The Grief Chronicles: 1123

I just wrote this on my other blog
https://thegriefchronicles.wordpress.com/2016/01/29/1123-days/

The Complexity of Grief

This was originally written on Bubblews by me on October 2014

Looking at photographs of you will make me cry
Looking at photographs of you can make me smile
Videos of you usually bring tears
I have anger at all times: sometimes simmering beneath the surface, other times exploding , often misdirected
I pray for a sign, yet I'm no longer sure if I have faith
I don't talk to you as much as I should, but I miss you more than is imaginable
Sometimes I push your memories away from me instead of immersing myself in them
The pain still feels physical after all of this time
As it nears two years without you, I continue to wonder how it can be true. I will even occasionally pinch or slap myself to try to wake from this nightmare
Losing my thirteen year old son unexpectedly in his sleep because his heart simply stopped is not something that I can just get over.

I Wish He Could Enjoy These Things

I wish Nolan were here. 

I always wish Nolan were here. 

I think of him all the time. 

He should be here to enjoy life with us.  I remember how much we were enjoying our sunroom before he died.  Just a few weeks before his death I had bought a couch and tv for the sunroom.  I wanted it to be a great place for the kids to hangout with friends.  I still had hopes for fixing the basement, but wasn't sure when that would happen. 

We were rapidly outgrowing our little three-bedroom house with our five growing kids. 

Oh how I would love to be that crowded again!

About a year after Nolan's death, I started to work on the basement.  I rented a huge dumpster and decluttered like crazy.  Then I painted walls, I painted the floor.  Next I hired someone to put up a couple walls.  After that I organized, bought carpets, bought furniture.  I even bought a small pool table.  The basement became a wonderful space for the children.  It nearly doubled our living space.

Now I am open to parties, to sleepovers. 

In the last month, I have hosted a first communion party, a birthday party, a slumber party, a sleepover, and a baby shower.  All in a month. 

Our house has felt festive, full of laughter and noise and friends.

I think of Nolan and his beautiful personality.  He would be loving the social life we have been having. 

I wish he were here. 

Warped Thoughts that I Might Think, but Will Never Speak

As I woke the children to start our school day this morning, I walked by the bedroom in which my husband was sleeping (we seem to play musical beds in our house, so today he was sleeping alone in one of the children's rooms.).  As I saw his still body, my brain said to myself "He's probably not dead." 

Seriously. 

Who says crap like that?

Oh yeah, me.  The one who has to face every morning with the fear that I might just find another child dead in his/her bed.  Normally, my husband is awake before I am.  Thus, I am normally not faced with that thought of "is he breathing?"  Today, however, he slept a littler later than I. 

It's really a sucky thing to have to think about each and every day.  There is this fear that is just THERE.  Some mornings it is worse than others.  I think today was worse because I went to bed worrying about my twelve-year old. 

I've also thought things like:  would Nolan still be alive if I had ran away a few years earlier?  (btw, my husband and I had just hit a rough patch like all couples do, it never actually neared divorce... just some less than perfect days of marriage).  But I do wonder if I had changed MY path, that would have changed Nolan's.... and he would have not been anywhere near that HORRIBLE virus that attacked his heart.  So it stands to reason that he would be alive.

What if we had moved?  In 2010, my husband was offered a job in New Mexico.  I had NO desire to move there (neither did hubby).  However, had we moved there, Nolan wouldn't have been near the same germs.  So we would be living in New Mexico as a complete family.  Nolan would be alive if Patrick had taken that job.

I've had other messed up thoughts, but I'm too tired to share them right now. 

Grief is exhausting.

Photo credit:  my own

Grief is so tiring

just another post about how tired I am lately
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8124433-grief-is-exhausting

Another MOthers' Day without You

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3317255-mothers039-day-random-thoughts

Grieving Mothers

I have joined several grief groups on facebook.  I have friended a few of the ladies I have come into contact with as well.  What I am seeing is that we are all so different about how we handle things.  There is one mother who lost her son a couple months before I did.  She is constantly sad and saying she hopes she dies soon.  She has other children, but they are grown.  I think that is a big part of it.  She has no children at home to help her through this.  At first I thought that merely having other children would be such a help, but now I am seeing if they aren't at home, they dont' really pull you forward.  I would love to just stay in bed every day, but I can't.  I'm thankful for my children.

I sometimes question God now... is there a God?  If so, why does this stuff happen? 

Some people have said that Ella was God's plan because He knew what was going to happen.  So He gave her to me to help me through this.  Yet, what about these other parents?  Don't they need something?  There's no reason for any of this.  I don't see it as a part of a plan.  If it is, I am merely being punished.

Twenty Years From Now...

I have thought often about how I won't get over losing Nolan.  I think some people don't get that.  I don't blame them or anything.  it is a hard thing to comprehend..... truly.  anyway... I wrote this little poemish thing as I thought about it. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2631241-in-twenty-years

random thoughts

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1781191-another-late-night

another late night when I couldn't sleep... random thoughts of my sweet son. 

we've just lost that something....

since Nolan died, we just have lost whatever it was that we used to do right. 

we used to spend more time together, talking, playing games, even just watching movies together.  now, we are all apart.  we don't play games.  the kids fight.  I know kids fight.  but it is just like losing Nolan really messed up our family.  seriously.  I feel like we will always be screwed up now.  dysfunctional.

I can't cry....

I need to ask the doctor if that is an effect of the medicine that I am taking.  Because, seriously, I haven't been crying.  I feel like crying.  But I'm not crying.  Perhaps that's ok for the short-term.... get me through this tough holiday season.... because prior to taking the meds, right as the holidays started, I was a basket case and could not stop crying.  I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.  So maybe it's ok.  but crying often helps relieve me.  and hell, Nolan is my son, I want to cry about him.  I mean, well, I want to hug him and have him here.  I want that day from nearly a year ago to be a dream.  I want to wake up.  but if it has to be real, then I want to cry about him.  I feel like i'm not honoring him lately.  I keep my mind as busy as I can.... I don't think of him nearly enough.  oh Nolan.  how can you be gone?

jealousy

it's irrational, it's selfish, it's not right.... but I am so jealous of everyone now.  everyone that is happy.  everyone that seems to have everything go right for them.  when I "hear" them on facebook saying the most minor thing, I hear it in a disturbing braggy voice.  even though these aren't people who brag.  these are kind, loving people who are just sharing their life like so many of us do on facebook, including myself....  but right now, all of it hurts when I see it.  facebook always has kind of lent itself to that, to envy...  you know, one week I am struggling to pay the bills while I see joe schmoe posting pics from a fabulous vacation... or one week I am irritated with dear hubby about something because that is marriage, there are irritations sometimes, but that week I am irritated, everyone is posting about a handy dh who builds a deck or a dh who surprises them with something fantastic...  so that's facebook in general.... but now, oh yeah, now with my loss being what it is I am jealous about the stuff like "today is jimmy's birthday, happy birthday to my firstborn son"... yeah, that makes me jealous.  or just the normal mundane stuff that makes me feel like why can't I have normal and mundane and normal and NOLAN right here with me.... why?????  i'm so sick of this pain.  I ignore it as much as I can.  I distract myself, mostly with tv or dumb games on the computer.  but it's there.  and I am so jealous of everyone who doesn't have this pain.  i'm jealous.  it's irrational, it's selfish, and it's not right... but it's just the way I am right now. 

the funeral, the wake, the first few weeks

Such a blur...

Patrick went to the wake of a neighbor tonight.  This neighbor, Paul Welsh, attended Nolan's wake and it was the first time I had met him.  Nolan had such a way about him.  He knew neighbors, they loved him.... I know no neighbors.

The wake though, the funeral, it is all a blur.

Oh, there are parts that I sort of remember... There's a couple sorority sisters that I hadn't seen since about 1990 that I was so surprised to see... I remember that.   There's the hugging of Ciara's soccer coach that I never had spoken to before.  I remember that.  There's the image of 26-30 altar boys serving at Nolan's funeral.  I remember that, though I could no longer tell you who the boys were... I don't remember that.  I don't remember most, to be honest. 

I remember being surprised at all these folks from soccer (Nolan's, liam's and Ciara's) that came... I was touched.  But I can't remember faces. 

I remember sitting in the limo after the funeral awaiting the drive to the cemetery and seeing angie bush, a friend that I hadn't seen since high school walking through the parking lot.  I never got to speak to her.  I know she was there though and that means so much. 

I remember seeing my friends Heidi and Monica on that horrible Saturday morning, a brief hug, but not actually getting to talk to them...

I remember hugging Shannon and Marti and thinking to myself how tall marti is.... the things that pop in your head when you are in the middle of a tragedy sometimes surprise you... I was about to see Nolan's body for the last time & I was thinking about the tallness of marti...

I remember person after person bringing food.  but I don't remember who or what... I still haven't written all my thank you's.   most people I think get it... I still have my list.  I still have my thank you cards.  I still hope to eventually thank everyone...  but it's been nearly six months.  and here I am...

I remember my friend Lydia calling me to talk, I haven't actually spoke to her in years in person...  the call was odd because I could barely hear her due to some weird connection... and well, weird because my son was dead.  she was my closest friend during my pregnancy with Nolan... she was the first friend at my job that I told... so long ago that seems.... the day I told her I was expecting him... to the weird call when he was gone. 

I remember waking up the second day and not being able to sleep.  well I say waking up, I hadn't slept more than probably 30 minutes.  but I got up... and I decided to drive to starbucks.  I remember standing there ordering my coffee thinking no one knows how sad I am. 

I remember money coming into my hands and my thoughts of how wrong it was that there was money coming into my hands because Nolan was dead. 

I remember thinking how much I loved getting meals when I had babies...  now I was getting meals because my baby was dead.... I still appreciated the meals.... I couldn't have survived those first couple months without them... but I didnt' love them like I did the meals when I had a new baby. 

I remember walking into my house right after th ehospital on 123112 and my dad walking by me and instead I hugged a friend from coop.  I was in such a daze.  here was my dad who was suffering like me and I walked by him.... after I hugged her, I realized what was happening and I hugged him.  it was such a daze, such a haze.  there were moments that I thought "how do I act"

I remember sitting in the hospital and NOT crying... I was in such shock. 

I remember hanging up with 911 and screaming at the top of my lungs "no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and Ciara looking at me as I dropped to the snow-covered ground. 

I remember hugs from acquaintances... I remember sad looks.... I remember feeling embarrassed about my messy house... I also remember not giving a rats-ass about my messy house.....

but honestly, most of it is so vague.  I feel like I needed a videographer following me around for that first 2 months or so because I just dont' remember most of it....  

 

btw, this is Nolan saying "I love you mom" on a Saturday morning with Patrick... they were at the broadway café after mass.