Genetic Tests

Here's my post about today's doctor appointment
http://www.bubblews.com/news/6699617-genetic-testing-results

am i ever going to sleep easy?

every single morning i wake up scared... scared to check on my children... scared that one of them will be dead.  it's a horrifying way to live, really.  is that every going to fade?  i just don't see how it will... i honestly think that will be how i wake up every morning for the rest of my life... every night i go to sleep thinking of the same thing, but i also go to sleep worrying that i may be the one to die and then they would find me and be further traumatised.  what a terrible way to fall asleep each night.  i know many of you out there would just say that i need to pray, and yes, i know i do.  but that is just hard right now.  I tell my daughter not to worry so much... I know I am worried too.  Even more than she is because I understand genetics. 

autopsy results and more

today, ciara asked "what if we have the same thing as nolan?" or "what if it's contagious what nolan had and we get it?".... she doesn't even know about genetics.  she doesn't even know that i am so fearful of this exact thing (not the contagious part)....

today, we received verbal autopsy results... patrick has been calling every monday.  it has been 10 weeks.  70 days.  70 days.... how can that be?  seventy days since we lost our son.  seventy days, well 71, since i hugged him.  since i heard his voice say "i love you mom"....

autopsy results:  the results said "natural causes".... yes, you heard me right... natural causes... a 13 year old boy died in his sleep, after going to bed seemingly fine, from NATURAL CAUSES....   what absolute utter crap..... yes, crap.  or shit.  or f....d up messy shit.  yeah, this makes me cuss.  yes it does.   and i hate cussing.  i hate the F word. 

so... what is next?  we will do genetic testing on nolan.... that will cost us around $3000.... and it is not even an all-inclusive thing... it will test for various heart genetic stuff.   there are other genetic things too..... but it gets expensive.  we can't afford more than the $3000 for this heart stuff.  then after testing nolan's dna, if it tests positive, then i guess we test the 4 other kids.  but nolan's test will take around 6 months.  what if someone else dies in 6 months?????

nolan's autopsy results were never going to bring him back.  they were never going to make me feel "good".... but now, knowing that his heart JUST STOPPED.... well, i am scared as hell for my other children.... any single morning i may wake up to another dead child.  or one day, liam could be playing soccer and he could drop dead on the field.  or i could die.  and my poor children could wake up to find me dead.  then how would they handle life?  i am already scared for them.  dealing with this loss of nolan... dealing with this crazy feeling. 

i think how their world has been turned upside down.  i think how you try to make your children feel happy and secure in life.  i think how you try to create a safe world for them.  i think how you tell them when they are scared to go to bed in their room at night, scared of shutting out the lights, that nothing can hurt them.  that mom and dad are right in the other room and that they are safe....

yet..... they woke up on december 31, 2012 and their 13 year old brother was dead. 

how do they reconcile that?  how????? i honestly don't know how they can ever have faith again.  how?  

ciara (before the loss of nolan)  "mom i am scared"
me (before the loss of nolan)  "we are right in the other room, nothing can happen"

nothing can happen.... 

your 13 year old brother can go to bed after praying the rosary with your dad, then watching doctor who/ and monk with us, kiss his mom goodnight... say i love you.... and die. 

what am i suppose to tell you?  what??????

so now we wait for children's mercy.... we wait and pray.  and wonder if we are going to lose other members of our family.  we wonder how to move forward when we are grieving AND we are scared.  it's not fair.  the worst part is the grief.  i will never get over losing nolan.  ever.  but i have to fear on top of it.  i have tyo be scared as hell.  i'm so scared. 

is it any wonder i want wine every night?