Christmas Eve

Two years ago, I had five living children in a house too small for their growing bodies.  There was rowdy wrestling, loud boys laughing, happiness. 

Christmas Eve was a lovely evening at mass then home to get ready for bed for what would be our final Christmas as a complete family.  We had no idea. 

How could we have known?

A Prayer

Please God, Sickness now frightens me.  And it's not a normal fear.  It's irrational, yet very rational because I know what the sickness can do.  But please, please, please.  I beg of you.  Let the sickness pass us by this year.  Help me to be better about keeping my kids away from germs.  Please.  And if we do have to get sick, please let it not kill us again. 
Please.

Christmas Music

Nolan loved the Michael Buble Christmas music.  I think his favorite song was Michael Buble's version of I'm Dreaming of White Christmas.  I can hear Nolan singing along. 

Nolan always had such a good spirit. 

The holidays were so wonderful with him. for him.  He was anxious to start listening to the Christmas music, just like me.  He loved to buy gifts for everyone.  He loved to spend the holidays with our family. 

Last year, on Christmas day we all went to the cemetery together.  It felt awkward to me because no one knew what to say or do.  And my husband tends to keep his grief and sorrow to himself. 

 

This year, I would like to take my portable ipod dock and play Michael Buble's song for Nolan.

Details of Your Last Day on Earth

You played airsoft guns with this neighborhood kid named Jacob that I disliked.  (not to be confused with the neighbor friend named Jake whom I do like.)

 I remember yelling at you that you knew I didn't want you playing with him, but you wanted to play airsoft. 

I grounded Liam that day for some reason from playing outside. 

I regret that because that's the last day on earth he and you could have played together like you had for the previous eleven years.

So instead you spent time with that other kid. 

 I felt like crap that day and actually took a really long nap which is unusual.  I NEVER EVER NAP!!!  Ella cooperated and slept with me.  I was in bed for probably four hours that afternoon.

I regret that.

Your last day on earth with me and I slept.  And when I woke, I was grumpy.

 For lunch we had taco bell and you were so grateful.

For dinner, we had leftover potato soup.  Although you often liked potato soup, this wasn't my best.  You weren't thrilled (no one was, not even me). 

You used the restroom around dinner time and it was a number two and was the most foul smelling number two ever.  I remember saying something to you about it.  I remember wondering if that was a sign something was wrong.  (after the fact)  Being that it was your heart, I doubt it, but who knows.

You told me to look at your teeth because they looked whiter.  I paid very little attention.  I hate that.

Your dad worked a long, long day.  He was barely home with you on your last day.  I am sure he regrets that too. 

Ella behaved horribly at mass that day.  Horribly.

We watched the Avengers. 

I was in the middle of reading Lord of the Rings for about the fifth time.  I haven't read it since. 

You prayed with your dad before going to bed. 

Ciara, Liam, and Logan all slept in the living room.

My house was a mess. 

I replay that day often.  My last day with you.  It was actually kind of a crummy day.  I didn't know.  How could I have known?  I often wonder what if you had collapsed that day when we were all awake. 

What if?

Do You Ever Feel Like the Death of the Party?

I used to be the life of the party.  Yes, me.  Happy go lucky Jill.  Party girl Jill.  Crazy Jill.  If you asked my old friends about me they would probably say that I was smart and crazy.  Not a bad combination.

Of course, life has a way of happening to change things. 

Maturity sits in for one thing.

Then life throws curveballs at you like financial problems and other stress.

Then you fall victim to the world's worst blow:  you lose your child.  Your thirteen year old son dies unexpectedly in his sleep from an unknown virus/condition in his heart. 

Blow doesn't quite do it justice.

Life deals you the most catastrophic, traumatic, sorrowful, unfair blow.

From that point on, you are no longer you. 

You are no longer the life of the party.  In fact, you often feel like the death of the party.  Other people are having normal conversations about normal stuff.  Other people haven't lost a child.  You know that they all pity you.  You want their pity at times.  At other times you don't. 

You are now carrying this heavy burden.  You now have a constant state of sadness and pain that is just THERE. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/9631090-the-girl-i-once-was

Photo credit:  my own

Anxiety Can Really Ruin a Day

I just wrote a post on my other page about how much anxiety I have suffered today.  You can read the lovely details here:  http://www.bubblews.com/news/9605474-anxiety-rules-the-day

It just got me thinking about how anxiety and panic attacks can really ruin someone's day, week, month, year, life!  Last year at this time, I was suffering immense ongoing attacks.  I believe hitting all the first holidays without my son was THE major factor in it.  Honestly, it was debilitating.  I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

For awhile, I was taking some daily anxiety meds to help.  Eventually, I grew tired of feeling like a zombie.  So I stopped.  I started exercising more and it helped.  Then I turned to Yoga which helped even more.

I have been doing yoga for about three months now.  Until our vehicle situation (which is the source of some of my anxiety), I was being really good about going 4-5 times a week for yoga, plus another day or two for just exercise.  Lately, I have been lucky if I can go once a week. 

Then today came the anxiety attacks.

Tomorrow, thankfully, I can do yoga for sure.  My husband is off work.  Friday, I think if we do not have our vehicle back, I will take him to work so that I can make sure I can go again.  I think it helps me.  I'm certain it helps me. 

I hate it when I feel like I have today.  And to think, last year, I probably suffered like this for several months.  I'm not going to reach that point again. 

Joyous Grief?

How do you put the two together?  Joy and grief?  How? 

Grief often feels like it is swallowing me whole. 

I've talked about the physical feelings of it.  It often feels like I am drowning. 

I miss my son so much.

Yet....

He's not my only child.  I have four other children who do bring me joy. 

I smiled today as I watched the youngest run down the hall nearly naked because she needed to reach the bathroom.    Seeing her chubby little legs moving like that brings me joy. 

My eight year old son is still so young and sweet and innocent.  His voice still has that childish quality that makes me melt inside when he says I Love You.  He brings me joy when he snuggles next to me on the sofa.

Then there's the eleven-year old daughter who loves to be helpful.  And you can tell just how much she still needs her momma and daddy.  Her smile brings me joy.

Of course, there is sometimes discord between the thirteen year old son and myself, but I love him.  He is fun to sit and talk to as he grows up.  He still likes to snuggle in next to me on the couch.  He brings me joy.

But I am sad.  I have a hard time rectifying the two. 

I do put myself in the here and now most of the time.  Then I feel guilty because sometimes I push Nolan's image out of my head.  I am sad when I look at him.  I miss him, I want to look at him. 

It's not easy.

And it's not right.

A mother should not bury her child ever.  The child should bury the mother.  When they are both old!

Thirteen years was not enough time with my son.

Christmas Time Again

well, we made it through the second Halloween without you.  how do we do it?  how do we make it?  i'm not sure other than we have to.

This week will be Thanksgiving number two without you. 

And we begin the decorating for Christmas this week.  Christmas and your birthday, my favorite times of year.  It feels so bittersweet without you.  Is it wrong that I still love this time of year?  I'm sure it is because I have the other children to keep the excitement and joy going for me.  I am sure it will get harder the closer we get to Christmas.  Then after Christmas is even more tough because it leads to the day of your death, December 31, 2012. 

I hate those words "the day of your death."  They just sounds F...ed up. 

I miss you so much.