The Birth of My Son

originally published on bubblews in December 2013

December.... Traditionally, December is my favorite time of year. It always has been. Not only is it Christmas, but it is my birthday. Then, along came Nolan in 1999 and even more reasons to love it. With 2010 came the birth of my daughter ella, so December has always been special to me.

My eldest child, Nolan, my first-born, had a due date of late January. As a first time pregnant mom, I worried very little. People are pregnant and give birth every day. So when I went into the doctor for my check-up on December 21, 1999, I had no fear. I had borderline high blood pressure the last couple weeks. However, I wasn't worried. When the doctor measured me and noted that I hadn't grown in 2 weeks, I was not worried. When she sent me over to have an ultrasound, I still felt no fear.

As the ultrasound techs started noting things and talking quietly, I began to think something might be wrong. I called my husband and said you might want to join me at the dr office. By the time he arrived, they told me "you are having a baby tonight"... They proceeded to tell us that our child looked to be only 2 pounds or so. He was approximately 6 weeks early. We were scared.

Around 10pm, the medical team started me on pitocen to try to start labor. After about an hour, they realized that my sweet child's heart rate was dropping every time there was a contraction. The consensus was that his small body could not handle labor. The decision was made to prep for a C-section. At this point, it was near midnight, it was near my birthday, my 30th birthday. As they prepared for delivering my first child, I realized it would be on my birthday.

Shortly after midnight, I heard my son's first cry. It was an amazing, scary sound. My husband and I both burst into tears. We were already in love with this child more than words could ever say.

He weighed in at 3 pounds 12 ounces. He was small, but healthy. He only stayed in the hospital for 9 days. They sent us home with our precious son on New Year's Eve 1999.

13 years later, New Year's Eve 2012, our son was dead in his bed from a virus to his heart.

13 years we had with this beautiful child.

13 years were not enough.

I miss him immensely.

I want him back

Warped Thoughts that I Might Think, but Will Never Speak

As I woke the children to start our school day this morning, I walked by the bedroom in which my husband was sleeping (we seem to play musical beds in our house, so today he was sleeping alone in one of the children's rooms.).  As I saw his still body, my brain said to myself "He's probably not dead." 

Seriously. 

Who says crap like that?

Oh yeah, me.  The one who has to face every morning with the fear that I might just find another child dead in his/her bed.  Normally, my husband is awake before I am.  Thus, I am normally not faced with that thought of "is he breathing?"  Today, however, he slept a littler later than I. 

It's really a sucky thing to have to think about each and every day.  There is this fear that is just THERE.  Some mornings it is worse than others.  I think today was worse because I went to bed worrying about my twelve-year old. 

I've also thought things like:  would Nolan still be alive if I had ran away a few years earlier?  (btw, my husband and I had just hit a rough patch like all couples do, it never actually neared divorce... just some less than perfect days of marriage).  But I do wonder if I had changed MY path, that would have changed Nolan's.... and he would have not been anywhere near that HORRIBLE virus that attacked his heart.  So it stands to reason that he would be alive.

What if we had moved?  In 2010, my husband was offered a job in New Mexico.  I had NO desire to move there (neither did hubby).  However, had we moved there, Nolan wouldn't have been near the same germs.  So we would be living in New Mexico as a complete family.  Nolan would be alive if Patrick had taken that job.

I've had other messed up thoughts, but I'm too tired to share them right now. 

Grief is exhausting.

Photo credit:  my own

I forgot

I had completely forgotten that I started another blog on here that is to be stories of my sweet boy, Nolan.  my brain is just not the same.  losing a child is so tiring, draining, horrible.  I don't remember stuff often.  I should make a point of writing on there daily.  I miss Nolan so much.

Oh, I had a connection on another site tell me they hope that I just "get over what happened" to my son....  seriously? 

Here's the post I wrote in response.
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8998804-it-actually-happened

unbearable thoughts

I hear story after story of mothers who have lost more than one child.   I fear that happening to me.  I go to bed every night fearful.   I am so scared, not only of losing another child, but of finding anyone else dead.  the thought of that terrifies me.  I don't know how to cope.  the fear is overwhelming. 

why did this have to happen to us?

I know I sound like a freaking broken record, but I just don't understand. 

why?

another poem

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3613153-how-can-it-be-real

Mothers' Day

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3337904-the-first-to-call-me-momma

it's a hard day

Another MOthers' Day without You

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3317255-mothers039-day-random-thoughts

Repetitive

Will I be writing the same grieving, sorrowful stuff in ten years?

How will I ever wrap my head around the fact that I found my thirteen year old son dead in bed after going to bed healthy?  How will I ever remove that image from my mind?  There are some days that it plays over and over again in my head.  Other times I will go a month without thinking of that horrific day. 

Today was a sorrowful day.  I cried the most tears that I have cried in months.  Tomorrow is Easter.  I don't know if it just suddenly hit me or what.  I also stopped the anti-depressant pills.  So it's good to cry again.  Yet, it felt so painful and powerful.  I felt such immense anger towards God today.  I said that I hated Him. 

I know many of my friends who have a strong faith will be shocked to hear that. 

Try to live with the knowledge that God let your son die for no good reason.

Grieving Mothers

I have joined several grief groups on facebook.  I have friended a few of the ladies I have come into contact with as well.  What I am seeing is that we are all so different about how we handle things.  There is one mother who lost her son a couple months before I did.  She is constantly sad and saying she hopes she dies soon.  She has other children, but they are grown.  I think that is a big part of it.  She has no children at home to help her through this.  At first I thought that merely having other children would be such a help, but now I am seeing if they aren't at home, they dont' really pull you forward.  I would love to just stay in bed every day, but I can't.  I'm thankful for my children.

I sometimes question God now... is there a God?  If so, why does this stuff happen? 

Some people have said that Ella was God's plan because He knew what was going to happen.  So He gave her to me to help me through this.  Yet, what about these other parents?  Don't they need something?  There's no reason for any of this.  I don't see it as a part of a plan.  If it is, I am merely being punished.

the other day

my mind was full of thoughts to put here.  where did they go?  my mind isn't the same since Nolan's death.  motherhood, in general, has given my brain a run for its money.  add in the death of my son, and my brain is just a little bit of a mess.  I can't remember to mail bills.  I am overdue on things all the time even when we have the money to pay the bills.  i'm a disaster on two feet who'd like to just lie in my bed. 

Too Much Fear, so I Ignore it??

I have found myself ignoring things that should make me freak out, namely Ciara and liam saying their heart hurts. 

liam went through that after papa died.  then he went through it after Nolan died.  nothing was wrong.  but what if that changes?

Ciara worries.  she only mentions the heart feeling at bedtime.  so I chalk it up to worry.  but what if?

I worry too much, mentally, but I ignore stuff lately.  I feel like I am overwhelmed by life.  so I ignore. 

is this normal?  I don't know.  I feel like everything I do I do wrong. 

why did you have to die Nolan?  why???????????????

middle of the night

i'm up in the middle of the night because logan is having a breathing treatment.  i'm laying here worrying about Ciara.  she has said a couple times recently that her heart hurts.  I ask her what she means.  she can't explain.  however, it usually is just at bedtime and after she starts thinking about it.  so I really thought it was nothing.  but today, she said it while she was watching tv. 

I think I should take her to the doctor.  can you imagine how horrible I would feel if the same thing happened to her as Nolan?  chances are it is nothing.  but I should take her.  which reminds me that I also need to schedule follow up appointments for her and liam with the cardiologist.

remember they went last spring and wore heart monitors and had tests and everything was fine. 

she does have a cough which can make your chest hurt.  but it's not that bad of a cough.  and it's not while she is coughing.  crap.  why does this have to be so scary?

 

Twenty Years From Now...

I have thought often about how I won't get over losing Nolan.  I think some people don't get that.  I don't blame them or anything.  it is a hard thing to comprehend..... truly.  anyway... I wrote this little poemish thing as I thought about it. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2631241-in-twenty-years

no more tears

I definitely need to change medicines.  I went to group therapy tonight, something that makes me cry every time, and I didn't even come close to crying.  the tears are there beneath the surface.  i'm sad.  I miss Nolan.  I feel empty.

and I mean, I may just need to go off the meds.  keep the anti-anxiety only.  I just want to cry again.  I don't know if I ever will feel "unempty" (I know that isn't a word)

I look at your smiling face Nolan and wonder how you can be dead. 

My Dad and Nolan

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2528596-my-dad-and-my-son

Breathing

Watching them breathe
Hearing them breathe
You don't know what it means
How much relief you feel
Until you have had one stop

I have been awake for the last 3 hours in my bed, unable to sleep.  but I feel good hearing logan's snoring breaths, ella's sighs, and Ciara's occasional soft sounds escaping her. 

just to see them breathe
if I only I could see Nolan breathe again

The Second Year

 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2495235-why-the-second-year-is-more-difficult-than-the-first

I'm jealous and I'm angry

I'm angry at God.  Tonight at dinner, the kids were talking about how I'm mad at each of them the most.  What I mean by that is that Liam thinks I'm mad at Liam the most, Ciara thinks I'm mad at her the most, Logan thinks I'm mad at Logan the most, and so on.   Then I said something like, "oh, I'm mad at everyone."  And Liam say "oh, are you mad at God?" and I said "well, yes, I'm maddest at him."  And Liam says "why?"  and I said "why do you think?  because Nolan died."  And yes, I'm mad.  It's been 14 months and the anger has not subsided.  I'm angry.  I'm mad.  I'm unforgiving.

I'm also jealous.  I see large, beautiful families.  My family of seven was right on the cusp of being considered a "big" family.... Now, with only 6 of us living, we are small.  I see the large families, the grown children surrounding their mothers.  I'm jealous.  We are small.

I have heard friends (and strangers) talk of their children starting high school next year.  Nolan should be starting high school next year.  I'm jealous and I'm angry. 

Tears on my face

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2270096-tears-on-my-face

l

letting go: a poem

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2255699-letting-go