When It's Not Quite As Warm and Fuzzy as You Wish

Traditions.  Oh how I love traditions.

Do you ever find that the actual traditions don't always work out as warm and fuzzy and lovely and sweet as you hope? 

For example....

 

Today is the decorate the tree day, something I look forward to each year.

 

First my eleven year old daughter was being moody.

 

Next, my thirteen-year old was being thirteen.

 

Then he wasn't careful with one of Nolan's old ornaments.  That made me cry.  It didn't break, but a piece fell off. 

 

Then I had an angry tone with him.

 

It all ended with my daughter going into her room and slamming her door. 

 All the while, the Christmas songs are playing on the speakers.  We should be happy and cheerful.

 Of course, you have the sorrow I feel on top of it.  I'm sad.  Nolan was so good about the tree and decorating.  Sometimes it still feels like I am going to wake up from this nightmare. 

It's been almost two years, but I still feel like I should hear his voice at any time.

Does a parent ever get used to this?  I don't see how you do.  I mean, yes, you deal.  You have to. 

Many friends and even just mere acquaintances have said that what happened to Nolan MY SON has made them a better mother. 

Sometimes (in my grouchy brain), I think about saying "well, gee, i'm HAPPY for you." 

I don't.

I know they mean well.

But honestly, I am a worse mother since losing Nolan.  I feel short-tempered with my kids.  Sometimes I feel a little colder because my heart hurts so much that I feel like I put up a barrier. 

I digress.

Putting up the tree should be non-stop joy and happy times. 

Today it was not.