Pondering Grief

Originally written Jan 20, 2014

As I sit in my bed in the wee hours of the morning, I'm thinking how I have spent nearly every night for the last 384 nights like this, wide awake.

Awake and heavy-eyed, I am pondering grief. Grief affects every person in a manner unique to themselves. My husband and I have grieved very differently from one another since losing our son a year ago.

He's very private; I'm very public.
He doesn't want to cry in front of the kids; I have cried many, many times in front of the kids.
He doesn't talk about his feelings with his friends; I want to talk about my feelings with my friends.
He feels the need to go to the cemetery often; I feel like I should go to the cemetery, but I don't really want to go.
He has turned to God because our son's death makes no sense; I have turned away from God because our son's death makes no sense.
He trusts God; I fear that I can no longer trust in anything.

We both miss him so much that it hurts. We have both felt like running away since Nolan's death. We both have aged probably five or ten years in the last year. We both have shed innumerable tears. We will both love our son until the end of time.

The Complexity of Grief

This was originally written on Bubblews by me on October 2014

Looking at photographs of you will make me cry
Looking at photographs of you can make me smile
Videos of you usually bring tears
I have anger at all times: sometimes simmering beneath the surface, other times exploding , often misdirected
I pray for a sign, yet I'm no longer sure if I have faith
I don't talk to you as much as I should, but I miss you more than is imaginable
Sometimes I push your memories away from me instead of immersing myself in them
The pain still feels physical after all of this time
As it nears two years without you, I continue to wonder how it can be true. I will even occasionally pinch or slap myself to try to wake from this nightmare
Losing my thirteen year old son unexpectedly in his sleep because his heart simply stopped is not something that I can just get over.

The Birth of My Son

originally published on bubblews in December 2013

December.... Traditionally, December is my favorite time of year. It always has been. Not only is it Christmas, but it is my birthday. Then, along came Nolan in 1999 and even more reasons to love it. With 2010 came the birth of my daughter ella, so December has always been special to me.

My eldest child, Nolan, my first-born, had a due date of late January. As a first time pregnant mom, I worried very little. People are pregnant and give birth every day. So when I went into the doctor for my check-up on December 21, 1999, I had no fear. I had borderline high blood pressure the last couple weeks. However, I wasn't worried. When the doctor measured me and noted that I hadn't grown in 2 weeks, I was not worried. When she sent me over to have an ultrasound, I still felt no fear.

As the ultrasound techs started noting things and talking quietly, I began to think something might be wrong. I called my husband and said you might want to join me at the dr office. By the time he arrived, they told me "you are having a baby tonight"... They proceeded to tell us that our child looked to be only 2 pounds or so. He was approximately 6 weeks early. We were scared.

Around 10pm, the medical team started me on pitocen to try to start labor. After about an hour, they realized that my sweet child's heart rate was dropping every time there was a contraction. The consensus was that his small body could not handle labor. The decision was made to prep for a C-section. At this point, it was near midnight, it was near my birthday, my 30th birthday. As they prepared for delivering my first child, I realized it would be on my birthday.

Shortly after midnight, I heard my son's first cry. It was an amazing, scary sound. My husband and I both burst into tears. We were already in love with this child more than words could ever say.

He weighed in at 3 pounds 12 ounces. He was small, but healthy. He only stayed in the hospital for 9 days. They sent us home with our precious son on New Year's Eve 1999.

13 years later, New Year's Eve 2012, our son was dead in his bed from a virus to his heart.

13 years we had with this beautiful child.

13 years were not enough.

I miss him immensely.

I want him back

St Patrick's Day without You

sad days.... always sad days

here's a post from my other blog
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9898691-missing-him-a-little-extra-today

The Beauty of a boy

http://www.bubblews.com/news/9776454-the-beauty-of-a-boy

The Fear is Too Much

The fear is too much.  Sometimes I just cannot handle this.  I wonder how to go through the next however many years of my life with such fear coursing through my body all of the time.  You add the fear to the grief and i  think it is taking such a toll on my physically, mentally, spiritually.

Exhaustion

Grief is so tiring.  Today is no different.  I'm tired. 

Of course, I drank too much wine which is good until it isn't. 

Then I became too tired to do all that I needed to finish tonight. 

I'm ready for peace and quiet. 

I feel bad when I am craving peace and quiet.  I love the loudness of my kids.  If only my Nolan were here to add to the loudness.

How can he be gone???

Heartbroken

Celebrating birthdays together, as a family. 

 We will never be complete, ever again. 

 This crack in the foundation of our family is irreparable. 

 How do you mend a broken heart?

 You can mend one of those romantic heartbreaks. 

 The heartbreak from losing your child is total destruction of your soul, your spirit.

 The heartbreak from losing your child is brutally painful.

 The immense hole in your life cannot be filled and will forever remain empty.

 There is a hazy cover of sorrow that shadows you, always.

 The days of being happy go lucky are no more.

 The days of belief and understanding of the world are gone.

 There is nothing you can do to fix it. 

Tears at a Wedding

my husband and I attended a wedding tonight.  (I suppose since it is 4am, I should say yesterday)

he's not much of a dancer, but he likes to dance to slow songs. 

the live band performed "I Will Always Love You,"  to which we danced.

as we were dancing slowly, all I could think of was Nolan.  initially, I was imagining me saying the words to him.  Then I realized it was more appropriate to think of him saying them to me because the singer is the one to leave. 

and he left

he left me without a warning

not by choice, of course

but he left me.

the lyrics say something like "well I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this, I wish you love." 

yes, it's a love song, but isn't the love between parent and child unlike any other?

When It's Not Quite As Warm and Fuzzy as You Wish

Traditions.  Oh how I love traditions.

Do you ever find that the actual traditions don't always work out as warm and fuzzy and lovely and sweet as you hope? 

For example....

 

Today is the decorate the tree day, something I look forward to each year.

 

First my eleven year old daughter was being moody.

 

Next, my thirteen-year old was being thirteen.

 

Then he wasn't careful with one of Nolan's old ornaments.  That made me cry.  It didn't break, but a piece fell off. 

 

Then I had an angry tone with him.

 

It all ended with my daughter going into her room and slamming her door. 

 All the while, the Christmas songs are playing on the speakers.  We should be happy and cheerful.

 Of course, you have the sorrow I feel on top of it.  I'm sad.  Nolan was so good about the tree and decorating.  Sometimes it still feels like I am going to wake up from this nightmare. 

It's been almost two years, but I still feel like I should hear his voice at any time.

Does a parent ever get used to this?  I don't see how you do.  I mean, yes, you deal.  You have to. 

Many friends and even just mere acquaintances have said that what happened to Nolan MY SON has made them a better mother. 

Sometimes (in my grouchy brain), I think about saying "well, gee, i'm HAPPY for you." 

I don't.

I know they mean well.

But honestly, I am a worse mother since losing Nolan.  I feel short-tempered with my kids.  Sometimes I feel a little colder because my heart hurts so much that I feel like I put up a barrier. 

I digress.

Putting up the tree should be non-stop joy and happy times. 

Today it was not.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is here.

My second without you. 

Most of the time I am just functioning, doing everything I have to do.  Then suddenly I feel tears because I see a picture of you.  I looked through pictures of your last thanksgiving. 

We were at my sister's house.  You and your little brother Logan helped uncle Bruce and your cousin chase to chop wood.  You loved to be productive. 

Today is the first time I will be at your Aunt Brenda's house since you died. 

I will see your ghost everywhere I am sure:  playing board games, eating turkey legs, watching tv in the living room, out in her backyard, her front yard, playing the piano. 

You will be missing.  You will be missed. 

I miss you always.