sleep too.  she is scared.  my body wants sleep.my brain is afraid of it.  oh God we need answers soon.  it won't bring Nolan back. but it may help the rest of US to function again. my daughter just fell  asleep....it is 2:25am...... that isn't good for her.  this isn't good for me . my tummy hurts and I'm exhausted and I'm sad, oh so enormously sad

second post

this hurts!!!!!  the pain is so freaking unbearable, unreal, but too real.it is just not fair!!!!! I want to scream and cry at the top of my lungs, but I can't.  I have to be relatively strong for my kids.  yes, they see me cry, that is expected.  but the screaming, the raging against God, the sobs....I try to save those for when I'm alone. why would God take my son?  why????

first post

fourteen days ago was my last day on earth with my beautiful thirteen year old son Nolan.  it was kind of a yucky day.  I was exhausted and napped a couple hours with my two year old.  I spent no quality time with Nolan.  I had no idea he would be taken from me sometime while he slept. it was unexpected and at this time, it is unexplained. an autopsy has been performed, but we have to wait possibly three months for results. I am heart broken, sorrowful, empty, angry, sick, guilt ridden, filed with what ifs, sad, sad, sad....sad doesn't seem a strong enough word for this pain.I'm only writing this, blogging this, because I feel like screaming. I am acquainted with a mother who lost her three year old a few years ago and she said she wrote a lot about it. so I'm trying it.  nothing will bring back my boy, my Nolan, my first born son who taught me the meaning of the deepest love.but I have four other children and a wonderful husband who are also suffering and they need me.we all need to someday be able to feel happiness again.if I didn't have my other kids,I would crawl in a hole and die. but the are here and I love them and I am so grateful to have them.they still bring me joy though I feel no joy right now.but they have made me smile and laugh something that feels impossible.  my dear husband and I are leaning on each other, both of us suffering the worst possible suffering imaginable.he is my rock. I am so grateful for him.so in the midst of this he'll and yes it is hell, I do grasp at these things for which I am grateful. there is still love here in our home. but oh my.....I miss my Nolan so so so much.  I love him so much.  oh Nolan,I need you