I Hate Being Sick

Viruses are now potential killers and it scares me.  I hate the fact that I am queasy and feel slightly achy.  I hate it.  I hate worrying that my kids might die.  That I might die.  That Patrick might die.  That my folks, my friends, my family might die. 

Why would you invent something like myocarditis God?  Why?

Life is Not Fair this Christmas

I love the holidays.  I still do.  Even after THIS.  I still love this time of year. 

But I'm sad.

Christmas music has always made me cry because of it's emotional sounds and words.  Now I can't make it through the first line of some songs without tears. 

Christmas shopping has always been a pleasure for me.  I love to splurge on my kids this time of year.  Even before having m own children, I looked forward to spoiling my nieces and nephew. 

Now, as I walk the aisle of my favorite stores it will hit me out of nowhere that I should be buying gifts for Nolan. 

Today has been a rough day with many bouts of crying and shouting at God. 

This will never, ever, ever seem fair. 

Another Post Titled Thirteen....

Shortly after the loss of my precious son, I wrote a post on here titled Thirteen. 
http://thesorrowful.blogspot.com/2013/02/thirteen.html

It seems impossible that I wrote that nearly two years ago.  How can it be two years since I lost him?   Two years since I kissed him goodnight and watched him walk down the hallway.  The last time to watch him walk down the hallway.

Tonight I wrote a post on my other website about my twelve-year old turning thirteen next week. 
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9325821-thirteen-isn039t-going-to-be-easy-on-me

And I thought how tough THIRTEEN is for me now. 

And I wonder if it is going through Liam's mind that Nolan died right after he turned 13.  Liam is already a worrier.  Is he worried?  Is he scared?

Why do we have to suffer this nightmare?  I still do not understand.  I don't have the faith to understand. 

Warped Thoughts that I Might Think, but Will Never Speak

As I woke the children to start our school day this morning, I walked by the bedroom in which my husband was sleeping (we seem to play musical beds in our house, so today he was sleeping alone in one of the children's rooms.).  As I saw his still body, my brain said to myself "He's probably not dead." 

Seriously. 

Who says crap like that?

Oh yeah, me.  The one who has to face every morning with the fear that I might just find another child dead in his/her bed.  Normally, my husband is awake before I am.  Thus, I am normally not faced with that thought of "is he breathing?"  Today, however, he slept a littler later than I. 

It's really a sucky thing to have to think about each and every day.  There is this fear that is just THERE.  Some mornings it is worse than others.  I think today was worse because I went to bed worrying about my twelve-year old. 

I've also thought things like:  would Nolan still be alive if I had ran away a few years earlier?  (btw, my husband and I had just hit a rough patch like all couples do, it never actually neared divorce... just some less than perfect days of marriage).  But I do wonder if I had changed MY path, that would have changed Nolan's.... and he would have not been anywhere near that HORRIBLE virus that attacked his heart.  So it stands to reason that he would be alive.

What if we had moved?  In 2010, my husband was offered a job in New Mexico.  I had NO desire to move there (neither did hubby).  However, had we moved there, Nolan wouldn't have been near the same germs.  So we would be living in New Mexico as a complete family.  Nolan would be alive if Patrick had taken that job.

I've had other messed up thoughts, but I'm too tired to share them right now. 

Grief is exhausting.

Photo credit:  my own

I forgot

I had completely forgotten that I started another blog on here that is to be stories of my sweet boy, Nolan.  my brain is just not the same.  losing a child is so tiring, draining, horrible.  I don't remember stuff often.  I should make a point of writing on there daily.  I miss Nolan so much.

Oh, I had a connection on another site tell me they hope that I just "get over what happened" to my son....  seriously? 

Here's the post I wrote in response.
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8998804-it-actually-happened

I'm not writing as much about sorrow

It's not that I'm not feeling the sorrow.  I'm just not writing about it as much.  To those who see it on my blogs occasionally, they probably still think "wow, is that all she talks about?"  To me, sometimes I feel like I still have much to say.  Here's a few links to recent things I have written on my other blog.

http://www.bubblews.com/news/8913214-a-mother039s-anxiety
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8821103-praying-when-you-aren039t-sure-what-you-believe
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8631594-visiting-my-son039s-grave
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7835438-i-don039t-know-how-to-be-a-good-mother-anymore
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7823797-before-or-after
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7953982-the-overprotective-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8007979-yoga-tears-and-my-son
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8076169-playlist-for-the-grieving-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8287900-fifteen
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8240402-nolan039s-wish
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8350081-sentimental-for-the-old-days

Grief is so tiring

just another post about how tired I am lately
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8124433-grief-is-exhausting

Songs and sadness

I heard this great song today that made me think of Nolan.  Be Still by The Fray.  I put a link of it in this post. 
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8007979-yoga-tears-and-my-son

I'm sad, as always.  I just look at his picture and cannot help but feel I failed him.  How did I not know that something was wrong?  How?  How can God create a disease like Myocarditis and not give us a fighting chance?  It's not fair. 

I cannot believe it has been almost two years. 

How is that possible?  I miss Nolan so much.

A Puzzling Aspect of Grief

http://www.bubblews.com/news/6684000-a-part-of-my-grief-that-puzzles-me

I don't know what it is about this. 

Sadness

I look at your pictures, so full of life, and I cannot believe this is real.  it's been 18 months.  some people might say "get on with your life!"  and they do not know.  they cannot understand unless they have lost a child. I will never simply get on with my life again.  my life as I knew it is over.  this is a new worse life.  that's the fact jack.  it's worse.  I hate that.  I hate it for my other children.  but I can't help it

I still look at these photos of my sweet Nolan and sometimes I think it has to be a nightmare.  how can this be true?  how can something so horrible be true?

 I worry about my other children.  I see how I try to distract myself from the pain and I worry about them doing the same as they grow older.  I hpe that as children they are not effected the same way as me.

another poem

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3613153-how-can-it-be-real

Crying More

I'm relieved to be crying again.  I was taking some Zoloft for awhile to help with anxiety and instead it was making me a zombie.  I am a crier.  That's me.

I have been sad a lot, of course.  But lately, these things have made me sad:  1) yesterday was memorial day.  I remember going to the cemetery with my parents as a kid visiting old people's graves.  that's what you should do on memorial day.  not visit a child's gave.

and 2) today I took logan to the children's mercy orthopedic clinic.  I had completely forgotten about taking Nolan there a few times for scoliosis.  I was crying when we were waiting once it hit me.  the last time I was in that clinic was with Nolan.  a few years ago. 

losing Nolan just sucks and hurts and is hell and just can't get better.  how could it?

I know it is wrong

I know it is wrong, but I am so jealous of complete families.  i know that jealousy is never a good thing.  but i can't help it.  i see people celebrating their families and their kids and i'm jealous.  our family will never be complete ever again.  how do i come to grips with that?

It's Never Going to Get Easier

It will always be something.  Tonight, I sit here crying because of people sharing pictures from their children's 8th grade graduation.  Nolan would be graduating from 8th grade this year too.  Instead, like a thief in the night, God stole him from me.  It's not fair.

Why God?

Why did YOU take my son?  Why?  It's not fair. 

I miss Nolan with all of my heart.  And I'll never hear his sweet voice again.

I just don't know if I will ever feel a trust in God again. 

Grieving Mothers

I have joined several grief groups on facebook.  I have friended a few of the ladies I have come into contact with as well.  What I am seeing is that we are all so different about how we handle things.  There is one mother who lost her son a couple months before I did.  She is constantly sad and saying she hopes she dies soon.  She has other children, but they are grown.  I think that is a big part of it.  She has no children at home to help her through this.  At first I thought that merely having other children would be such a help, but now I am seeing if they aren't at home, they dont' really pull you forward.  I would love to just stay in bed every day, but I can't.  I'm thankful for my children.

I sometimes question God now... is there a God?  If so, why does this stuff happen? 

Some people have said that Ella was God's plan because He knew what was going to happen.  So He gave her to me to help me through this.  Yet, what about these other parents?  Don't they need something?  There's no reason for any of this.  I don't see it as a part of a plan.  If it is, I am merely being punished.

Too Much Fear, so I Ignore it??

I have found myself ignoring things that should make me freak out, namely Ciara and liam saying their heart hurts. 

liam went through that after papa died.  then he went through it after Nolan died.  nothing was wrong.  but what if that changes?

Ciara worries.  she only mentions the heart feeling at bedtime.  so I chalk it up to worry.  but what if?

I worry too much, mentally, but I ignore stuff lately.  I feel like I am overwhelmed by life.  so I ignore. 

is this normal?  I don't know.  I feel like everything I do I do wrong. 

why did you have to die Nolan?  why???????????????

I Miss You, I'm sorry

I miss you so much.  Yet, I don't allow myself to think of you as much as I should.  I'm sorry.  I have become the queen of distraction.  Sometimes it hurts so bad when I think of the fact that this is real. I try to deaden the pain with projects and food and time with friends and wine and shopping and tv and computer and more of the same.  None of it brings you back though.  None of it helps me to miss you any less.  It just keeps me numb.  I love you.

middle of the night

i'm up in the middle of the night because logan is having a breathing treatment.  i'm laying here worrying about Ciara.  she has said a couple times recently that her heart hurts.  I ask her what she means.  she can't explain.  however, it usually is just at bedtime and after she starts thinking about it.  so I really thought it was nothing.  but today, she said it while she was watching tv. 

I think I should take her to the doctor.  can you imagine how horrible I would feel if the same thing happened to her as Nolan?  chances are it is nothing.  but I should take her.  which reminds me that I also need to schedule follow up appointments for her and liam with the cardiologist.

remember they went last spring and wore heart monitors and had tests and everything was fine. 

she does have a cough which can make your chest hurt.  but it's not that bad of a cough.  and it's not while she is coughing.  crap.  why does this have to be so scary?

 

The Carefree Past

I was looking through my old photos on Facebook this evening.  I was struck by the days when my profile picture was of either just me or me and one of the other kids or the other kids or just one of the other kids.  Rarely now will I have a profile pic that does not include my sweet Nolan.  I feel like he needs to be seen by people.  I don't want people to forget him..... He's such a part of me.  I don't know.  just looking at those pictures reminded me of the past.  back, way way way back when I was carefree.  of even just back, shortly before Nolan's death, when I had the normal worries in adult life of how to pay bills, school for the kids, etc.  I wish I could go back.