Sometimes I Don't Want it to get Easier

 Sometimes I think it is wrong to feel ok.  Sometimes I think it is wrong to smile.

Saying it is better is like saying it is ok that Nolan is gone. 

 Getting used to it is like getting used to living without a heart, a brain, lungs, limbs, and more. 

 Life without my son is never going to be ok.  Never.  Yet I must live on.  I must keep on.

 When I see his beautiful smile, his face lit up, his zest for life in photos, it is a reminder of what is lost.

 I'm grateful for my photographs of him, but they just emphasize the horror of our loss.

 He should be here.  We should not be here without him.  He should be here.

 Yes, two years later and I am still a broken record.  I still have a broken heart. 

 Not all broken hearts mend. 

 The broken heart of a bereaved mother is broken forever. 

 So it shouldn't be better and it really can't be. 

He's Officially Older

Today is a day I have dreaded.  Today Liam is officially older than Nolan ever became.  Nolan died 9 days after his 13th birthday, somewhere in the early morning hours.  We don't know the time.  They never told us.  It could have been 12:30am.  It could have been 7:30am.  We don't know.  Would it help if I knew?

Anyway, today is nine days since Liam turned 13. 

He's already bigger than Nolan ever became.  He already has started puberty and I don't think Nolan had.  He was probably close, but he didn't have any body hair.  Liam is covered in hair and has already shaved his teeny mustache a couple times. 

Nolan is frozen in time as my sweet thirteen year old boy. 

He will never grow older.

He will never kiss a girl.

He will never marry.

He will never fall in love.

He will never become a father.

He will never go to a college party.

He will never learn to drive.

He will never go to high school.

He will never wave goodbye to me as he leaves for college.

He will never get a first job.

He will never hug me again.

I miss him so much.  None of this is fair. 

Post Traumatic Stress

I suffer from post-traumatic stress because of the death of my son.  I am certain that my children do as well.  I'm not sure about my husband.  He keeps his grief pretty close to his chest.  He also has a much stronger faith than I which seems to help him.

Finding my son dead without warning is an image that is embedded in my brain.  I still hear the screams of my other children.  I still hear my husband saying, "Nolan, don't be dead!" over and over and over.  It has faded a bit after nearly two years, but it's there.  It:  the memory that I never wanted.

Finding out that Nolan's heart simply stopped because of a condition called Myocarditis which was caused by some random every day virus makes raising my living children filled with this big question mark, this huge stress, this worry.

My twelve-year old often complains of chest pains.  He has been to the doctor, the er, a cardiologist many times since Nolan's death.  Everything appears healthy and normal.  Of course, Nolan's heart probably appeared healthy a month before his death as well.  How can I reconcile this?  How can I try to tell my living son that he has nothing to worry about?  I don't want to turn him into a hypochondriac. 

My eleven year old daughter didn't sleep much for the first year or so after Nolan's death.  At some point, she started asking me at night if her heart was ok.  She said it hurt, it felt funny.  We also took her to the specialist for evaluations.  She seems fine as well. 

My eight-year old doesn't seem to worry at this point.  My three-year old was young enough when it happened that I don't think she was phased by everything.  Oh, she misses Nolan, but she didn't understand what was happening when she saw her mother scream and fall to the snow-covered ground. 

Part of the worry I have gives me this horrible feeling of wishing my children would hurry and grow up and move out of the house.  I will always worry about them, always.  But I get so tired and exhausted from the sight of Liam putting his heart over his chest and Ciara asking if she's going to be ok.  I understand it.  And I love them so much.  And down deep, NO, I am not ready for them to grow up and move out.  It's just the stress on top of the grief. 

This myocarditis stuff isn't as rare as you would think.  I am currently a part of a group of people who have been affected by the condition.  This group has over 800 members.  There are many times this is misdiagnosed.   The numbers are much higher than that.  I hear story after story that is like mine where someone went to check on their loved one and he/she was simply dead in bed with no warning. 

It's not fair.  It's not right.

Unfairness and Reality

The unfairness of it all continues to rear its ugly head.  I think it will continue to do so for the rest of my life. 

grief is tiring. 

the reality of it is that grieving mothers do not get over it.  some may be excellent at putting on a fake face, but the reality is that we hurt inside.  and we always will

Life Goes On and it Sucks

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3515116-life-goes-on

My Dad and Nolan

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2528596-my-dad-and-my-son

14 Year olds Make Me Sad

14 year olds make me sad.  Whether they are friends of Nolan's or not, I see that someone is turning 14 and I am sad.  Hearing talk of kids starting high school makes me sad.  Nolan would be starting high school next year.  It makes me sad. 

everything takes such an effort now

cooking is so draining.  I hate going in my kitchen.  dishes, ugh, always piled high in my sink.  I hate them.  I never make dessert.  I usually buy ice cream or something already made.  i'm lazy.

budgeting hasn't happened since Nolan's death.  we have spent so much money without paying attention.  time to start meal planning again. 

paying bills.  who can remember?  oh yeah, they are about to shut it off.... oops.  I better pay.

even reading books.  I love to read.  I haven't read a book since before chirstmas.  me.... over two months, no book. 

showering.  shaving legs.  effort.  ugh.

remembering anything. 

getting out of bed. 

being nice sometimes.  dealing with drama.  caring. 

reading to my kids.  I never do that anymore.  that makes me feel like a bigger failure than any of the other stuff.

the basement

Nolan, I wish you were here to see what I have been doing in the basement.  I have been working so hard to make it a space we can actually use.  I have cleaned, decluttered, painted, bought too much stuff, hired someone to build a wall and do some electrical work. 

Today, I sat down there for a few minutes and all I could think of was  you.  I was thinking how you need to be here to enjoy it.  I was thinking how you would be begging for it to be your bedroom.  When you were here, we were falling all over each other in our small house.  We needed more space.  Then you were gone and our house felt empty. 

It still feels empty.... you aren't here.  there's an emptiness that is unbearable. 

regrets

http://www.bubblews.com/news/863701-regrets

I miss your face.....

I miss you son. 

I miss your silliness.

I miss your beautiful face. 

guilt

Grieving parents feel guilt.  I have read numerous writings by parents who have lost a child and every single parent feels guilt.   Sometimes there is a valid reason for some guilt, but mostly there's just the feeling that we should have done something different poor noticed something that was hard to notice....

I feel guilt.  Patrick feels guilt.

The other night I was watching tv with the kids and these thoughts settled into my head....I thought "perhaps if I had hugged Nolan more tightly before he went to bed, I should have noticed his heart was beating funny. Then I could have taken him to the hospital and we wouldn't be living this nightmare."

I have lots of other feelings of things I did wrong that day, but that was a new one...

I know that there's probably no way I would have noticed his heart was beating funny, but what if???

Guilt

taco bell

We ate taco bell for lunch today.  It was the first time since the day before Nolan's death.... on Dec 30, we went to church.  We were minus daddy, but plus a friend of ciara s.  We drove her home after mass.  Nolan sat in the front seat, next to me.  The kids were thrilled with my announcement of lunch at taco bell.  Daddy hates taco bell, so we don't have it too often.  Nolan had two bean burritos, his favorite.

Today, we went through the busy drive through and all I could think of was the last time we were there... how 24 hours later my world had come crashing down....  taco bell.... forever I will think of it as part of my last day on earth with my precious son.

everything is so different...edit

And obviously, worse....but that's not my point so much this time....I'm just thinking how this entire 2013, the worst year of my life, I'm scatterbrained and forget everything and yet I've barely used my calendar....I've flown by the seat of my pants as I've lived this nightmare, I've been late for things, I've missed things, and I really don't care....  I've learned that so much of everything we do, we think about, it is all pointless....

Pointless, a random thought that had crossed my mind so much since Nolan died...I was so over protective of him when he was little, I've taken him to do many Dr appointments, I've tried to keep him healthy and safe....Pointless...a random virus snuck in my home and killed him.... Pointless... keeping my kids safe, for what?


Friendships: different...I think most friends don't get how anything I do exhausts me and that I may think of them but probably won't call them or email them....I really need them to make the effort because I'm just not able to...  I'm l onely, but I don't really care anymore.
I mean,I don't like to be lonely, I don't,  but I just don't have the energy to care.   I have friends who I know care about me, but they just don't reach out to me...maybe they don't know what to say

I've always feared death...death of myself and death of my loved ones.  I still am scared of dying, but sometimes I think, well the pain will end....that's definitely different...

Our home is different, worse, we watch so much tv now.  Pure quality time seems rare.  Patrick and I are both mentally as well as physically exhausted.   We really need to change that.  We've fallen into such a rut.  I need mindless distractions.

And I'm not reading....anyone who knows me knows how unusual that is...oh I've been reading some, but not my every night thing.

Sadness..  our home is just not the same it never will be

food

food makes me sad....

i used to cook 32 ounce package of spagetti every friday night & have to make sure everyone  had enough.  nolan would be going back for 3rds and 4ths and then IF there was any leftover, IF, he would be snacking on it later that night or the next day for breakfast... There was never too much pasta.  every week lately, i have had to throw away leftovers.  this week, i made 24 ounces instead of my usual 32.  still threw away a lot.  i guess Nolan was really the only one who would eat it so much the next day...

i made fish tacos last night, one of our family favorites.  granted, i didn't bread the fish, and that is everyone's favorite way, but still, they all love fish tacos, period.  not only did we have enough leftovers for lunch, we ate lunch and STILL have some leftover.  i miss my growing 13 year old boy who would be upset when we were out of fish because he wanted more. 

the other night we had dinner a some friends' house.  I made some bruschetta and roasted some goat cheese with fresh tomatoes & basil.  Nolan would have been thrilled.  He loves goat cheese.  He's always been the only one to love goat cheese of my kids, though Ciara and Logan were snacking on it at the Harrison's house.  Nolan also was my only feta cheese eater.... I was sad when I bought the goat cheese on Saturday. 

nolan, the one who didn't want jelly on his peanut butter sandwiches... i make them almost every friday for co-op lunch.  i'm sad when i don't have to remember to make one without jelly. 

Nolan would snack on saltines and peanut butter, i don't see anyone else doing that lately.  He'd eat a couple hard-boiled eggs as a snack or breakfast.... I haven't even been making hard-boiled eggs lately. 

Everything is so different.  My entire life has been altered.  Even the mundane like grocery shopping and cooking... Doing dishes.  I picture Nolan in the kitchen doing dishes.  he hated it.  But he did it. 

such a beautiful happy boy

his smile was contagious... i would rather say "is" because i hope he is smiling that same beautiful smile in heaven...  but here, on earth, for us, it was contagious... he could be so silly, then serious and thoughtful, then sad, then friendly... all boy... from the love of the outdoors to the enjoyment of sports to the silly boy humor... all boy.  my boy.  my Nolan. 

found a poem today

found a letter tonight, in the process of getting ruined thanks to a spill in the basement, Nolan wrote it to us while he was at scout camp in the summer of 2011. He wrote a little poem in the letter that seriously could have been written today, part of was unreadable, but I think I got most it. here it is:
I miss home and you
In the days that have gone
Many things here are new
As things are to a faun
I've been here so long
But home does not fade
I remember you guys
As I sit in the shade
I know that I will see you soon
And by and by
And I can't believe I'm lucky enough to tell you
I love you and goodbye.

dear Nolan

dear son, oh how i miss you, my boy....my sweet first born....

i miss your laugh.
i miss your smile.
i miss watching you draw.
i miss your creativity.
i miss your silliness.
i miss your helpfulness.
i miss hearing you talk about your animals.
i miss your voice.
i miss watching you push Ella in the swing or the stroller.
i miss you always doing a good job on your chores.
i miss your friendliness.
i miss watching you climb trees so tall that i was always so nervous to watch.
i miss reading your stories and poetry.
i miss your kisses.
i miss you doing the i love you sign when I'd drop you off at soccer or scouts.
i miss your positive attitude.
i miss your bedtime prayers.
i miss your love of the outdoors.
i miss you wanting to build fires in the fire pit.
i miss you building forts in the backyard.
i miss you always trying to do what was right.
i miss when you would get a mischievous grin.
i miss that sometimes you were the only one who could make Ella happy.
i miss watching you play soccer, soccer season is going to be so hard.
i miss your hugs.
i miss your love of pasta....we always have too much left over now.
i miss you deciding that it is "mom and dad day" out of nowhere and then conspiring with your siblings to surprise us with something.
i miss your love and knowledge of birds.
i miss reading to you.
i miss you reading to Ella.
i miss you taking Logan for walks in the neighborhood,especially to visit Larry.
i miss your long hair.
i miss your short hair.
i miss you wanting to cook eggs or ramen noodles to help with lunch.
i miss the loud,silly laughter when you and Liam had fun together.
i miss the epic wrestling matches.
i miss playing chess or apples to apples with you.
i miss your talks about co-op.
i miss giving you breathing treatments for your asthma.
i miss your love of scouts.
i miss your enthusiasm over rango.
i miss listening to you play the piano.
i miss the phase when you were drawing with your feet.
i miss how grown up you were getting.
i miss watching the last ten minutes of your gym class, you were always having such fun.
i miss your kind spirit.
i miss watching you sword fight with Liam or Logan or your friends.
i miss you playing your bongos.
i miss watching you dance.
i miss your enthusiasm when we would sing for school.
i miss your goodness.
i miss how well you would treat little kids parks,pools,wherever...

i miss everything about you.  if i were to sit here for the next eight hours,I'd still be writing things i miss about you.  i miss you from the deepest depths of my soul Nolan.

busy

we have had a busy couple of days....Nolan floats in and out of my thoughts when I'm so busy.  Friday i spent most of the day fighting tears. i was at co-op and that makes me cry pretty much every week, some weeks are worse, this was worse...

then Saturday rolled around and i was so busy and distracted that i think i only teared up twice.

every day is just different.  i feel the immense heartache and pain constantly, but some days i am busy with things that actually allow me to enjoy life.   it is often up and down like a roller coaster because enjoying myself one day results in overwhelming feelings of guilt and anger and sadness the next....

Nolan should have been there yesterday.... i have been robbed

Faith is not-so-good now

how do you reconcile so much pain, so much unnecessary heartbreak, so much lost with a loving God?

 my faith is shaken, thrown in a blender on high no lid on it shaken... I'll be honest, leading up to this horrific day, my faith was already shaky. so much didn't make sense to me before Nolan died, yes BEFORE!  now what.  do you think this has made me stronger in my faith?

first and foremost, my son was stolen from me in the middle of the night or early in the morning with no FREAKING warning.  none!!!!!  he's 13!!!!!! how the hell can that make sense????????  the pain is unbearable.

and the unnecessary fear it has caused my other children, especially ciara, though I'm sure they are all scared,  how can that serve a purpose????  how can a nine year old girl fear falling asleep every single night be right?   how can all the tummy ache she is having be part of a plan?

now my faith in people is another story altogether.  the amazing love of these people, some people I have never met is just something else.  people are truly good.

I would like to have faith again....