Sunday, January 19, 2014
I Don't Want This to Be Real
383 days since Nolan died. I still feel like it should not be real. I still feel like he's going to come home, that I will be able to see him and hug him and talk to him. I still feel like this must be a nightmare. How can I walk through the rest of my life feeling like it is a nightmare? My family is suffering. Oh on the surface, we are all so strong. I get that comment often. "oh jill, you have handled everything with such strength, such grace." (with slight variations on the wording). Mentally I am truly checked out. I do not want to face anything anymore. I don't know how to handle it. I really don't. This going through the motions thing for the last 383 days just doesn't feel right. I don't want this to be real. I don't want this to be my life.
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i also don't want this to be real. i hate this for you. the pain i feel when i think of losing one of my kids is nothing compared to what you are going through every day. you are going through the motions well but i know you are suffering and i am so sorry.
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