Our First Christmas Without Nolan

Well, we have made it through several horrible milestones, several firsts.  Halloween, Thanksgiving, his birthday.... Yesterday was our first Christmas without Nolan.  We survived.  We smiled.  We laughed.  We ate.  We opened gifts.  We went to a cemetery......

A cemetery on Christmas was not a place I ever considered going.... 

I hosted the holiday at my small house.  Before indulging in our holiday feast and opening gifts, we caravanned to my son's grave.  The slushy, snow-covered ground brought back memories of a day nearly a year ago.... the day we lost our son.  As usual, the two boys were running around playing.  A snowball fight ensued.  After a quiet moment of grieving graveside, daddy and I both threw a snowball at Nolan's headstone.  We knew if he were with us, he'd want to be having a snowball fight. 

I did not cry all day....  I felt sadness.  I think it is the medicine I am taking.  I am just not crying as much.  I suppose that is ok.  I started on the meds because I couldn't control my crying and I was having anxiety attacks all the time.  So it's better to be more even keel.  However, I feel like I should be crying.....