With You, A Poem

This was originally posted on Bubblews in September of 2014.

If only I could be with you
I'd listen to you talk
I'd watch the way your eyes light up
I'd watch the way you walk

If only I could be with you
I'd listen to you play
Your fingers up and down the keys
Music speaks what you wish to say

If only I could be with you
I'd watch the way you move
Fancy footwork on the soccer field
You finally finding your groove

If only I could be with you
I'd watch the way you draw
I would soak in every picture
As I imagined what you saw

If only I could be with you
I'd feel the way you touch
I'd cherish every hug and kiss
I would love you so very much

My Dad and my son

My dad is a wonderful grandfather. He loves each of his grandchildren dearly. I feel so blessed when I watch him with my children. He always had a special spot for Nolan. Oh, I am sure he has a special spot for each of the grandkids. But there was a special bond between him and my son. They would talk about coin collecting, play the piano together, talk about scouts, music, birds. It was beautiful.
When Nolan died, one of the hardest things I had to do was call my parents. How do you deliver such awful news over the phone? I opted to call my dad on his cell phone rather than my mom. I thought it would be "easier" for some reason. One of the many things from that horrific day that will forever be burned in my memory is telling my dad and hearing him scream "no!" then crying to my mom that Nolan was dead. Then she was screaming too. The agony in their voices was so immense.
My dad has always been a sort of poet. Every year he writes a Christmas poem in the family Christmas letter. He'll jot down other little rhymes here and there. After Nolan's death, he wrote a beautiful poem to honor Nolan. I'd like to share it with you. Not only will you read the love of grandfather for grandson, but you will also get a sense of who Nolan was.
Poem for Nolan
by Winston Johnson
When I see an eagle
In beautiful flight
A natural wonder
A natures delight,
I'll think of our Nolan
Who loved things so right.
And watching them soar,
With all of their might.
When I see a boy,
With a sly impish grin
And a trick deck of cards,
Or a tack or a pin,
I'll think of Nolan,
Who joked with his kin
And really, at times,
Was ornery as sin.
When I see a young man,
With a smile on his face.
Helping his mother,
With love and with grace.
I'll think of our Nolan,
With never one trace
Of bad in his heart -
Nor any disgrace.
When I hear a piano,
Swaying away.
To "Away in a Manger"
Asleep on the hay.
I'll think of our Nolan,
And our Christmas day -
The joy he would bring,
As he'd grin and he'd play.
When I'm on the prairie,
Out there alone -
No cars passing by,
No TV, No phone.
I'll think most of our Nolan.
In hills of Flint stone,
I'll bet he can hear me.
Out there in God's zone.
When I see a boy scout,
Show red, white, and blue
And make his folks proud
Of whatever he'll do,
I'll think of our Nolan
And how he just grew
To be a young man
So straight and so true.
Whenever I'm stuckin
The muck and the mire
And later I'm struggling
Right down to the wire.
I'll think of Nolan laughing
And I shall move higher
To a place warm as toast
Like a warm, cozy fire.
Photo Credit: My own
Poem Credit: with Permission, by my dad, Winston Johnson
+Grief +Grievingmother +Grieving-mother +Poetry

He Should Be STarting High School Today

Here's a post I wrote on my other blogging page about how hard today is. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/5653452-why-the-first-day-of-school-is-tough

unbearable thoughts

I hear story after story of mothers who have lost more than one child.   I fear that happening to me.  I go to bed every night fearful.   I am so scared, not only of losing another child, but of finding anyone else dead.  the thought of that terrifies me.  I don't know how to cope.  the fear is overwhelming. 

why did this have to happen to us?

I know I sound like a freaking broken record, but I just don't understand. 

why?

Do I have Anger Issues?

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3672905-rant-about-god039s-goodness

I Don't Want This to Be Real

383 days since Nolan died.  I still feel like it should not be real.  I still feel like he's going to come home, that I will be able to see him and hug him and talk to him.  I still feel like this must be a nightmare.  How can I walk through the rest of my life feeling like it is a nightmare?  My family is suffering.  Oh on the surface, we are all so strong.  I get that comment often.  "oh jill, you have handled everything with such strength, such grace."  (with slight variations on the wording).  Mentally I am truly checked out.  I do not want to face anything anymore.  I don't know how to handle it.  I really don't.  This going through the motions thing for the last 383 days just doesn't feel right.  I don't want this to be real.  I don't want this to be my life.

it feels like our family is in a tailspin

It used to feel like that sometimes, just with the chaos that goes with a family of seven.  Life would get crazy.  But the crazy would be mixed up with happiness and love.  Happiness.  Now it just feels like nothing is the way it should be.   So much bickering, too much tv, nothing like it was.  I feel like I'm failing as a mom to keep my family afloat.  Oh I mean, I'm doin what I must, running the kids here and there and everywhere, I'm buying them stuff, I'm keeping us busy, keeping us fed.  But I'm lacking spirit and I'm sure it shows... I try to be happy.

Nolan was so good at getting us to do things as a family.... play a game, go to the park...
I feel so lost without him.

Today, Logan said that I'm always looking at my kindle...what a great way for him to think of me... I suck

everything is so different...edit

And obviously, worse....but that's not my point so much this time....I'm just thinking how this entire 2013, the worst year of my life, I'm scatterbrained and forget everything and yet I've barely used my calendar....I've flown by the seat of my pants as I've lived this nightmare, I've been late for things, I've missed things, and I really don't care....  I've learned that so much of everything we do, we think about, it is all pointless....

Pointless, a random thought that had crossed my mind so much since Nolan died...I was so over protective of him when he was little, I've taken him to do many Dr appointments, I've tried to keep him healthy and safe....Pointless...a random virus snuck in my home and killed him.... Pointless... keeping my kids safe, for what?


Friendships: different...I think most friends don't get how anything I do exhausts me and that I may think of them but probably won't call them or email them....I really need them to make the effort because I'm just not able to...  I'm l onely, but I don't really care anymore.
I mean,I don't like to be lonely, I don't,  but I just don't have the energy to care.   I have friends who I know care about me, but they just don't reach out to me...maybe they don't know what to say

I've always feared death...death of myself and death of my loved ones.  I still am scared of dying, but sometimes I think, well the pain will end....that's definitely different...

Our home is different, worse, we watch so much tv now.  Pure quality time seems rare.  Patrick and I are both mentally as well as physically exhausted.   We really need to change that.  We've fallen into such a rut.  I need mindless distractions.

And I'm not reading....anyone who knows me knows how unusual that is...oh I've been reading some, but not my every night thing.

Sadness..  our home is just not the same it never will be

busy

we have had a busy couple of days....Nolan floats in and out of my thoughts when I'm so busy.  Friday i spent most of the day fighting tears. i was at co-op and that makes me cry pretty much every week, some weeks are worse, this was worse...

then Saturday rolled around and i was so busy and distracted that i think i only teared up twice.

every day is just different.  i feel the immense heartache and pain constantly, but some days i am busy with things that actually allow me to enjoy life.   it is often up and down like a roller coaster because enjoying myself one day results in overwhelming feelings of guilt and anger and sadness the next....

Nolan should have been there yesterday.... i have been robbed

hard day

all the days are hard...  today the permanence of our situation is weighing heavily on my heart.  the permanence of living without Nolan.  it hurts so much.  i put on public face, but inside I'm getting even more today than i was a week ago.  the hurting doesn't stop.  some days I'm better at living than others...some days i am able to laugh with my kids, smile at something a friend said, focus on positive stuff.  but even when I'm laughing,I'm hurting