Signs from our Lost Loved Ones

I ask for signs and I do not get them.
Some would beg to differ as I have shared a couple stories of touching coincidences.   Although the coincidences felt like a small gift from my son, these weren't quite the signs that I hoped for. 

Stories abound of visits in the night during a state of sleep or scents that could only be some supernatural or sounds or feelings. 

I have had nothing like that.  Nothing.

I have prayed to God and asked for something, even just some sort of comfort.  I tried praying and praying in the beginning.  I felt empty.  I stopped praying.

It makes it hard to have faith. 

A mother who loses her child like I did needs something, SOMETHING!  If there is a God who cares, you would think He would be sympathetic. 

But no. 

Nothing.

Another Post Titled Thirteen....

Shortly after the loss of my precious son, I wrote a post on here titled Thirteen. 
http://thesorrowful.blogspot.com/2013/02/thirteen.html

It seems impossible that I wrote that nearly two years ago.  How can it be two years since I lost him?   Two years since I kissed him goodnight and watched him walk down the hallway.  The last time to watch him walk down the hallway.

Tonight I wrote a post on my other website about my twelve-year old turning thirteen next week. 
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9325821-thirteen-isn039t-going-to-be-easy-on-me

And I thought how tough THIRTEEN is for me now. 

And I wonder if it is going through Liam's mind that Nolan died right after he turned 13.  Liam is already a worrier.  Is he worried?  Is he scared?

Why do we have to suffer this nightmare?  I still do not understand.  I don't have the faith to understand. 

Will I Always Feel So Angry?

I wonder at times if I will always feel so angry.  I have such ugly thoughts at times.  Sometimes they are about me, my family, God, other people. 

I'm just filled with hate. 

On a photo that I shared on facebook much like the one I have attached to this post, someone wrote "He is always with you."  And my first hateful thought was, NO HE IS NOT!  HE IS BURIED IN THE GROUND! 

such darkness permeates my being.

And it has aged me.  oh it has aged me. 

And I have gained weight.  I look at myself and cannot believe how horrible I look.  I feel like the ugliness of my soul is showing in the ugliness of me nowadays. 

property of me.

I'm not writing as much about sorrow

It's not that I'm not feeling the sorrow.  I'm just not writing about it as much.  To those who see it on my blogs occasionally, they probably still think "wow, is that all she talks about?"  To me, sometimes I feel like I still have much to say.  Here's a few links to recent things I have written on my other blog.

http://www.bubblews.com/news/8913214-a-mother039s-anxiety
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8821103-praying-when-you-aren039t-sure-what-you-believe
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8631594-visiting-my-son039s-grave
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7835438-i-don039t-know-how-to-be-a-good-mother-anymore
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7823797-before-or-after
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7953982-the-overprotective-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8007979-yoga-tears-and-my-son
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8076169-playlist-for-the-grieving-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8287900-fifteen
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8240402-nolan039s-wish
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8350081-sentimental-for-the-old-days

Why God?

Why did YOU take my son?  Why?  It's not fair. 

I miss Nolan with all of my heart.  And I'll never hear his sweet voice again.

I just don't know if I will ever feel a trust in God again. 

This is the stuff that scares me

here's a link to info about myocarditis, what killed Nolan.  if you read the symptoms, they are so vague.  how many times have my kids had those very symptoms?  it sucks.  it really sucks that something like this exists!!!!

http://www.myocarditisfoundation.org/about-myocarditis/

sorrow

sometimes it just hits me when I look at your picture how GONE you are.... I start to feel more empty.  there is a constant emptiness since you left us.  but occasionally, I just feel more empty.  does that make sense?

today I was looking at your picture from a saint Patrick's day, probably about 5 years ago or so.  you are so little.  you look so happy.  I look at pictures and suddenly realize the truth in never seeing you again, the truth in never hearing your voice.

my faith is so shattered.  I don't know if I will ever see you again.  I dont' know if there is a heaven.  I just don't. 

then there are those who believe in heaven we will not even remember our earthly life. 

if that's true, then I still won't see you.

my heart is broken.

thinking of another grieving mother today

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2559403-more-thoughts-on-the-grieving-mother  

the basement

Nolan, I wish you were here to see what I have been doing in the basement.  I have been working so hard to make it a space we can actually use.  I have cleaned, decluttered, painted, bought too much stuff, hired someone to build a wall and do some electrical work. 

Today, I sat down there for a few minutes and all I could think of was  you.  I was thinking how you need to be here to enjoy it.  I was thinking how you would be begging for it to be your bedroom.  When you were here, we were falling all over each other in our small house.  We needed more space.  Then you were gone and our house felt empty. 

It still feels empty.... you aren't here.  there's an emptiness that is unbearable. 

snuggling with the kids

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1452517-not-much-sweeter-than-snuggling-with-your-children

The World of Nolan (his blog)

So, for scouts, Nolan started a blog... he only has 3 entries.  if I can remember what I used as the password, I may start uploading some stuff to it.  if I can't, I will just put it on my own blog.  Nolan is such a creative child.  I have all sorts of artwork that I want to upload for everyone to see.  He did these funny comics/cartoons... I always laughed about how cool he was because he would be drawing religious art one moment and the next doing some silly boy humor cartoon... he was all boy, but a boy with heart and a strong faith...  so anyway, I plan to start doing that... not just bombarding you all with all my pain, but letting you see his immense talent.  he started writing so many times, writing books.  and they were great.  but he never finished.  he was a kid after all....  I truly believed that somewhere in there was a book/novel that would be written/completed.... 

I had this plan to write a book myself, kind of a judy blume-ish book geared towards the younger set (ala tales of a 4th grade nothing)... silly, boy humor...  It was (is) called "the Bully"  and Nolan was all set to illustrate it for me.... I guess I took too long to actually write it.  we have no guaranteed tomorrows do we?

anyway, today I am going to link you to Nolan's little blog.  it has 3 entries.  he had all sorts of stuff he wanted to write.  I just love the voldemort one because I am a huge harry potter fan... yes, I am.  I admit it.  I love harry potter!    so here's Nolan's blog.
 http://worldofnolan.blogspot.com

a horror

I can't wrap my mind around the horror of this...Nolan went to bed thinking he had his whole life ahead of him.  Maybe thinking about playing air soft guns again the next day, maybe thinking about the avengers, maybe thinking of a girl....he had no reason to think his life was over.... that's the horror of it.  His life is over.

everything is so different...edit

And obviously, worse....but that's not my point so much this time....I'm just thinking how this entire 2013, the worst year of my life, I'm scatterbrained and forget everything and yet I've barely used my calendar....I've flown by the seat of my pants as I've lived this nightmare, I've been late for things, I've missed things, and I really don't care....  I've learned that so much of everything we do, we think about, it is all pointless....

Pointless, a random thought that had crossed my mind so much since Nolan died...I was so over protective of him when he was little, I've taken him to do many Dr appointments, I've tried to keep him healthy and safe....Pointless...a random virus snuck in my home and killed him.... Pointless... keeping my kids safe, for what?


Friendships: different...I think most friends don't get how anything I do exhausts me and that I may think of them but probably won't call them or email them....I really need them to make the effort because I'm just not able to...  I'm l onely, but I don't really care anymore.
I mean,I don't like to be lonely, I don't,  but I just don't have the energy to care.   I have friends who I know care about me, but they just don't reach out to me...maybe they don't know what to say

I've always feared death...death of myself and death of my loved ones.  I still am scared of dying, but sometimes I think, well the pain will end....that's definitely different...

Our home is different, worse, we watch so much tv now.  Pure quality time seems rare.  Patrick and I are both mentally as well as physically exhausted.   We really need to change that.  We've fallen into such a rut.  I need mindless distractions.

And I'm not reading....anyone who knows me knows how unusual that is...oh I've been reading some, but not my every night thing.

Sadness..  our home is just not the same it never will be

hell

I'll be brief.   This is hell.

found a poem today

found a letter tonight, in the process of getting ruined thanks to a spill in the basement, Nolan wrote it to us while he was at scout camp in the summer of 2011. He wrote a little poem in the letter that seriously could have been written today, part of was unreadable, but I think I got most it. here it is:
I miss home and you
In the days that have gone
Many things here are new
As things are to a faun
I've been here so long
But home does not fade
I remember you guys
As I sit in the shade
I know that I will see you soon
And by and by
And I can't believe I'm lucky enough to tell you
I love you and goodbye.

hard day

all the days are hard...  today the permanence of our situation is weighing heavily on my heart.  the permanence of living without Nolan.  it hurts so much.  i put on public face, but inside I'm getting even more today than i was a week ago.  the hurting doesn't stop.  some days I'm better at living than others...some days i am able to laugh with my kids, smile at something a friend said, focus on positive stuff.  but even when I'm laughing,I'm hurting