Guilt

Sometimes I feel guilty. 

I find myself smiling, laughing, genuinely enjoying myself.

Or like, just a bit ago, I was singing a Christmas song.  Christmas has always brought so much joy and happiness. 

When I lose myself in a movie, a book, a bottle of wine. 

I feel guilty.

I am aware of the need to keep moving.  I am aware that I have other children.  I am aware that "life goes on."

But there is guilt in that life that still lives.

There is guilt that I missed something and my son died.

There is guilt in good times.

I know that Nolan's wonderful spirit would want us to be happy.  I know that he wouldnt' want me to wallow in my sadness.

I know that. 

It doesn't change how I feel, how empty our world is without him.  It doesn't change that when I laugh, I think to myself that he should be laughing too.

Will I Always Feel So Angry?

I wonder at times if I will always feel so angry.  I have such ugly thoughts at times.  Sometimes they are about me, my family, God, other people. 

I'm just filled with hate. 

On a photo that I shared on facebook much like the one I have attached to this post, someone wrote "He is always with you."  And my first hateful thought was, NO HE IS NOT!  HE IS BURIED IN THE GROUND! 

such darkness permeates my being.

And it has aged me.  oh it has aged me. 

And I have gained weight.  I look at myself and cannot believe how horrible I look.  I feel like the ugliness of my soul is showing in the ugliness of me nowadays. 

property of me.

He Should Be STarting High School Today

Here's a post I wrote on my other blogging page about how hard today is. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/5653452-why-the-first-day-of-school-is-tough

I know it is wrong

I know it is wrong, but I am so jealous of complete families.  i know that jealousy is never a good thing.  but i can't help it.  i see people celebrating their families and their kids and i'm jealous.  our family will never be complete ever again.  how do i come to grips with that?

It's Never Going to Get Easier

It will always be something.  Tonight, I sit here crying because of people sharing pictures from their children's 8th grade graduation.  Nolan would be graduating from 8th grade this year too.  Instead, like a thief in the night, God stole him from me.  It's not fair.

Screw You

Sometimes I feel so angry at the world.  At everyone who is living a normal life.  At everyone whose kids are still alive and growing up.  At everyone who has a 14 year old.   At everyone who has a 13 year old. 

I get angry when I see children advancing in Boy Scouts.

I get angry when I see children getting their drivers' license.

I get angry when I see a 14 year old in a play!

I get angry when I see a friend's child getting married.

I get angry when I see a kid going to the prom.

I get angry when I see life continuing normally for everyone else. 

I Miss You, I'm sorry

I miss you so much.  Yet, I don't allow myself to think of you as much as I should.  I'm sorry.  I have become the queen of distraction.  Sometimes it hurts so bad when I think of the fact that this is real. I try to deaden the pain with projects and food and time with friends and wine and shopping and tv and computer and more of the same.  None of it brings you back though.  None of it helps me to miss you any less.  It just keeps me numb.  I love you.

The Carefree Past

I was looking through my old photos on Facebook this evening.  I was struck by the days when my profile picture was of either just me or me and one of the other kids or the other kids or just one of the other kids.  Rarely now will I have a profile pic that does not include my sweet Nolan.  I feel like he needs to be seen by people.  I don't want people to forget him..... He's such a part of me.  I don't know.  just looking at those pictures reminded me of the past.  back, way way way back when I was carefree.  of even just back, shortly before Nolan's death, when I had the normal worries in adult life of how to pay bills, school for the kids, etc.  I wish I could go back.

I'm jealous and I'm angry

I'm angry at God.  Tonight at dinner, the kids were talking about how I'm mad at each of them the most.  What I mean by that is that Liam thinks I'm mad at Liam the most, Ciara thinks I'm mad at her the most, Logan thinks I'm mad at Logan the most, and so on.   Then I said something like, "oh, I'm mad at everyone."  And Liam say "oh, are you mad at God?" and I said "well, yes, I'm maddest at him."  And Liam says "why?"  and I said "why do you think?  because Nolan died."  And yes, I'm mad.  It's been 14 months and the anger has not subsided.  I'm angry.  I'm mad.  I'm unforgiving.

I'm also jealous.  I see large, beautiful families.  My family of seven was right on the cusp of being considered a "big" family.... Now, with only 6 of us living, we are small.  I see the large families, the grown children surrounding their mothers.  I'm jealous.  We are small.

I have heard friends (and strangers) talk of their children starting high school next year.  Nolan should be starting high school next year.  I'm jealous and I'm angry. 

jealousy

it's irrational, it's selfish, it's not right.... but I am so jealous of everyone now.  everyone that is happy.  everyone that seems to have everything go right for them.  when I "hear" them on facebook saying the most minor thing, I hear it in a disturbing braggy voice.  even though these aren't people who brag.  these are kind, loving people who are just sharing their life like so many of us do on facebook, including myself....  but right now, all of it hurts when I see it.  facebook always has kind of lent itself to that, to envy...  you know, one week I am struggling to pay the bills while I see joe schmoe posting pics from a fabulous vacation... or one week I am irritated with dear hubby about something because that is marriage, there are irritations sometimes, but that week I am irritated, everyone is posting about a handy dh who builds a deck or a dh who surprises them with something fantastic...  so that's facebook in general.... but now, oh yeah, now with my loss being what it is I am jealous about the stuff like "today is jimmy's birthday, happy birthday to my firstborn son"... yeah, that makes me jealous.  or just the normal mundane stuff that makes me feel like why can't I have normal and mundane and normal and NOLAN right here with me.... why?????  i'm so sick of this pain.  I ignore it as much as I can.  I distract myself, mostly with tv or dumb games on the computer.  but it's there.  and I am so jealous of everyone who doesn't have this pain.  i'm jealous.  it's irrational, it's selfish, and it's not right... but it's just the way I am right now.