Sharing Too Much or Saying Too Much

I have been sharing too much lately. Sharing more of my sorrow than I really should.  Even sharing more of my opinions about other stuff.  I'm letting my exhaustion and bitterness rule my mouth (and fingers). 

Details of Your Last Day on Earth

You played airsoft guns with this neighborhood kid named Jacob that I disliked.  (not to be confused with the neighbor friend named Jake whom I do like.)

 I remember yelling at you that you knew I didn't want you playing with him, but you wanted to play airsoft. 

I grounded Liam that day for some reason from playing outside. 

I regret that because that's the last day on earth he and you could have played together like you had for the previous eleven years.

So instead you spent time with that other kid. 

 I felt like crap that day and actually took a really long nap which is unusual.  I NEVER EVER NAP!!!  Ella cooperated and slept with me.  I was in bed for probably four hours that afternoon.

I regret that.

Your last day on earth with me and I slept.  And when I woke, I was grumpy.

 For lunch we had taco bell and you were so grateful.

For dinner, we had leftover potato soup.  Although you often liked potato soup, this wasn't my best.  You weren't thrilled (no one was, not even me). 

You used the restroom around dinner time and it was a number two and was the most foul smelling number two ever.  I remember saying something to you about it.  I remember wondering if that was a sign something was wrong.  (after the fact)  Being that it was your heart, I doubt it, but who knows.

You told me to look at your teeth because they looked whiter.  I paid very little attention.  I hate that.

Your dad worked a long, long day.  He was barely home with you on your last day.  I am sure he regrets that too. 

Ella behaved horribly at mass that day.  Horribly.

We watched the Avengers. 

I was in the middle of reading Lord of the Rings for about the fifth time.  I haven't read it since. 

You prayed with your dad before going to bed. 

Ciara, Liam, and Logan all slept in the living room.

My house was a mess. 

I replay that day often.  My last day with you.  It was actually kind of a crummy day.  I didn't know.  How could I have known?  I often wonder what if you had collapsed that day when we were all awake. 

What if?

Life is Not Fair this Christmas

I love the holidays.  I still do.  Even after THIS.  I still love this time of year. 

But I'm sad.

Christmas music has always made me cry because of it's emotional sounds and words.  Now I can't make it through the first line of some songs without tears. 

Christmas shopping has always been a pleasure for me.  I love to splurge on my kids this time of year.  Even before having m own children, I looked forward to spoiling my nieces and nephew. 

Now, as I walk the aisle of my favorite stores it will hit me out of nowhere that I should be buying gifts for Nolan. 

Today has been a rough day with many bouts of crying and shouting at God. 

This will never, ever, ever seem fair. 

I'm Tired

Sometimes I just feel so tired.  

I'm tired of never being able to just wallow in my grief. 

I always have to be on duty for my kids. 

I can never just stay in bed all day even though I want to. 

I always have to take the kids places, nearly every day.  There's no time to just be sad. 

Don't get me wrong, I am always sad. 

I just never get to just BE. 

I'm grateful that I have my other children, please do not think otherwise.  I'm so grateful.  I know they are the only reason I am surviving.   I'm so thankful that they are here for me to take to activities one, two, three, and four. 

However, grief is exhausting. 

exhausting

sometimes I just want to call in sick, but I can't.  i'm a mom.