The Complexity of Grief

This was originally written on Bubblews by me on October 2014

Looking at photographs of you will make me cry
Looking at photographs of you can make me smile
Videos of you usually bring tears
I have anger at all times: sometimes simmering beneath the surface, other times exploding , often misdirected
I pray for a sign, yet I'm no longer sure if I have faith
I don't talk to you as much as I should, but I miss you more than is imaginable
Sometimes I push your memories away from me instead of immersing myself in them
The pain still feels physical after all of this time
As it nears two years without you, I continue to wonder how it can be true. I will even occasionally pinch or slap myself to try to wake from this nightmare
Losing my thirteen year old son unexpectedly in his sleep because his heart simply stopped is not something that I can just get over.

Tears at a Wedding

my husband and I attended a wedding tonight.  (I suppose since it is 4am, I should say yesterday)

he's not much of a dancer, but he likes to dance to slow songs. 

the live band performed "I Will Always Love You,"  to which we danced.

as we were dancing slowly, all I could think of was Nolan.  initially, I was imagining me saying the words to him.  Then I realized it was more appropriate to think of him saying them to me because the singer is the one to leave. 

and he left

he left me without a warning

not by choice, of course

but he left me.

the lyrics say something like "well I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this, I wish you love." 

yes, it's a love song, but isn't the love between parent and child unlike any other?

Sadness

I look at your pictures, so full of life, and I cannot believe this is real.  it's been 18 months.  some people might say "get on with your life!"  and they do not know.  they cannot understand unless they have lost a child. I will never simply get on with my life again.  my life as I knew it is over.  this is a new worse life.  that's the fact jack.  it's worse.  I hate that.  I hate it for my other children.  but I can't help it

I still look at these photos of my sweet Nolan and sometimes I think it has to be a nightmare.  how can this be true?  how can something so horrible be true?

 I worry about my other children.  I see how I try to distract myself from the pain and I worry about them doing the same as they grow older.  I hpe that as children they are not effected the same way as me.

Mothers' Day

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3337904-the-first-to-call-me-momma

it's a hard day

I don't even know what to do

I think Ciara is feeling anxiety which is leading her to feel pressure in her chest.  Add that to asthma and allergies and cold/flu season, I don't think I have anything to worry about.

What if I am wrong?

I had a whole post in my head that I was going to write about and my thoughts have fled.  now i'm consumed with worry for Ciara. 

shit.  why does this have to be so hard?

The Carefree Past

I was looking through my old photos on Facebook this evening.  I was struck by the days when my profile picture was of either just me or me and one of the other kids or the other kids or just one of the other kids.  Rarely now will I have a profile pic that does not include my sweet Nolan.  I feel like he needs to be seen by people.  I don't want people to forget him..... He's such a part of me.  I don't know.  just looking at those pictures reminded me of the past.  back, way way way back when I was carefree.  of even just back, shortly before Nolan's death, when I had the normal worries in adult life of how to pay bills, school for the kids, etc.  I wish I could go back.

Checking out and keeping things straight

at times, I feel like I have checked out.  I don't really feel like participating in life at times.  other times, I feel like I am overcompensating by filling myself with all kinds of projects and stuff.  distractions. 

i'm looking forward to grief therapy next week.  she wants me to bring Nolan's poetry and pictures. 

missing you

you loved to build a fire

guilt

Grieving parents feel guilt.  I have read numerous writings by parents who have lost a child and every single parent feels guilt.   Sometimes there is a valid reason for some guilt, but mostly there's just the feeling that we should have done something different poor noticed something that was hard to notice....

I feel guilt.  Patrick feels guilt.

The other night I was watching tv with the kids and these thoughts settled into my head....I thought "perhaps if I had hugged Nolan more tightly before he went to bed, I should have noticed his heart was beating funny. Then I could have taken him to the hospital and we wouldn't be living this nightmare."

I have lots of other feelings of things I did wrong that day, but that was a new one...

I know that there's probably no way I would have noticed his heart was beating funny, but what if???

Guilt

it feels like our family is in a tailspin

It used to feel like that sometimes, just with the chaos that goes with a family of seven.  Life would get crazy.  But the crazy would be mixed up with happiness and love.  Happiness.  Now it just feels like nothing is the way it should be.   So much bickering, too much tv, nothing like it was.  I feel like I'm failing as a mom to keep my family afloat.  Oh I mean, I'm doin what I must, running the kids here and there and everywhere, I'm buying them stuff, I'm keeping us busy, keeping us fed.  But I'm lacking spirit and I'm sure it shows... I try to be happy.

Nolan was so good at getting us to do things as a family.... play a game, go to the park...
I feel so lost without him.

Today, Logan said that I'm always looking at my kindle...what a great way for him to think of me... I suck

a horror

I can't wrap my mind around the horror of this...Nolan went to bed thinking he had his whole life ahead of him.  Maybe thinking about playing air soft guns again the next day, maybe thinking about the avengers, maybe thinking of a girl....he had no reason to think his life was over.... that's the horror of it.  His life is over.

i found it!!!!

My Nolan journal!!!!!!!! I felt certain it was gone for good.... I found it.  A piece of Nolan.  I can't really say I'm happy, but I'm happy I found it.

so many things that will never happen

so my dear sweet husband kind of messed up on my 40th birthday (don't think he even realizes it)... but you know, it was the big 4-0 and i wanted something special... either an a) surprise party or b) a surprise vacation... he got me knives.  yes, i had wanted some nice knives.  so in that respect, he did fine.  but that was more of a 39th bday gift of a 41st.  so... i had thought to myself, i am going to make myself clear that iw ant something special for my 50th.  something big like an a) surprise party or b) a surprise vacation... now that nolan is gone, i honestly don't care.  granted.  that is 7 years from now.  but for one thing, my birthday is nolan's birthday.  that will always take precendence over my day.  so a big 50th bday for me?  or a memorial for nolan who should be turning 20 on that day.... see?  no fiftieth bday for me.

another thing i had really, really hoped to do.... i wanted to redo our marriage vows maybe at 20th anniversary... and i wanted it special.  a party.  all of our friends and family.  our kids up there with us.  our kids.  up there.  as we redo our vows.  and now???? how could i do that and think that it felt right???? a party with our whole family WITHOUT NOLAN?????  how can that happen? 

those are both selfish things... things for ME that i have dreamed of.....  of course, there are all the many, many things that i think of about nolan... things that won't happen.

there's a girl we know through our catholic homeschool group.  for some reason, i just had this thought of "he's going to marry her".... and now???  anytime I see her, when i see her post things of fb, when i hear from her mom about things... right now, not a big deal... but when she actually does get married????? i'm going to be crushed.  

Nolan will never marry. 

Nolan will never have a first kiss.

Nolan will never graduate from high school or college.

Nolan will never get a first job.

Nolan will never drive a car (though he did often sit on daddy's lap & help drive). 

Nolan will never go to Europe (hell, at this rate, neither will I)

Nolan will never be a father. 

It's all so heartbreaking... I can't stand it. 

food

food makes me sad....

i used to cook 32 ounce package of spagetti every friday night & have to make sure everyone  had enough.  nolan would be going back for 3rds and 4ths and then IF there was any leftover, IF, he would be snacking on it later that night or the next day for breakfast... There was never too much pasta.  every week lately, i have had to throw away leftovers.  this week, i made 24 ounces instead of my usual 32.  still threw away a lot.  i guess Nolan was really the only one who would eat it so much the next day...

i made fish tacos last night, one of our family favorites.  granted, i didn't bread the fish, and that is everyone's favorite way, but still, they all love fish tacos, period.  not only did we have enough leftovers for lunch, we ate lunch and STILL have some leftover.  i miss my growing 13 year old boy who would be upset when we were out of fish because he wanted more. 

the other night we had dinner a some friends' house.  I made some bruschetta and roasted some goat cheese with fresh tomatoes & basil.  Nolan would have been thrilled.  He loves goat cheese.  He's always been the only one to love goat cheese of my kids, though Ciara and Logan were snacking on it at the Harrison's house.  Nolan also was my only feta cheese eater.... I was sad when I bought the goat cheese on Saturday. 

nolan, the one who didn't want jelly on his peanut butter sandwiches... i make them almost every friday for co-op lunch.  i'm sad when i don't have to remember to make one without jelly. 

Nolan would snack on saltines and peanut butter, i don't see anyone else doing that lately.  He'd eat a couple hard-boiled eggs as a snack or breakfast.... I haven't even been making hard-boiled eggs lately. 

Everything is so different.  My entire life has been altered.  Even the mundane like grocery shopping and cooking... Doing dishes.  I picture Nolan in the kitchen doing dishes.  he hated it.  But he did it. 

Faith is not-so-good now

how do you reconcile so much pain, so much unnecessary heartbreak, so much lost with a loving God?

 my faith is shaken, thrown in a blender on high no lid on it shaken... I'll be honest, leading up to this horrific day, my faith was already shaky. so much didn't make sense to me before Nolan died, yes BEFORE!  now what.  do you think this has made me stronger in my faith?

first and foremost, my son was stolen from me in the middle of the night or early in the morning with no FREAKING warning.  none!!!!!  he's 13!!!!!! how the hell can that make sense????????  the pain is unbearable.

and the unnecessary fear it has caused my other children, especially ciara, though I'm sure they are all scared,  how can that serve a purpose????  how can a nine year old girl fear falling asleep every single night be right?   how can all the tummy ache she is having be part of a plan?

now my faith in people is another story altogether.  the amazing love of these people, some people I have never met is just something else.  people are truly good.

I would like to have faith again....

I miss Nolan

from the deepest part of my soul,I miss my son.

when I  awake in the morning s, he should be sitting on the couch because nine times out of ten, he beat me out of bed.  when I'm working on the house after lunch, he should be coming in the kitchen to tell me how nice it is outside and try to. convince me to stop what I'm doing and go out. when I'm trying to get everyone ready for bed, I should hear him having one of his great bedtime talks with daddy.  when I can't decide what to make for dinner, I should hear his mischievous voice say "noodles and company"  as he tried to use my weak spot to convince me were should eat out. when we are running late, I should hear him grumbling because he hates to be late.  when I get ready for bed, I should get to kiss my beautiful son goodnight and hear his sweet voice tell me he loves me.

none of this is right.  I miss Nolan so much

the good, the bad, yeah, mostly the bad.... sorry

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I don't want to inundate my friends on Facebook with my grief, my sorrow, my pain.  I have always kind of lived out loud on fb from sharing my children's exploits to my adventures in the kitchen to my passion for lord of the rings.... my statuses have ranged from mundane (guess what I had for dinner) to exciting (it's a girl#!)...  the death of Nolan hasn't been something I have talked about in my little status updates each day on fb.  oh I have a couple times briefly... of course, but not only is it just too much sorrow to share like that, but I really don't want everyone to feel sad....I know I'm going to have that effect now on people.  when they see me, for a long time, they will feel sad.  sometimes, random crazy bereaved mom thought, when I'm in a public place and I feel the heaviness in my heart and behind my eyes, I want to walk up to strangers and say, my son just died....he was 13 and we still don't know what happened.... but I don't.... I watch the strangers going on with their lives....I scan their faces to see if I see any signs of sorrow.   if I see an elderly person, I especially look at them....they have had more time to experience something tragic. wonder why I want strangers to know my sadness....

perhaps it is my anger at the world for going on....how dare these people lead a normal life when my precious son was taken from me.  or maybe it is simply that I am consumed by sorrow.  consumed.this anguish taints the entire world now.


so writing here, living out loud, I can say a little more about my thoughts and feelings than I can on fb.  and if someone wants to read it, it is here.... but no one has to

it's that time of night

I thought perhaps I'd sleep better tonight.  we are in a hotel room, all in the same room.  I was wrong. I did doze for a few minutes near midnight'...but yeah, that didn't count.  I'm listening to every of sound my kids make.  I'm reliving the worst day of my life, Dec 31,2012',  in my mind. the night is so dark and it seems to be best ignored by reading  pinterest, Facebook, playing words with friends, checking email..all until I can no longer keep my eyes open.
we were given the gift of three nights at a hotel with water slides, pools, etc, by my husband's siblings and mother this weekend.  the kids are loving it.I'm mildly distracted for a bit, then in tears...it is really for the kids though and I'm happy that can enjoy themselves.  Liam seems sad.  I know he misses Nolan.

while we are out of our house, the homeschool community is cleaning and fixing at our house.I'm embarrassed at the sight of my house.  I'm scared of them doing too much.  I don't want the memories of Nolan to be wiped away by accident...I'm grateful for the love and kindness they are showing our family. I'd trade all of it if I could have Nolan back. I'd trade my life for his.  I'd spend my life in solitary confinement if I knew he was living out here with the rest of the family. I would be a friendless, lonely soul if I could have Nolan back.

one a.m.

here I am.  thing is I was so tired that my eyes were drooping by eleven.  I was asleep by midnight.  then my daughter keeps talking and finally woke me up.  how can God have planned this nightmare?  what good is coming from a nine year old girl who is scared, can't sleep, and is falling back into some obsessive compulsive things again.

in the spring, my daughter started these obsessive behaviors like thinking she had put something in her mouth when she hadn't and worrying about it over and over.  it was interfering with school, she couldn't get through half her subjects in one day.  then, thankfully, it seemed to stop.  it is back now and possibly worse.  how can that be a good thing?  I feel like it is driving her and I both nuts.

how can me getting no sleep be good...or Patrick?  the other day I was driving out of my driveway and almost hit someone walking their dog.  I'm a very safe driver normally.  so I'm thinking this exhaustion played a role in that near miss.  Patrick drives a distance to work daily.  is it good for him to be operating on little to no sleep?

I'm so exhausted and haven't even been giving my precious children the attention they need.  shouldn't I have learned the precious time we have is brief and therefore I should be spending the best time with my four remaining on earth kids???? you would think.  but I'm tired and exhausted and doing nothing.  every single thing takes such an enormous amount of energy.

were there symptoms and we missed it?

I will always question some of my choices that I made concerning Nolan...  I think twice he told me he had a pain or just feeling in his chest.  not super recently, but within a few months.  both times I asked him to do his inhaler and asked if it felt like asthma.he did not continue to complain.  so I chalked it up to nothing.  my kids always have been slightly paranoid about every physical symptom.  so as a mom,I have tried to make them fear not.  because most of the time it is nothing....I now wonder if I had taken him to the Dr, if he would still be here.  did his chest still hurt and he just didn't tell me?  did he think . that he didn't want to bother me?

also, my memory stinks, but I think the night before we lost my precious boy, he told me something was bugging him when I said it was time to do dishes..... I cannot remember what now.  why can't I remember????   sometimes the kids do that though when it is time for a chore.  so I said "it is a good thing there aren't a lot of dishes then."  the thing is, he didn't complain the rest of the night.  he watched a movie, said prayers with daddy, ate a bunch of food..... I think he would have mentioned it if something was still bugging him. and he did act fine all evening.  what if though???
what an absolute epic failure I am if those three times had to do with this horribly wrong mysterious death???????????     and why can't I remember his exact words from that night???

see Liam has also complained of chest stuff here and there....but always briefly.  and we always thought it was nothing because it stopped quickly.  since this hell started, we had Liam have a huge cardiac checkup... everything looked fine, but we still have more checking to do.  one night his chest hurt and I made Patrick take him to er.  he was fine.  they said it was his chest muscles, not his heart.. how do you know though?  now I feel like I must take my kids for every little symptom.
when Nolan had a big mole on his shoulder a couple years ago, he was convinced he had skin cancer and was so scared. he was so paranoid for awhile about any Sun touching his shoulder.  we really had to work to make him not be scared.  he had the mole removed, it was fine.  but he was a little hypochondriac-ish.  so you see, for mental health, I always tried to make my kids NOT worry when they had a headache, tummy ache, chest ache....  I thought I was being a good mom.

I should say that I am a hypochondriac of sorts.  and when the kids would complain of symptoms, I would worry.... but I'd tell myself to chill out...the kids were healthy, nothing to worry about. I'm saying this all in past tense...I still worry, even more so now.  I have always worried about health stuff in me and my kids... yet here we are.

the kids will tell me every time something"feels funny"..... like a strange ache in the shoulder, a tummy ache, sore finger....  what if some THING that felt funny with Nolan was IT.....the cause of this anguish.  what if my attempts to stop my kids from being hypochondriac s were the cause if missing something important????? what if Nolan just didn't want to bother me?  what have I done wrong to make him think he is a bother????   I'm always distracted, busy, tired, grumpy.....  what if he just did not want to bother me....  I feel so responsible for his death.  I feel like i should have known.  I feel like I missed something.  I'm his mom.  it is my job to keep him safe.  I failed