With You, A Poem

This was originally posted on Bubblews in September of 2014.

If only I could be with you
I'd listen to you talk
I'd watch the way your eyes light up
I'd watch the way you walk

If only I could be with you
I'd listen to you play
Your fingers up and down the keys
Music speaks what you wish to say

If only I could be with you
I'd watch the way you move
Fancy footwork on the soccer field
You finally finding your groove

If only I could be with you
I'd watch the way you draw
I would soak in every picture
As I imagined what you saw

If only I could be with you
I'd feel the way you touch
I'd cherish every hug and kiss
I would love you so very much

Jealousy is Ugly

yet another story being shared of a child who we are praying for who is getting better. 

it's not that I don't want that child to get better.

I do.

I just don't understand why we couldn't get a miracle.  I don't understand why we didn't even have a chance.  My son died in his sleep with no warning.  How the hell is that fair?

A Puzzling Aspect of Grief

http://www.bubblews.com/news/6684000-a-part-of-my-grief-that-puzzles-me

I don't know what it is about this. 

This is the stuff that scares me

here's a link to info about myocarditis, what killed Nolan.  if you read the symptoms, they are so vague.  how many times have my kids had those very symptoms?  it sucks.  it really sucks that something like this exists!!!!

http://www.myocarditisfoundation.org/about-myocarditis/

ciara

I worry so much about their health.  I think she might have heartburn, but she doesn' tknow how to explain it to me. 

i don't know why it matters

But it does...

I have a good friend or two or three who, after the initial reachingh out, haven't been reaching out... nothing much matters to me, but I do think of it and feel hurt.

Maybe it is because I have a pile of thank yous that I still haven't written....  it's embarrassing really

Maybe there is an uncertainty with how to act

I have a couple friends who just periodically email or text me to say "hey, I'm thinking of you."  Or I'm praying for you"  or how are you.that means a lot to me

It's just funny because my brain is so frazzled, yet I'm aware of stuff like this, stuff that shouldn't matter.  My world has crashed, so really it's all trivial...  I just wonder sometimes if they really get just how messed up my world is now.... how a caring "how are you" would be appreciated.

hard day

all the days are hard...  today the permanence of our situation is weighing heavily on my heart.  the permanence of living without Nolan.  it hurts so much.  i put on public face, but inside I'm getting even more today than i was a week ago.  the hurting doesn't stop.  some days I'm better at living than others...some days i am able to laugh with my kids, smile at something a friend said, focus on positive stuff.  but even when I'm laughing,I'm hurting

Faith is not-so-good now

how do you reconcile so much pain, so much unnecessary heartbreak, so much lost with a loving God?

 my faith is shaken, thrown in a blender on high no lid on it shaken... I'll be honest, leading up to this horrific day, my faith was already shaky. so much didn't make sense to me before Nolan died, yes BEFORE!  now what.  do you think this has made me stronger in my faith?

first and foremost, my son was stolen from me in the middle of the night or early in the morning with no FREAKING warning.  none!!!!!  he's 13!!!!!! how the hell can that make sense????????  the pain is unbearable.

and the unnecessary fear it has caused my other children, especially ciara, though I'm sure they are all scared,  how can that serve a purpose????  how can a nine year old girl fear falling asleep every single night be right?   how can all the tummy ache she is having be part of a plan?

now my faith in people is another story altogether.  the amazing love of these people, some people I have never met is just something else.  people are truly good.

I would like to have faith again....

it's that time of night

I thought perhaps I'd sleep better tonight.  we are in a hotel room, all in the same room.  I was wrong. I did doze for a few minutes near midnight'...but yeah, that didn't count.  I'm listening to every of sound my kids make.  I'm reliving the worst day of my life, Dec 31,2012',  in my mind. the night is so dark and it seems to be best ignored by reading  pinterest, Facebook, playing words with friends, checking email..all until I can no longer keep my eyes open.
we were given the gift of three nights at a hotel with water slides, pools, etc, by my husband's siblings and mother this weekend.  the kids are loving it.I'm mildly distracted for a bit, then in tears...it is really for the kids though and I'm happy that can enjoy themselves.  Liam seems sad.  I know he misses Nolan.

while we are out of our house, the homeschool community is cleaning and fixing at our house.I'm embarrassed at the sight of my house.  I'm scared of them doing too much.  I don't want the memories of Nolan to be wiped away by accident...I'm grateful for the love and kindness they are showing our family. I'd trade all of it if I could have Nolan back. I'd trade my life for his.  I'd spend my life in solitary confinement if I knew he was living out here with the rest of the family. I would be a friendless, lonely soul if I could have Nolan back.

were there symptoms and we missed it?

I will always question some of my choices that I made concerning Nolan...  I think twice he told me he had a pain or just feeling in his chest.  not super recently, but within a few months.  both times I asked him to do his inhaler and asked if it felt like asthma.he did not continue to complain.  so I chalked it up to nothing.  my kids always have been slightly paranoid about every physical symptom.  so as a mom,I have tried to make them fear not.  because most of the time it is nothing....I now wonder if I had taken him to the Dr, if he would still be here.  did his chest still hurt and he just didn't tell me?  did he think . that he didn't want to bother me?

also, my memory stinks, but I think the night before we lost my precious boy, he told me something was bugging him when I said it was time to do dishes..... I cannot remember what now.  why can't I remember????   sometimes the kids do that though when it is time for a chore.  so I said "it is a good thing there aren't a lot of dishes then."  the thing is, he didn't complain the rest of the night.  he watched a movie, said prayers with daddy, ate a bunch of food..... I think he would have mentioned it if something was still bugging him. and he did act fine all evening.  what if though???
what an absolute epic failure I am if those three times had to do with this horribly wrong mysterious death???????????     and why can't I remember his exact words from that night???

see Liam has also complained of chest stuff here and there....but always briefly.  and we always thought it was nothing because it stopped quickly.  since this hell started, we had Liam have a huge cardiac checkup... everything looked fine, but we still have more checking to do.  one night his chest hurt and I made Patrick take him to er.  he was fine.  they said it was his chest muscles, not his heart.. how do you know though?  now I feel like I must take my kids for every little symptom.
when Nolan had a big mole on his shoulder a couple years ago, he was convinced he had skin cancer and was so scared. he was so paranoid for awhile about any Sun touching his shoulder.  we really had to work to make him not be scared.  he had the mole removed, it was fine.  but he was a little hypochondriac-ish.  so you see, for mental health, I always tried to make my kids NOT worry when they had a headache, tummy ache, chest ache....  I thought I was being a good mom.

I should say that I am a hypochondriac of sorts.  and when the kids would complain of symptoms, I would worry.... but I'd tell myself to chill out...the kids were healthy, nothing to worry about. I'm saying this all in past tense...I still worry, even more so now.  I have always worried about health stuff in me and my kids... yet here we are.

the kids will tell me every time something"feels funny"..... like a strange ache in the shoulder, a tummy ache, sore finger....  what if some THING that felt funny with Nolan was IT.....the cause of this anguish.  what if my attempts to stop my kids from being hypochondriac s were the cause if missing something important????? what if Nolan just didn't want to bother me?  what have I done wrong to make him think he is a bother????   I'm always distracted, busy, tired, grumpy.....  what if he just did not want to bother me....  I feel so responsible for his death.  I feel like i should have known.  I feel like I missed something.  I'm his mom.  it is my job to keep him safe.  I failed

awake

everything about this is hard...there is not one thing good.  something especially hard is hearing my sweet husband speak with such despair.  this is a man who has faced so many trials in the last few years.  and he always faced them with such a positive attitude.  none of those trials compare to this of course.  nothing in life can compare to t this nightmare, this hell on earth.   we trudge on though only because we have to.we have four beautiful kids forcing us to do that.  really we have five forcing us to do it because if you think about Nolan, he does not want us to crawl into a hole and never come out.  that would make him so sad.  oh but it is hell....knowing I won't be able to hug him, talk to him, watch him be silly, watch him wrestle with Liam, watch him play soccer, listen to him laugh, witness him grow up.  that was all snatched away from us and we do not even know why....hell

Sunday morning

we are sitting drinking coffee, the kids watching cartoons before we head to church.  such a normal thing to do, but it is far from normal.  our small crowded house feels empty.  there should be a growing teenage boy squeezed in between me and Liam on the couch.
yesterday we had a busy day...busy is good I guess.  it distracts a little.... I spent a lot of the day at a friend's house.  Liam and daddy joined us after the scout campout and we spent the evening with them, dinner, drinks.  the whole time, my mind is thinking how Nolan should be there.  we met these friend around the time that Nolan was turning one.  their son Edward's birthday only two days earlier.  the boys have celebrated almost every birthday together.  every single time Edward was talking to me or his mom, my heart was aching because Nolan wasn't there talking to me.  I love Edward and his siblings because I have watched them grow, but it was painful to be around him last night.  I hope that eases up a bit.  I don't see how it will though.

as I drove home, I was saddened because the last time we drove down that street, I was bringing Nolan home from Edward's birthday party less than a month ago.  it feels like yesterday, yet it feels like a lifetime ago.

horrible stories

I keep hearing these horrible stories... things that have made me think that as horrible as this is, there are actually a few things that could be worse.  the stories don't make me feel better, however they make me appreciate the blessings that I do have in my marriage and my other children.
I heard a story of as woman whose ex husband murdered their three daughters.  how could she survive that?  she has survived though with love and support from friends and family.  but I know her heart is broken.
heart broken....we use that term when boys break up with girls and so on....I remember thinking my heart was broken by boys 1,2,3, and4'.  yeah not even close to this true heart break.
another story, a father and two sons froze to death in Missouri while out for a little hike. leaving a mom and two other siblings, horrifying.
another, a fourteen year old girl is murdered by a troubled sixteen year old that the family had taken into their home out of kindness.

it is all so very sad

another night passed...maybe three hours of sleep

Patrick and I were talking yesterday about how this sadness will never ever g go away.... the rest of our life on earth e we will be sad that we were robbed of our son, Nolan.  Patrick, who had always been an optimistic, cheerful person even when facing all kinds of other things in the past, is now a sad person for always....I, whom used to be"happy-go-lucky" Jill will never be that person again.  I feel ancient now, I feel the sorrow that I have only read about in my many books.  only its so much worse.  I already wonder when or if, I guess I should say, people will want to pull away from me because I'm just too sad to be around....right now every person wants to comfort me, but eventually everyone else gets to move on in their own life.  not me, not us.  my very best friend Nancy lost her brother two years ago. she has experienced enough grief that I think she will be ok with my new self.  but other people will probably start to move the other way when they see me coming because I will just make them sad.  in the short time since this has happened,I have even physically aged....I used to look a teeny but younger than my age, now I look older.  I don't really care about that, my vanity is gone, but it is just an observation....  I'm sure the lack of sleep hasn't helped. or the fact that I haven't brushed my hair for probably a week.

I can't sleep

we don't know what killed my beautiful son, Nolan.  he went to bed seemingly healthy and never woke up. as we struggle through this horrifying pain, we are also facing this immense fear.  we are scared to death!!!! what about our other four children?  what if it is hereditary? what if the same thing happens to one of the others?  I'd pray for God to protect them but I'm having a little hard time trusting God right now when he is the one who took Nolan from me. an autopsy was performed, but results take a long time and even then may be inconclusive.... really??? so we are looking into genetic testing for the kids.  in the meanwhile,I can't sleep.  I'm scared.  and every night my daughter asks me if she's going to die in her sleep too.  she is scared.  my body wants sleep.my brain is afraid of it.  oh God we need answers soon.  it won't bring Nolan back. but it may help the rest of US to function again. my daughter just fell  asleep....it is 2:25am...... that isn't good for her.  this isn't good for me . my tummy hurts and I'm exhausted and I'm sad, oh so enormously sad

second post

this hurts!!!!!  the pain is so freaking unbearable, unreal, but too real.it is just not fair!!!!! I want to scream and cry at the top of my lungs, but I can't.  I have to be relatively strong for my kids.  yes, they see me cry, that is expected.  but the screaming, the raging against God, the sobs....I try to save those for when I'm alone. why would God take my son?  why????

first post

fourteen days ago was my last day on earth with my beautiful thirteen year old son Nolan.  it was kind of a yucky day.  I was exhausted and napped a couple hours with my two year old.  I spent no quality time with Nolan.  I had no idea he would be taken from me sometime while he slept. it was unexpected and at this time, it is unexplained. an autopsy has been performed, but we have to wait possibly three months for results. I am heart broken, sorrowful, empty, angry, sick, guilt ridden, filed with what ifs, sad, sad, sad....sad doesn't seem a strong enough word for this pain.I'm only writing this, blogging this, because I feel like screaming. I am acquainted with a mother who lost her three year old a few years ago and she said she wrote a lot about it. so I'm trying it.  nothing will bring back my boy, my Nolan, my first born son who taught me the meaning of the deepest love.but I have four other children and a wonderful husband who are also suffering and they need me.we all need to someday be able to feel happiness again.if I didn't have my other kids,I would crawl in a hole and die. but the are here and I love them and I am so grateful to have them.they still bring me joy though I feel no joy right now.but they have made me smile and laugh something that feels impossible.  my dear husband and I are leaning on each other, both of us suffering the worst possible suffering imaginable.he is my rock. I am so grateful for him.so in the midst of this he'll and yes it is hell, I do grasp at these things for which I am grateful. there is still love here in our home. but oh my.....I miss my Nolan so so so much.  I love him so much.  oh Nolan,I need you