More Links to Bubbles about you

http://www.bubblews.com/news/9765117-grieving-in-the-days-of-online-social-networks
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9760006-strength
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9759907-i039m-not-visiting-the-cemetery-today
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9757984-potato-soup-and-fear
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9757469-two-years-ago
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9751746-a-birthday-party

Post Traumatic Stress

I suffer from post-traumatic stress because of the death of my son.  I am certain that my children do as well.  I'm not sure about my husband.  He keeps his grief pretty close to his chest.  He also has a much stronger faith than I which seems to help him.

Finding my son dead without warning is an image that is embedded in my brain.  I still hear the screams of my other children.  I still hear my husband saying, "Nolan, don't be dead!" over and over and over.  It has faded a bit after nearly two years, but it's there.  It:  the memory that I never wanted.

Finding out that Nolan's heart simply stopped because of a condition called Myocarditis which was caused by some random every day virus makes raising my living children filled with this big question mark, this huge stress, this worry.

My twelve-year old often complains of chest pains.  He has been to the doctor, the er, a cardiologist many times since Nolan's death.  Everything appears healthy and normal.  Of course, Nolan's heart probably appeared healthy a month before his death as well.  How can I reconcile this?  How can I try to tell my living son that he has nothing to worry about?  I don't want to turn him into a hypochondriac. 

My eleven year old daughter didn't sleep much for the first year or so after Nolan's death.  At some point, she started asking me at night if her heart was ok.  She said it hurt, it felt funny.  We also took her to the specialist for evaluations.  She seems fine as well. 

My eight-year old doesn't seem to worry at this point.  My three-year old was young enough when it happened that I don't think she was phased by everything.  Oh, she misses Nolan, but she didn't understand what was happening when she saw her mother scream and fall to the snow-covered ground. 

Part of the worry I have gives me this horrible feeling of wishing my children would hurry and grow up and move out of the house.  I will always worry about them, always.  But I get so tired and exhausted from the sight of Liam putting his heart over his chest and Ciara asking if she's going to be ok.  I understand it.  And I love them so much.  And down deep, NO, I am not ready for them to grow up and move out.  It's just the stress on top of the grief. 

This myocarditis stuff isn't as rare as you would think.  I am currently a part of a group of people who have been affected by the condition.  This group has over 800 members.  There are many times this is misdiagnosed.   The numbers are much higher than that.  I hear story after story that is like mine where someone went to check on their loved one and he/she was simply dead in bed with no warning. 

It's not fair.  It's not right.

This is my silent scream

because you know I need to scream

inside I yell always

I tell myself that I HAVE THE WORST STORY OF EVERYONE!!!!!!! MY LOSS IS THE WORST.

outside I know that all of our losses are horrible

but i'm selfish

I only care about my loss of my sweet Nolan

he should be here and I am silently screaming at all times

yes, it has been 18 months and for those of you who do not have a heart, let me tell you that IT HURTS JUST AS MUCH TODAY!!!!!!!

this is hell

observations

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3691890-more-observations-of-a-grieving-mother

It's Never Going to Get Easier

It will always be something.  Tonight, I sit here crying because of people sharing pictures from their children's 8th grade graduation.  Nolan would be graduating from 8th grade this year too.  Instead, like a thief in the night, God stole him from me.  It's not fair.

Signs???

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3044472-i039ve-stopped-looking-for-signs

Too Much Fear, so I Ignore it??

I have found myself ignoring things that should make me freak out, namely Ciara and liam saying their heart hurts. 

liam went through that after papa died.  then he went through it after Nolan died.  nothing was wrong.  but what if that changes?

Ciara worries.  she only mentions the heart feeling at bedtime.  so I chalk it up to worry.  but what if?

I worry too much, mentally, but I ignore stuff lately.  I feel like I am overwhelmed by life.  so I ignore. 

is this normal?  I don't know.  I feel like everything I do I do wrong. 

why did you have to die Nolan?  why???????????????

middle of the night

i'm up in the middle of the night because logan is having a breathing treatment.  i'm laying here worrying about Ciara.  she has said a couple times recently that her heart hurts.  I ask her what she means.  she can't explain.  however, it usually is just at bedtime and after she starts thinking about it.  so I really thought it was nothing.  but today, she said it while she was watching tv. 

I think I should take her to the doctor.  can you imagine how horrible I would feel if the same thing happened to her as Nolan?  chances are it is nothing.  but I should take her.  which reminds me that I also need to schedule follow up appointments for her and liam with the cardiologist.

remember they went last spring and wore heart monitors and had tests and everything was fine. 

she does have a cough which can make your chest hurt.  but it's not that bad of a cough.  and it's not while she is coughing.  crap.  why does this have to be so scary?

 

everything takes such an effort now

cooking is so draining.  I hate going in my kitchen.  dishes, ugh, always piled high in my sink.  I hate them.  I never make dessert.  I usually buy ice cream or something already made.  i'm lazy.

budgeting hasn't happened since Nolan's death.  we have spent so much money without paying attention.  time to start meal planning again. 

paying bills.  who can remember?  oh yeah, they are about to shut it off.... oops.  I better pay.

even reading books.  I love to read.  I haven't read a book since before chirstmas.  me.... over two months, no book. 

showering.  shaving legs.  effort.  ugh.

remembering anything. 

getting out of bed. 

being nice sometimes.  dealing with drama.  caring. 

reading to my kids.  I never do that anymore.  that makes me feel like a bigger failure than any of the other stuff.

the basement

Nolan, I wish you were here to see what I have been doing in the basement.  I have been working so hard to make it a space we can actually use.  I have cleaned, decluttered, painted, bought too much stuff, hired someone to build a wall and do some electrical work. 

Today, I sat down there for a few minutes and all I could think of was  you.  I was thinking how you need to be here to enjoy it.  I was thinking how you would be begging for it to be your bedroom.  When you were here, we were falling all over each other in our small house.  We needed more space.  Then you were gone and our house felt empty. 

It still feels empty.... you aren't here.  there's an emptiness that is unbearable. 

I Don't Want This to Be Real

383 days since Nolan died.  I still feel like it should not be real.  I still feel like he's going to come home, that I will be able to see him and hug him and talk to him.  I still feel like this must be a nightmare.  How can I walk through the rest of my life feeling like it is a nightmare?  My family is suffering.  Oh on the surface, we are all so strong.  I get that comment often.  "oh jill, you have handled everything with such strength, such grace."  (with slight variations on the wording).  Mentally I am truly checked out.  I do not want to face anything anymore.  I don't know how to handle it.  I really don't.  This going through the motions thing for the last 383 days just doesn't feel right.  I don't want this to be real.  I don't want this to be my life.

random thoughts

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1781191-another-late-night

another late night when I couldn't sleep... random thoughts of my sweet son. 

a poem

it's 2:45am and i'm writing depressing poetry....  here it is.

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1763925-a-late-night-poem

guilt

Grieving parents feel guilt.  I have read numerous writings by parents who have lost a child and every single parent feels guilt.   Sometimes there is a valid reason for some guilt, but mostly there's just the feeling that we should have done something different poor noticed something that was hard to notice....

I feel guilt.  Patrick feels guilt.

The other night I was watching tv with the kids and these thoughts settled into my head....I thought "perhaps if I had hugged Nolan more tightly before he went to bed, I should have noticed his heart was beating funny. Then I could have taken him to the hospital and we wouldn't be living this nightmare."

I have lots of other feelings of things I did wrong that day, but that was a new one...

I know that there's probably no way I would have noticed his heart was beating funny, but what if???

Guilt

old people should die first

Today I read that Edith bunker died.  A favorite actress from my childhood.  Sure it is sad.  But I can't help but think. "Why did she get  to live to 80?  Why not my sweet son?   Why did he only get 13 years on earth?"  It doesn't seem fair.  I'm certain both, my mom and my dad, would gladly have switched places with Nolan.... they are merely 70 and 71 years old....still full of life.  I hate the thought of losing them....hate it.  But I know they wish they had gone first.  The day after Nolan died ((hate, hate, hate those words!!!!!!))  Our wonderful ninety-something priest went to the hospital, it was serious.  My first, selfish, selfish, selfish thought was. WHY DIDN'T HE DIE INSTEAD OF NOLAN!!!! I love this priest....love him.  But he should have gone before Nolan.  He should have.  It would have been sad, yes, but his death at ninety-something would make sense.  Nolan's death does not, cannot, will not, EVER make sense.
I had someone ask today how I was REALLY doing.... not many people ask that question.  This is an acquaintance who has really touched my heart since Nolan died.  She's one of the few who blatantly asks about Nolan and I love her for it.  Not related at all to my above commentary.... but this woman whom I barely know just seems to"get" me more than so many other s.... she asked today if it was ok for her to mention Nolan...I said YES!!! Please talk about him .  Please say Nolan's sweet name

taco bell

We ate taco bell for lunch today.  It was the first time since the day before Nolan's death.... on Dec 30, we went to church.  We were minus daddy, but plus a friend of ciara s.  We drove her home after mass.  Nolan sat in the front seat, next to me.  The kids were thrilled with my announcement of lunch at taco bell.  Daddy hates taco bell, so we don't have it too often.  Nolan had two bean burritos, his favorite.

Today, we went through the busy drive through and all I could think of was the last time we were there... how 24 hours later my world had come crashing down....  taco bell.... forever I will think of it as part of my last day on earth with my precious son.

a horror

I can't wrap my mind around the horror of this...Nolan went to bed thinking he had his whole life ahead of him.  Maybe thinking about playing air soft guns again the next day, maybe thinking about the avengers, maybe thinking of a girl....he had no reason to think his life was over.... that's the horror of it.  His life is over.

so many things that will never happen

so my dear sweet husband kind of messed up on my 40th birthday (don't think he even realizes it)... but you know, it was the big 4-0 and i wanted something special... either an a) surprise party or b) a surprise vacation... he got me knives.  yes, i had wanted some nice knives.  so in that respect, he did fine.  but that was more of a 39th bday gift of a 41st.  so... i had thought to myself, i am going to make myself clear that iw ant something special for my 50th.  something big like an a) surprise party or b) a surprise vacation... now that nolan is gone, i honestly don't care.  granted.  that is 7 years from now.  but for one thing, my birthday is nolan's birthday.  that will always take precendence over my day.  so a big 50th bday for me?  or a memorial for nolan who should be turning 20 on that day.... see?  no fiftieth bday for me.

another thing i had really, really hoped to do.... i wanted to redo our marriage vows maybe at 20th anniversary... and i wanted it special.  a party.  all of our friends and family.  our kids up there with us.  our kids.  up there.  as we redo our vows.  and now???? how could i do that and think that it felt right???? a party with our whole family WITHOUT NOLAN?????  how can that happen? 

those are both selfish things... things for ME that i have dreamed of.....  of course, there are all the many, many things that i think of about nolan... things that won't happen.

there's a girl we know through our catholic homeschool group.  for some reason, i just had this thought of "he's going to marry her".... and now???  anytime I see her, when i see her post things of fb, when i hear from her mom about things... right now, not a big deal... but when she actually does get married????? i'm going to be crushed.  

Nolan will never marry. 

Nolan will never have a first kiss.

Nolan will never graduate from high school or college.

Nolan will never get a first job.

Nolan will never drive a car (though he did often sit on daddy's lap & help drive). 

Nolan will never go to Europe (hell, at this rate, neither will I)

Nolan will never be a father. 

It's all so heartbreaking... I can't stand it. 

everything is so different...edit

And obviously, worse....but that's not my point so much this time....I'm just thinking how this entire 2013, the worst year of my life, I'm scatterbrained and forget everything and yet I've barely used my calendar....I've flown by the seat of my pants as I've lived this nightmare, I've been late for things, I've missed things, and I really don't care....  I've learned that so much of everything we do, we think about, it is all pointless....

Pointless, a random thought that had crossed my mind so much since Nolan died...I was so over protective of him when he was little, I've taken him to do many Dr appointments, I've tried to keep him healthy and safe....Pointless...a random virus snuck in my home and killed him.... Pointless... keeping my kids safe, for what?


Friendships: different...I think most friends don't get how anything I do exhausts me and that I may think of them but probably won't call them or email them....I really need them to make the effort because I'm just not able to...  I'm l onely, but I don't really care anymore.
I mean,I don't like to be lonely, I don't,  but I just don't have the energy to care.   I have friends who I know care about me, but they just don't reach out to me...maybe they don't know what to say

I've always feared death...death of myself and death of my loved ones.  I still am scared of dying, but sometimes I think, well the pain will end....that's definitely different...

Our home is different, worse, we watch so much tv now.  Pure quality time seems rare.  Patrick and I are both mentally as well as physically exhausted.   We really need to change that.  We've fallen into such a rut.  I need mindless distractions.

And I'm not reading....anyone who knows me knows how unusual that is...oh I've been reading some, but not my every night thing.

Sadness..  our home is just not the same it never will be

busy

we have had a busy couple of days....Nolan floats in and out of my thoughts when I'm so busy.  Friday i spent most of the day fighting tears. i was at co-op and that makes me cry pretty much every week, some weeks are worse, this was worse...

then Saturday rolled around and i was so busy and distracted that i think i only teared up twice.

every day is just different.  i feel the immense heartache and pain constantly, but some days i am busy with things that actually allow me to enjoy life.   it is often up and down like a roller coaster because enjoying myself one day results in overwhelming feelings of guilt and anger and sadness the next....

Nolan should have been there yesterday.... i have been robbed