Jealousy is Ugly

yet another story being shared of a child who we are praying for who is getting better. 

it's not that I don't want that child to get better.

I do.

I just don't understand why we couldn't get a miracle.  I don't understand why we didn't even have a chance.  My son died in his sleep with no warning.  How the hell is that fair?

Heartbroken

Celebrating birthdays together, as a family. 

 We will never be complete, ever again. 

 This crack in the foundation of our family is irreparable. 

 How do you mend a broken heart?

 You can mend one of those romantic heartbreaks. 

 The heartbreak from losing your child is total destruction of your soul, your spirit.

 The heartbreak from losing your child is brutally painful.

 The immense hole in your life cannot be filled and will forever remain empty.

 There is a hazy cover of sorrow that shadows you, always.

 The days of being happy go lucky are no more.

 The days of belief and understanding of the world are gone.

 There is nothing you can do to fix it. 

Signs from our Lost Loved Ones

I ask for signs and I do not get them.
Some would beg to differ as I have shared a couple stories of touching coincidences.   Although the coincidences felt like a small gift from my son, these weren't quite the signs that I hoped for. 

Stories abound of visits in the night during a state of sleep or scents that could only be some supernatural or sounds or feelings. 

I have had nothing like that.  Nothing.

I have prayed to God and asked for something, even just some sort of comfort.  I tried praying and praying in the beginning.  I felt empty.  I stopped praying.

It makes it hard to have faith. 

A mother who loses her child like I did needs something, SOMETHING!  If there is a God who cares, you would think He would be sympathetic. 

But no. 

Nothing.

Pictures of You

I'm thankful for photographs of your beautiful face.  How I wish I had more.   There are days when I am looking through old pictures and I notice one with you in the background.  I get to see an expression on your face that I haven't seen in nearly two years. 

 Even the blurry photos of you are meaningful to me.  I have on on this post that is blurred, but it is you in the middle of being silly.  I look at it and want to see you act silly again. 

I do not know how anyone could ever think that a mother gets over the loss of her child.  I've heard the words "letting go" and "moving on" too many times from people who have never lost a child. 

People have often said how lucky I am to have so many photos of Nolan.  It's true.  I do feel grateful to have so many pictures of his beautiful face.  There are moments that I look at them and suddenly it hits me that the photos are all that I have.  I'll see his sweet smile and suddenly feel sick to my stomach.  I'll remember that he is gone

It's not that I ever forget that he is gone.  However, some moments I am actually in the moment of what is happening in the here and the now.  Then a physical feeling overcomes me.  I am not sure how to describe it, but it is an actual feeling that my body experiences.  It is sort of like a chill that travels through my entire body, often originating in my stomach, and it has a hint of nausea to it.  Then it reaches my throat and sometimes it makes it hard to breathe.  Other times it makes me feel like throwing up.

Two years later and I still experience this often. 

A grieving mother does not get over it. 

She learns to live with it because she has to.

The Second Thanksgiving, But Another First

Next week will be my second Thanksgiving without my son.  Nolan loved Thanksgiving because he loved to see his family.  He loved to have the big turkey leg.  He loved mashed potatoes and dinner rolls and pumpkin pie.  Grandma always made plenty of pumpkin pie because she knew how much he loved it. 

Most of our Thanksgivings since becoming parents have been at my sister's home.  Last year, for some reason, it was at my mom's house instead.  I'm unsure if it was in attempt to lessen our sorrow or what by making it different. 

This year it returns to my sister's house.  Not only will it be the first Thanksgiving at her house since Nolan's death, it will be my first time PERIOD at her house since his death.  All I will think of is his presence and how it is missing. 

Why does he have to be gone? 

Why?

THANKSGIVING 2012

THANKSGIVING 2011

GRANDMA'S HOUSE

Another Post Titled Thirteen....

Shortly after the loss of my precious son, I wrote a post on here titled Thirteen. 
http://thesorrowful.blogspot.com/2013/02/thirteen.html

It seems impossible that I wrote that nearly two years ago.  How can it be two years since I lost him?   Two years since I kissed him goodnight and watched him walk down the hallway.  The last time to watch him walk down the hallway.

Tonight I wrote a post on my other website about my twelve-year old turning thirteen next week. 
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9325821-thirteen-isn039t-going-to-be-easy-on-me

And I thought how tough THIRTEEN is for me now. 

And I wonder if it is going through Liam's mind that Nolan died right after he turned 13.  Liam is already a worrier.  Is he worried?  Is he scared?

Why do we have to suffer this nightmare?  I still do not understand.  I don't have the faith to understand. 

Will I Always Feel So Angry?

I wonder at times if I will always feel so angry.  I have such ugly thoughts at times.  Sometimes they are about me, my family, God, other people. 

I'm just filled with hate. 

On a photo that I shared on facebook much like the one I have attached to this post, someone wrote "He is always with you."  And my first hateful thought was, NO HE IS NOT!  HE IS BURIED IN THE GROUND! 

such darkness permeates my being.

And it has aged me.  oh it has aged me. 

And I have gained weight.  I look at myself and cannot believe how horrible I look.  I feel like the ugliness of my soul is showing in the ugliness of me nowadays. 

property of me.

Fall Photos without my Son

On Tuesday, we went to Loose Park to take annual fall photos of the children.  The first fall that I took pictures was 2000 and my son, Nolan was just under a year old.  I remember taking just a few shots of him amid the beautiful colors of the fallen leaves from the nearby maple tree.  He sat upon a black bench holding a leaf.  I didn't really think of the fact that I was starting a tradition.  I was just there, a new mom, with my beautiful beloved child. 

Fall of 2014 would have been the fifteenth year of photographing my children in the lovely autumn setting. 

I skipped 2013.  I didn't necessarily plan to skip it.  I still wanted to keep the tradition because I know that is important for my other children.  But I skipped it because Nolan had died. 

Nolan died on December 31, 2012 sometime in the middle of the night because his heart had been infected by a normal, run-of-the-mill virus. 

When fall of 2013 rolled around, I was suffering immense anxiety and grief, of course, over the loss.  Time got away from me.  We skipped the tradition.

So we dressed up on Tuesday for photos.  Upon arrival at the park, I noticed that many of the leaves were still green.  The lovely fall colors were not to be seen, but we were there.  As our busy schedule makes things like this difficult, I moved forward with the tradition.  It's still fall.  The kids are still beautiful.  I still took photos.

It was difficult to do so without my sweet child.  I was sad.  I was angry.  I yelled at my twelve-year old son because he was misbehaving and I thought he should be understanding that this was tough for me. 

2012

2014

Body Odor Makes Me Sad

Nolan had just started to need deodorant occasionally.  It wasn't an all the time thing.  He was a little behind on hitting puberty. 

Liam seems ahead of the game.  Body hair, growth, and body odor.  He's got it all. 

Today, he smelled up the van so badly with his body odor.  He had played soccer yesterday then went to a sleepover.  At the sleepover, they rode bikes.  He had no deodorant and didn't shower.  Boy did he smell.

I felt sad thinking that I never really dealt with that with Nolan. 

I'm so sick and angry with God with the world.  If there was a God that cared, Nolan wouldnt' have died.  If there was a God that cared, I could receive some sort of powerful sign because I NEED IT. 

There's no one up there that cares about me.

Another MOthers' Day without You

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3317255-mothers039-day-random-thoughts

I just can't get it together

in my head, I can't help but compare the other kids to Nolan.  it's not fair.  this is making me a worse mom!!!!  I have had so many people tell me how what happened to Nolan has made them a better mom.  yet, me, the one who lost my son???? i'm a much worse mom now.  i'm angry and sad all the time.  I yell.  I disappear into myself.  this made me a worse mom.  how can there be a God when this stuff happens?  There is no reason for this.  there is no purpose to this.  i'm miserable.

Why God?

Why did YOU take my son?  Why?  It's not fair. 

I miss Nolan with all of my heart.  And I'll never hear his sweet voice again.

I just don't know if I will ever feel a trust in God again. 

ciara

I worry so much about their health.  I think she might have heartburn, but she doesn' tknow how to explain it to me. 

falling apart

sometimes I feel like we are falling apart. 

i'm tired and have no energy anymore.  I never read to the kids.  we watch tv too much.

Patrick is tired and grouchy all the time.  part of it is his job.  he works really long hours for not enough pay.  there's no appreciation for him there.  butg I know it boils down to losing Nolan.

there's just such discord in our home.  it never feels "happy" anymore

regrets

http://www.bubblews.com/news/863701-regrets

it just hit me

one year ago today was the funeral.  i wouldn't have even thought of it except that my niece's birthday is this weekend & i remember that hers was the day after.  i also forgot that it was my brother-in-law's birthday. 

so one year ago today was the last time i touch my son's body.  even though it was lifeless, it was his body.  the one that i carried in my womb; the one that kicked me; the one that lay next to my heartbeat.   One year ago, his body was lowered into the earth.   I hate this day for that. 

still waiting on a bigger sign, but....

read my story here....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1746063-kind-of-a-sign-maybe-not-a-big-sign-i-want-a-big-sign-but-a-sign

angry

i'm so angry.  I am mad at God.  I'm mad at myself.  That's really it.  God and me.  More God than me... I do NOT understand how He could let this happen.  Bad things happen all the time.  I have always questioned them.  There have been people that my family has prayed and prayed and prayed for that have died.

 Glenn Wright, father of 5, I think, maybe 6, was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few years ago, right after he lost his job & lost his insurance!!!!  The whole thing sucked!  One of his 5 kids was a fairly new baby... He had soooo many people praying for him.  But he died. 

Natalie, sweet 4 year old neice of my friend Stephanie... Found out she had a brain tumor, I think in April of 2012.  So many people praying.  She died in September or October.  Can't remember which now.   Why???

There have been so many others.  Innocents, fathers, mothers....

Never does death make sense when it is a child.  I have heard so many horrible stories and always think "why"... but honestly, I feel like Nolan's death makes sense less than any of them... How does a 13 year old boy go to bed "healthy" and die in his sleep????? I know now that he wasn't technically "healthy", he had a virus that attacked his heart.  Well, then why didn't he have severe symptoms that we could have treated???? Why God???? Why?????   How can YOU let that happen?  If you are the creator of our world, if YOU listen to prayers, if you care about us lowly humans, then HOW can you let something so awful and senseless happen?????  I'm angry, angry, angry!!!!!!!!!  

If God truly listened to our prayers, then why is my prayer of more than 13 years of keeping Nolan healthy & safe ignored????

All this crap about things happening for a reason... yeah, right... whatever.  There's NO reason for this.  Nothing could make any sense from this.  Nothing.  The pain that this has caused my family.  The loss of the the entire world of such a wonderful person as Nolan.  No sense.  He was just such a special, special kid with so much to offer the world!!!!!!  He played outside all day!!!!  He ate a lot of food!  He acted FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   How?  Why?  WHY??????? 

I'm angry.  And I just wonder how I can ever feel a trust for God again.  Or Love.  I don't feel any love for God right now.  I'm just too filled with anger.