I can't cry....

I need to ask the doctor if that is an effect of the medicine that I am taking.  Because, seriously, I haven't been crying.  I feel like crying.  But I'm not crying.  Perhaps that's ok for the short-term.... get me through this tough holiday season.... because prior to taking the meds, right as the holidays started, I was a basket case and could not stop crying.  I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.  So maybe it's ok.  but crying often helps relieve me.  and hell, Nolan is my son, I want to cry about him.  I mean, well, I want to hug him and have him here.  I want that day from nearly a year ago to be a dream.  I want to wake up.  but if it has to be real, then I want to cry about him.  I feel like i'm not honoring him lately.  I keep my mind as busy as I can.... I don't think of him nearly enough.  oh Nolan.  how can you be gone?