middle of the night

i'm up in the middle of the night because logan is having a breathing treatment.  i'm laying here worrying about Ciara.  she has said a couple times recently that her heart hurts.  I ask her what she means.  she can't explain.  however, it usually is just at bedtime and after she starts thinking about it.  so I really thought it was nothing.  but today, she said it while she was watching tv. 

I think I should take her to the doctor.  can you imagine how horrible I would feel if the same thing happened to her as Nolan?  chances are it is nothing.  but I should take her.  which reminds me that I also need to schedule follow up appointments for her and liam with the cardiologist.

remember they went last spring and wore heart monitors and had tests and everything was fine. 

she does have a cough which can make your chest hurt.  but it's not that bad of a cough.  and it's not while she is coughing.  crap.  why does this have to be so scary?

 

i found it!!!!

My Nolan journal!!!!!!!! I felt certain it was gone for good.... I found it.  A piece of Nolan.  I can't really say I'm happy, but I'm happy I found it.

am i ever going to sleep easy?

every single morning i wake up scared... scared to check on my children... scared that one of them will be dead.  it's a horrifying way to live, really.  is that every going to fade?  i just don't see how it will... i honestly think that will be how i wake up every morning for the rest of my life... every night i go to sleep thinking of the same thing, but i also go to sleep worrying that i may be the one to die and then they would find me and be further traumatised.  what a terrible way to fall asleep each night.  i know many of you out there would just say that i need to pray, and yes, i know i do.  but that is just hard right now.  I tell my daughter not to worry so much... I know I am worried too.  Even more than she is because I understand genetics.