Jealousy is Ugly

yet another story being shared of a child who we are praying for who is getting better. 

it's not that I don't want that child to get better.

I do.

I just don't understand why we couldn't get a miracle.  I don't understand why we didn't even have a chance.  My son died in his sleep with no warning.  How the hell is that fair?

A Prayer

Please God, Sickness now frightens me.  And it's not a normal fear.  It's irrational, yet very rational because I know what the sickness can do.  But please, please, please.  I beg of you.  Let the sickness pass us by this year.  Help me to be better about keeping my kids away from germs.  Please.  And if we do have to get sick, please let it not kill us again. 
Please.

The Day my World Stopped

December 31, 2012, my world stopped.  Everyone else just kept going, some of them sad, but their world was still moving, going. 

It has been 16 months, I think.  Funny how time has become so confusing to me.  I think I'm calculating this nightmare correctly.  16 months since my beautiful son died.  16 months since my world changed forever. 

My world is still stopped. 

I now have two lives.  One before Nolan's death when life was good and normal and happy and filled with ordinary pain and suffering and stress and things.  And the second life is post 12/31/12.  Post-Nolan.  How is it I lived 30 years without him before his birth, but living without him the past 16 months is unbearable.  Post-Nolan life is confusing, vague, nightmarish, void, bitter, painful. 

This is the stuff that scares me

here's a link to info about myocarditis, what killed Nolan.  if you read the symptoms, they are so vague.  how many times have my kids had those very symptoms?  it sucks.  it really sucks that something like this exists!!!!

http://www.myocarditisfoundation.org/about-myocarditis/

ciara

I worry so much about their health.  I think she might have heartburn, but she doesn' tknow how to explain it to me. 

fear

I've voiced my fear many times on this blog.  Tonight the fear feels fresh. We have a tummy bug.  I fear for everyone, but mostly logan because he has been fighting a different bug for over a week now.  so his immune system is already weakened, his lungs are weak from his asthma, now he has the stomach virus.   but I am scared for all my kids.  I keep checking to see if they are breathing. 

myocarditis

what happened to Nolan is not as rare as it sounds and not as rare as it should be.  I recently joined a facebook group devoted to myocarditis.  it is so scary how often this happens.  sometimes people survive.  somehow they figure out something is wrong before it is too late.  but most of the stories I have read have been almost identical to Nolan's.  so many parents had no warning, just like me. 

I go to bed scared every night.  scared of my children, my spouse, myself dying... and now I see it's not so farfetched.  I met a woman on this group who had two children get myocarditis and one died and the other had a heart transplant....  TWO CHILDREN IN THE SAME FAMILY HAD IT!!!!    yes, i'm scared.  it makes me want to become like Monk from that tv show and make the kids crazy about washing their hands and germs....  I've always been so laid back about illness because I've always been told that it helps to develop immunity if they catch what is going around.... the ones who are sanitizing everything aren't building that immunity.  geesh.  I just dont' know if I can change to that person.  but I need to. 

Nolan's wasn't for sure viral.  but it was myocarditis.  and it can be various things.  but my dr did seem to think since we had been sick that it was probably viral.  it just hit him differently.  everyone I know was hit hard by bugs this year.... It was one of those years.... yet no one else had a child die because of it....

i'm scared.  and I don't know how I will ever rest easy again.