My Dad and my son

My dad is a wonderful grandfather. He loves each of his grandchildren dearly. I feel so blessed when I watch him with my children. He always had a special spot for Nolan. Oh, I am sure he has a special spot for each of the grandkids. But there was a special bond between him and my son. They would talk about coin collecting, play the piano together, talk about scouts, music, birds. It was beautiful.
When Nolan died, one of the hardest things I had to do was call my parents. How do you deliver such awful news over the phone? I opted to call my dad on his cell phone rather than my mom. I thought it would be "easier" for some reason. One of the many things from that horrific day that will forever be burned in my memory is telling my dad and hearing him scream "no!" then crying to my mom that Nolan was dead. Then she was screaming too. The agony in their voices was so immense.
My dad has always been a sort of poet. Every year he writes a Christmas poem in the family Christmas letter. He'll jot down other little rhymes here and there. After Nolan's death, he wrote a beautiful poem to honor Nolan. I'd like to share it with you. Not only will you read the love of grandfather for grandson, but you will also get a sense of who Nolan was.
Poem for Nolan
by Winston Johnson
When I see an eagle
In beautiful flight
A natural wonder
A natures delight,
I'll think of our Nolan
Who loved things so right.
And watching them soar,
With all of their might.
When I see a boy,
With a sly impish grin
And a trick deck of cards,
Or a tack or a pin,
I'll think of Nolan,
Who joked with his kin
And really, at times,
Was ornery as sin.
When I see a young man,
With a smile on his face.
Helping his mother,
With love and with grace.
I'll think of our Nolan,
With never one trace
Of bad in his heart -
Nor any disgrace.
When I hear a piano,
Swaying away.
To "Away in a Manger"
Asleep on the hay.
I'll think of our Nolan,
And our Christmas day -
The joy he would bring,
As he'd grin and he'd play.
When I'm on the prairie,
Out there alone -
No cars passing by,
No TV, No phone.
I'll think most of our Nolan.
In hills of Flint stone,
I'll bet he can hear me.
Out there in God's zone.
When I see a boy scout,
Show red, white, and blue
And make his folks proud
Of whatever he'll do,
I'll think of our Nolan
And how he just grew
To be a young man
So straight and so true.
Whenever I'm stuckin
The muck and the mire
And later I'm struggling
Right down to the wire.
I'll think of Nolan laughing
And I shall move higher
To a place warm as toast
Like a warm, cozy fire.
Photo Credit: My own
Poem Credit: with Permission, by my dad, Winston Johnson
+Grief +Grievingmother +Grieving-mother +Poetry

Those Days

Today is one of those days, a day where it is worse than usual.  Every day is bad when you lose your child.  Anyone who doesn't get that has either never had a child or something else.   I'm not saying every MOMENT is bad, but every day.  Every day is a day that you do not see your child, talk to your child, hear your child.  How could that be good?  Ever. 

Sadness today. 

I just feel rather blah anyway. 

Family Nights, Saturday Nights, Not the Same

As I have mentioned before, grief is exhausting.  I'm sure some of you know this for yourselves.  Those of you who don't, feel blessed.  I had no idea how tired I would be all the time from this hell. 

Today I was thinking perhaps we should play board games tonight as a family.  We haven't done that forever.  I don't think we have even done it since Nolan's death.  I am not sure.  I think one night we played charades briefly.  That's all I can remember. 

We didn't play board games as often as we should have before Nolan died, but at least we tried to sometimes.  We were supposed to that night actually because it was New Year's Eve.  That was the plan.  Junk food and board games.  Instead we had death and sorrow.

So today I thought about it.  I thought how much fun board games can be for the family.  I thought how we spend so much time at home just sitting in front of the tv or in our own rooms or on a video game or computer.  Then I felt tired.  And I remembered that it takes energy.  Especially with my three-year old around.  She takes a lot of energy.  And I'm just so tired. 

Therefore, I have a feeling we won't play board games tonight, even though it would be nice.

677 Days

Today has been 677 days without my precious Nolan.  I have such a hard time wrapping my head around that still.  Yes, I have accepted it.  I have no choice as it slaps me in the face each day.  I may have to live with it, but I still hate it with every fiber of my being. 

Here's a poem I wrote today as I thought about the last two years.
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9336739-677-days-a-poem

Worries for the PTSD Mother

 

I'm tired of worrying so much.  I have always been a worrier.  Before I even had children, I had a friend who called me "The Worrying Walrus" (because she had read a children's book titled that).  Add children to the mix and then, of course, I worry about them.  Add the death of my son to our lives, and worry has become an enormous weight. 

So many fears exist now, fears that, perhaps were there, but were miniscule. 

 

My twelve-year old (who turns thirteen next week) worries me.  First of all, I have this worry that I will lose all my children at age thirteen.  It's an unreasonable fear.  I have no valid reason to feel that way.  I'm just scared. 

 

However, my twelve-year old has been complaining of neck pains for almost a week now.  I seriously think it is probably just a pulled muscle.  He feels fine otherwise.  He even remembers when it started, specifically, like he pulled something.  However, it's just not getting any better.  Again, it is probably just a pulled muscle. 

 

But what if it isn't? 

 

I don't know what else it could be, but I'm still scared. 

 

I hate the fear that is in my life now.  I hate it.

I'm not writing as much about sorrow

It's not that I'm not feeling the sorrow.  I'm just not writing about it as much.  To those who see it on my blogs occasionally, they probably still think "wow, is that all she talks about?"  To me, sometimes I feel like I still have much to say.  Here's a few links to recent things I have written on my other blog.

http://www.bubblews.com/news/8913214-a-mother039s-anxiety
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8821103-praying-when-you-aren039t-sure-what-you-believe
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8631594-visiting-my-son039s-grave
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7835438-i-don039t-know-how-to-be-a-good-mother-anymore
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7823797-before-or-after
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7953982-the-overprotective-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8007979-yoga-tears-and-my-son
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8076169-playlist-for-the-grieving-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8287900-fifteen
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8240402-nolan039s-wish
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8350081-sentimental-for-the-old-days

This is my place to cry

This blog is where I vent, scream, cry, yell, whine, scream, cry, scream, cry....

I don't write my happy thoughts here. 

I write about how I see a picture of Nolan and I cannot believe that is all I have left.  I write about the ache I feel inside and how it isn't any better.

I have another place I write where I try to share happier thoughts.  This is where I show my sorrow.  I put on a "happy" face for the world and at times it is truly exhausting.  so I come here where I can take off the mask.  I take it off and I cry, scream, vent. 

Nolan's death is the most unbelievable, horrifying, cruel thing that could have ever happened. 

And I am still in a living hell because of it. 

unbearable thoughts

I hear story after story of mothers who have lost more than one child.   I fear that happening to me.  I go to bed every night fearful.   I am so scared, not only of losing another child, but of finding anyone else dead.  the thought of that terrifies me.  I don't know how to cope.  the fear is overwhelming. 

why did this have to happen to us?

I know I sound like a freaking broken record, but I just don't understand. 

why?

Unfairness and Reality

The unfairness of it all continues to rear its ugly head.  I think it will continue to do so for the rest of my life. 

grief is tiring. 

the reality of it is that grieving mothers do not get over it.  some may be excellent at putting on a fake face, but the reality is that we hurt inside.  and we always will

observations

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3691890-more-observations-of-a-grieving-mother

Life Goes On and it Sucks

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3515116-life-goes-on

Mothers' Day

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3337904-the-first-to-call-me-momma

it's a hard day

I just can't get it together

in my head, I can't help but compare the other kids to Nolan.  it's not fair.  this is making me a worse mom!!!!  I have had so many people tell me how what happened to Nolan has made them a better mom.  yet, me, the one who lost my son???? i'm a much worse mom now.  i'm angry and sad all the time.  I yell.  I disappear into myself.  this made me a worse mom.  how can there be a God when this stuff happens?  There is no reason for this.  there is no purpose to this.  i'm miserable.

Why God?

Why did YOU take my son?  Why?  It's not fair. 

I miss Nolan with all of my heart.  And I'll never hear his sweet voice again.

I just don't know if I will ever feel a trust in God again. 

Too Much Fear, so I Ignore it??

I have found myself ignoring things that should make me freak out, namely Ciara and liam saying their heart hurts. 

liam went through that after papa died.  then he went through it after Nolan died.  nothing was wrong.  but what if that changes?

Ciara worries.  she only mentions the heart feeling at bedtime.  so I chalk it up to worry.  but what if?

I worry too much, mentally, but I ignore stuff lately.  I feel like I am overwhelmed by life.  so I ignore. 

is this normal?  I don't know.  I feel like everything I do I do wrong. 

why did you have to die Nolan?  why???????????????

This is the stuff that scares me

here's a link to info about myocarditis, what killed Nolan.  if you read the symptoms, they are so vague.  how many times have my kids had those very symptoms?  it sucks.  it really sucks that something like this exists!!!!

http://www.myocarditisfoundation.org/about-myocarditis/

Twenty Years From Now...

I have thought often about how I won't get over losing Nolan.  I think some people don't get that.  I don't blame them or anything.  it is a hard thing to comprehend..... truly.  anyway... I wrote this little poemish thing as I thought about it. 

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2631241-in-twenty-years

nolan's videos

i was browsing through the photos and videos taken with his camera.  i was NOT surprised to see so many pictures of our pets and ella.  that's what he wanted to take pictures of.  he loved all of his pets.  he loved his baby sister.  anyway... i can't play all the videos on the laptop.  going to try to upload.

the basement

Nolan, I wish you were here to see what I have been doing in the basement.  I have been working so hard to make it a space we can actually use.  I have cleaned, decluttered, painted, bought too much stuff, hired someone to build a wall and do some electrical work. 

Today, I sat down there for a few minutes and all I could think of was  you.  I was thinking how you need to be here to enjoy it.  I was thinking how you would be begging for it to be your bedroom.  When you were here, we were falling all over each other in our small house.  We needed more space.  Then you were gone and our house felt empty. 

It still feels empty.... you aren't here.  there's an emptiness that is unbearable. 

Checking out and keeping things straight

at times, I feel like I have checked out.  I don't really feel like participating in life at times.  other times, I feel like I am overcompensating by filling myself with all kinds of projects and stuff.  distractions. 

i'm looking forward to grief therapy next week.  she wants me to bring Nolan's poetry and pictures.