Post Traumatic Stress

I suffer from post-traumatic stress because of the death of my son.  I am certain that my children do as well.  I'm not sure about my husband.  He keeps his grief pretty close to his chest.  He also has a much stronger faith than I which seems to help him.

Finding my son dead without warning is an image that is embedded in my brain.  I still hear the screams of my other children.  I still hear my husband saying, "Nolan, don't be dead!" over and over and over.  It has faded a bit after nearly two years, but it's there.  It:  the memory that I never wanted.

Finding out that Nolan's heart simply stopped because of a condition called Myocarditis which was caused by some random every day virus makes raising my living children filled with this big question mark, this huge stress, this worry.

My twelve-year old often complains of chest pains.  He has been to the doctor, the er, a cardiologist many times since Nolan's death.  Everything appears healthy and normal.  Of course, Nolan's heart probably appeared healthy a month before his death as well.  How can I reconcile this?  How can I try to tell my living son that he has nothing to worry about?  I don't want to turn him into a hypochondriac. 

My eleven year old daughter didn't sleep much for the first year or so after Nolan's death.  At some point, she started asking me at night if her heart was ok.  She said it hurt, it felt funny.  We also took her to the specialist for evaluations.  She seems fine as well. 

My eight-year old doesn't seem to worry at this point.  My three-year old was young enough when it happened that I don't think she was phased by everything.  Oh, she misses Nolan, but she didn't understand what was happening when she saw her mother scream and fall to the snow-covered ground. 

Part of the worry I have gives me this horrible feeling of wishing my children would hurry and grow up and move out of the house.  I will always worry about them, always.  But I get so tired and exhausted from the sight of Liam putting his heart over his chest and Ciara asking if she's going to be ok.  I understand it.  And I love them so much.  And down deep, NO, I am not ready for them to grow up and move out.  It's just the stress on top of the grief. 

This myocarditis stuff isn't as rare as you would think.  I am currently a part of a group of people who have been affected by the condition.  This group has over 800 members.  There are many times this is misdiagnosed.   The numbers are much higher than that.  I hear story after story that is like mine where someone went to check on their loved one and he/she was simply dead in bed with no warning. 

It's not fair.  It's not right.

I forgot

I had completely forgotten that I started another blog on here that is to be stories of my sweet boy, Nolan.  my brain is just not the same.  losing a child is so tiring, draining, horrible.  I don't remember stuff often.  I should make a point of writing on there daily.  I miss Nolan so much.

Oh, I had a connection on another site tell me they hope that I just "get over what happened" to my son....  seriously? 

Here's the post I wrote in response.
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8998804-it-actually-happened

Fall Photos without my Son

On Tuesday, we went to Loose Park to take annual fall photos of the children.  The first fall that I took pictures was 2000 and my son, Nolan was just under a year old.  I remember taking just a few shots of him amid the beautiful colors of the fallen leaves from the nearby maple tree.  He sat upon a black bench holding a leaf.  I didn't really think of the fact that I was starting a tradition.  I was just there, a new mom, with my beautiful beloved child. 

Fall of 2014 would have been the fifteenth year of photographing my children in the lovely autumn setting. 

I skipped 2013.  I didn't necessarily plan to skip it.  I still wanted to keep the tradition because I know that is important for my other children.  But I skipped it because Nolan had died. 

Nolan died on December 31, 2012 sometime in the middle of the night because his heart had been infected by a normal, run-of-the-mill virus. 

When fall of 2013 rolled around, I was suffering immense anxiety and grief, of course, over the loss.  Time got away from me.  We skipped the tradition.

So we dressed up on Tuesday for photos.  Upon arrival at the park, I noticed that many of the leaves were still green.  The lovely fall colors were not to be seen, but we were there.  As our busy schedule makes things like this difficult, I moved forward with the tradition.  It's still fall.  The kids are still beautiful.  I still took photos.

It was difficult to do so without my sweet child.  I was sad.  I was angry.  I yelled at my twelve-year old son because he was misbehaving and I thought he should be understanding that this was tough for me. 

2012

2014

You are beautiful

I was looking at some old photos today from one of our trips to Florida.  You always had such a beautiful smile.  You always had such enthusiasm for life!I wonder if I will ever not hate God for taking you.  It's a really sorrowful and dark feeling to have. 

 

 I will never understand this.  Never.

I miss you so much Nolan. And this is not fair.  It sucks and makes me want to use some really foul language right now.

He Should Be STarting High School Today

Here's a post I wrote on my other blogging page about how hard today is. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/5653452-why-the-first-day-of-school-is-tough

Writing my Pain

as time wears on and December 31, 2012 grows to be more of a memory to others, I know that more and more friends of mine think I should be moving on, the pain should be lessening.  I feel less inclined to write how deep the pain continues to be, how deep it will always be. 

there are those who think "stop wallowing for God's sake!"

I know it.  even if they do not say it.

I'm not wallowing.  I'm living it.  I'm struggling to exist each day because of it.  I get out of bed.  I take care of the other children.  I put on a "happy-ish" face. 

But the pain is deep. 

Out of nowhere, one day I will suddenly think of the fact that Nolan said his chest hurt the night before he died.  He said it once.  I asked him a couple of questions, chalked it up to his asthma.  I screwed up.  I cannot forget that.  That will NEVER go away.

Or there are the thoughts of the horrific morning.  They pop up.  (thankfully not as often as they did in the beginning)

Often when I am at church, the funeral and wake come to mind.  Today I cried as I thought how that is the last place I laid eyes on his human form.  I don't pay much attention in church these days.

So this is where I come to let it all hang out.  And if you think I should get over losing my child, well, stop reading. 

This is my silent scream

because you know I need to scream

inside I yell always

I tell myself that I HAVE THE WORST STORY OF EVERYONE!!!!!!! MY LOSS IS THE WORST.

outside I know that all of our losses are horrible

but i'm selfish

I only care about my loss of my sweet Nolan

he should be here and I am silently screaming at all times

yes, it has been 18 months and for those of you who do not have a heart, let me tell you that IT HURTS JUST AS MUCH TODAY!!!!!!!

this is hell

It's Never Going to Get Easier

It will always be something.  Tonight, I sit here crying because of people sharing pictures from their children's 8th grade graduation.  Nolan would be graduating from 8th grade this year too.  Instead, like a thief in the night, God stole him from me.  It's not fair.

Grieving Mothers

I have joined several grief groups on facebook.  I have friended a few of the ladies I have come into contact with as well.  What I am seeing is that we are all so different about how we handle things.  There is one mother who lost her son a couple months before I did.  She is constantly sad and saying she hopes she dies soon.  She has other children, but they are grown.  I think that is a big part of it.  She has no children at home to help her through this.  At first I thought that merely having other children would be such a help, but now I am seeing if they aren't at home, they dont' really pull you forward.  I would love to just stay in bed every day, but I can't.  I'm thankful for my children.

I sometimes question God now... is there a God?  If so, why does this stuff happen? 

Some people have said that Ella was God's plan because He knew what was going to happen.  So He gave her to me to help me through this.  Yet, what about these other parents?  Don't they need something?  There's no reason for any of this.  I don't see it as a part of a plan.  If it is, I am merely being punished.

the other day

my mind was full of thoughts to put here.  where did they go?  my mind isn't the same since Nolan's death.  motherhood, in general, has given my brain a run for its money.  add in the death of my son, and my brain is just a little bit of a mess.  I can't remember to mail bills.  I am overdue on things all the time even when we have the money to pay the bills.  i'm a disaster on two feet who'd like to just lie in my bed. 

Thoughts that Won't Go Away

I often think of Nolan's last breath.  Why?  Why do I have to wonder what it was like?  I wonder if it was completely peaceful.  I wonder if there was a sound of his last breath escaping as his heart simply stopped.  I wonder if I had been lying next to him, would I have heard anything unusual?  Did he feel anything?  Did he feel pain?  Did a sharp pain awaken him long enough to scare him before he died?  Did he know he was dying? 

Was he having a dream when he died?  How did he feel when he lay down that night? 

Is he now in Heaven?  Is there a Heaven?  Will I ever get to see him again?  Is Heaven a myth? 

If he is alive in spirit, why can't I get a sign?  Why do some people have visions or visitations from spirits (if it is real) and I don't?  Why?

My sweet boy.  My sweet, sweet boy.  Why do I have to ask myself these questions?  It's not fair. 

elusive sleep

since Nolan's death, my sleep has been messed up.  initially, there was a real fear that made me incapable of sleep.  that eased up a bit, but I still couldn't sleep.  it's been fifteen months.  sometimes there are nights that I feel scared as hell.  I watch the other children sleep.  I check their breathing.  I still do.  will I always?  other nights, I just can't sleep.  my brain won't do it.  I try.  other nights, I fall asleep, then I wake then I can't fall back to seelp.

sleep has been so troublesome since Nolan's death.

it makes my everyday life difficult.  getting up and facing the day is hard.  we sleep too late.  getting u pfor anything important is very iffy.  we hve overslept manytimes the past fifteen months.

I hate it.

I hate everything about this.

I don't even know what to do

I think Ciara is feeling anxiety which is leading her to feel pressure in her chest.  Add that to asthma and allergies and cold/flu season, I don't think I have anything to worry about.

What if I am wrong?

I had a whole post in my head that I was going to write about and my thoughts have fled.  now i'm consumed with worry for Ciara. 

shit.  why does this have to be so hard?

sorrow

sometimes it just hits me when I look at your picture how GONE you are.... I start to feel more empty.  there is a constant emptiness since you left us.  but occasionally, I just feel more empty.  does that make sense?

today I was looking at your picture from a saint Patrick's day, probably about 5 years ago or so.  you are so little.  you look so happy.  I look at pictures and suddenly realize the truth in never seeing you again, the truth in never hearing your voice.

my faith is so shattered.  I don't know if I will ever see you again.  I dont' know if there is a heaven.  I just don't. 

then there are those who believe in heaven we will not even remember our earthly life. 

if that's true, then I still won't see you.

my heart is broken.

My Dad and Nolan

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2528596-my-dad-and-my-son

The Second Year

 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2495235-why-the-second-year-is-more-difficult-than-the-first

I'm jealous and I'm angry

I'm angry at God.  Tonight at dinner, the kids were talking about how I'm mad at each of them the most.  What I mean by that is that Liam thinks I'm mad at Liam the most, Ciara thinks I'm mad at her the most, Logan thinks I'm mad at Logan the most, and so on.   Then I said something like, "oh, I'm mad at everyone."  And Liam say "oh, are you mad at God?" and I said "well, yes, I'm maddest at him."  And Liam says "why?"  and I said "why do you think?  because Nolan died."  And yes, I'm mad.  It's been 14 months and the anger has not subsided.  I'm angry.  I'm mad.  I'm unforgiving.

I'm also jealous.  I see large, beautiful families.  My family of seven was right on the cusp of being considered a "big" family.... Now, with only 6 of us living, we are small.  I see the large families, the grown children surrounding their mothers.  I'm jealous.  We are small.

I have heard friends (and strangers) talk of their children starting high school next year.  Nolan should be starting high school next year.  I'm jealous and I'm angry. 

Tears on my face

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2270096-tears-on-my-face

l

regrets

http://www.bubblews.com/news/863701-regrets

his face

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2026229-looking-at-his-face