Showing posts with label Christmas while grieving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas while grieving. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The Birth of My Son

originally published on bubblews in December 2013

December.... Traditionally, December is my favorite time of year. It always has been. Not only is it Christmas, but it is my birthday. Then, along came Nolan in 1999 and even more reasons to love it. With 2010 came the birth of my daughter ella, so December has always been special to me.

My eldest child, Nolan, my first-born, had a due date of late January. As a first time pregnant mom, I worried very little. People are pregnant and give birth every day. So when I went into the doctor for my check-up on December 21, 1999, I had no fear. I had borderline high blood pressure the last couple weeks. However, I wasn't worried. When the doctor measured me and noted that I hadn't grown in 2 weeks, I was not worried. When she sent me over to have an ultrasound, I still felt no fear.

As the ultrasound techs started noting things and talking quietly, I began to think something might be wrong. I called my husband and said you might want to join me at the dr office. By the time he arrived, they told me "you are having a baby tonight"... They proceeded to tell us that our child looked to be only 2 pounds or so. He was approximately 6 weeks early. We were scared.

Around 10pm, the medical team started me on pitocen to try to start labor. After about an hour, they realized that my sweet child's heart rate was dropping every time there was a contraction. The consensus was that his small body could not handle labor. The decision was made to prep for a C-section. At this point, it was near midnight, it was near my birthday, my 30th birthday. As they prepared for delivering my first child, I realized it would be on my birthday.

Shortly after midnight, I heard my son's first cry. It was an amazing, scary sound. My husband and I both burst into tears. We were already in love with this child more than words could ever say.

He weighed in at 3 pounds 12 ounces. He was small, but healthy. He only stayed in the hospital for 9 days. They sent us home with our precious son on New Year's Eve 1999.

13 years later, New Year's Eve 2012, our son was dead in his bed from a virus to his heart.

13 years we had with this beautiful child.

13 years were not enough.

I miss him immensely.

I want him back

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

fear sucks almost as much as losing you

in bed, scared.  2 years ago you went to bed and didn't wake up.  we had no warning.  no real warning. 

you were 13

now liam is 13.  and he is always worried that something is wrong with him.  what if someday something actually is wrong and I miss it because he has always worried for no reason?  what if?  that scares me.  i'm scared of losing him.  i'm scared of losing all of my children.

I hate that you are gone Nolan.  it's not fair.  it's not right. 

I miss you.  I love you.

two years.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Christmas Eve

Two years ago, I had five living children in a house too small for their growing bodies.  There was rowdy wrestling, loud boys laughing, happiness. 

Christmas Eve was a lovely evening at mass then home to get ready for bed for what would be our final Christmas as a complete family.  We had no idea. 

How could we have known?

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Get Me Through This (Then What?)

The expectations of getting through the holidays when you are grieving can be a bit much.  You know everyone is wondering how you are doing.
 You know that you wonder how you are doing.  But you keep "doing"  

And there is this build up. You know it's not going to be "right," but you try to make it wonderful for everyone, especially the kids. 

And honestly, even for yourself.

It's bad enough that God took your son, should He take all of your happy moments too?

So you try to enjoy it because you always have. 

 Christmas is your favorite time of the year.  And it still is.  Yet it is the most difficult time as well.

But let's face it.  EVERYTHING is difficult now. 

Saint Patrick's Day parade:  difficult

Summer Vacation:  Difficult

Swimming at the pools:  Difficult.

Party with friends:  Difficult.
 So the fact that the holidays are "difficult," really doesn't make them any different than the rest of your life these days. 

Life as you knew it is gone.

You have now entered "the new normal."


 In some ways, the joy of the holidays provide so much other distractions that those moments of distraction are pretty good. 

That doesn't mean you don't cry. 

That doesn't mean, in fact, that you aren't crying more this month of December.  you are.


After you make it through this, the second holidays, the second death-iversary, then what?  Does it get easier?  Some folks say it does.  I'm not sure that "easy" will ever describe this. 

It's like a man who loses his leg.  He will always miss it.  He learns to live without it because he has no choice. 

But he will always walk with a limp. 

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Christmas Music

Nolan loved the Michael Buble Christmas music.  I think his favorite song was Michael Buble's version of I'm Dreaming of White Christmas.  I can hear Nolan singing along. 

Nolan always had such a good spirit. 

The holidays were so wonderful with him. for him.  He was anxious to start listening to the Christmas music, just like me.  He loved to buy gifts for everyone.  He loved to spend the holidays with our family. 

Last year, on Christmas day we all went to the cemetery together.  It felt awkward to me because no one knew what to say or do.  And my husband tends to keep his grief and sorrow to himself. 
 
This year, I would like to take my portable ipod dock and play Michael Buble's song for Nolan.