I often think of Nolan's last breath. Why? Why do I have to wonder what it was like? I wonder if it was completely peaceful. I wonder if there was a sound of his last breath escaping as his heart simply stopped. I wonder if I had been lying next to him, would I have heard anything unusual? Did he feel anything? Did he feel pain? Did a sharp pain awaken him long enough to scare him before he died? Did he know he was dying?
Was he having a dream when he died? How did he feel when he lay down that night?
Is he now in Heaven? Is there a Heaven? Will I ever get to see him again? Is Heaven a myth?
If he is alive in spirit, why can't I get a sign? Why do some people have visions or visitations from spirits (if it is real) and I don't? Why?
My sweet boy. My sweet, sweet boy. Why do I have to ask myself these questions? It's not fair.
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