Why can't all the bad stuff just stop happening?

I'm so depressed tonight.  I feel like no matter what I do,I always make the wrong decisions.  I feel like I'm being punished for every mistake I have ever made.  And I've made many, both big and small.  I feel like my family will never be truly happy again.

I often think about things like maybe if we hadn't gone to such and such place, Nolan would not have picked up that awful virus.  Or even, if we had never moved back from Chicago, Nolan would still be alive.

I think how lonely I feel so often, like I will never fit in the homeschooling circles.   I'm not good enough, my kids are wild, I'm out of place.  Then I just want to hide away and be even lonelier.

I think about how much easier life would be if there was no turmoil, no fighting, no mistakes.

I think how insecure all of my kids are about everything now.  It manifests itself differently in each of them.  I worry about how they will grow up with this fear in our lives, this sadness.

I think how I'm really not a good mom.  I'm not.  I love my kids more than anything, but I'm a failure.

All my mistakes have led to this.  I should have never left Chicago.  Nolan would be alive, I'd be making the big bucks,  if be at a job where I was successful, maybe I would be a better.mom.

Why do I always screw up?