Christmas Eve

Two years ago, I had five living children in a house too small for their growing bodies.  There was rowdy wrestling, loud boys laughing, happiness. 

Christmas Eve was a lovely evening at mass then home to get ready for bed for what would be our final Christmas as a complete family.  We had no idea. 

How could we have known?

Another Post Titled Thirteen....

Shortly after the loss of my precious son, I wrote a post on here titled Thirteen. 
http://thesorrowful.blogspot.com/2013/02/thirteen.html

It seems impossible that I wrote that nearly two years ago.  How can it be two years since I lost him?   Two years since I kissed him goodnight and watched him walk down the hallway.  The last time to watch him walk down the hallway.

Tonight I wrote a post on my other website about my twelve-year old turning thirteen next week. 
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9325821-thirteen-isn039t-going-to-be-easy-on-me

And I thought how tough THIRTEEN is for me now. 

And I wonder if it is going through Liam's mind that Nolan died right after he turned 13.  Liam is already a worrier.  Is he worried?  Is he scared?

Why do we have to suffer this nightmare?  I still do not understand.  I don't have the faith to understand. 

Warped Thoughts that I Might Think, but Will Never Speak

As I woke the children to start our school day this morning, I walked by the bedroom in which my husband was sleeping (we seem to play musical beds in our house, so today he was sleeping alone in one of the children's rooms.).  As I saw his still body, my brain said to myself "He's probably not dead." 

Seriously. 

Who says crap like that?

Oh yeah, me.  The one who has to face every morning with the fear that I might just find another child dead in his/her bed.  Normally, my husband is awake before I am.  Thus, I am normally not faced with that thought of "is he breathing?"  Today, however, he slept a littler later than I. 

It's really a sucky thing to have to think about each and every day.  There is this fear that is just THERE.  Some mornings it is worse than others.  I think today was worse because I went to bed worrying about my twelve-year old. 

I've also thought things like:  would Nolan still be alive if I had ran away a few years earlier?  (btw, my husband and I had just hit a rough patch like all couples do, it never actually neared divorce... just some less than perfect days of marriage).  But I do wonder if I had changed MY path, that would have changed Nolan's.... and he would have not been anywhere near that HORRIBLE virus that attacked his heart.  So it stands to reason that he would be alive.

What if we had moved?  In 2010, my husband was offered a job in New Mexico.  I had NO desire to move there (neither did hubby).  However, had we moved there, Nolan wouldn't have been near the same germs.  So we would be living in New Mexico as a complete family.  Nolan would be alive if Patrick had taken that job.

I've had other messed up thoughts, but I'm too tired to share them right now. 

Grief is exhausting.

Photo credit:  my own

Genetic Tests

Here's my post about today's doctor appointment
http://www.bubblews.com/news/6699617-genetic-testing-results

ciara

I worry so much about their health.  I think she might have heartburn, but she doesn' tknow how to explain it to me. 

so many things that will never happen

so my dear sweet husband kind of messed up on my 40th birthday (don't think he even realizes it)... but you know, it was the big 4-0 and i wanted something special... either an a) surprise party or b) a surprise vacation... he got me knives.  yes, i had wanted some nice knives.  so in that respect, he did fine.  but that was more of a 39th bday gift of a 41st.  so... i had thought to myself, i am going to make myself clear that iw ant something special for my 50th.  something big like an a) surprise party or b) a surprise vacation... now that nolan is gone, i honestly don't care.  granted.  that is 7 years from now.  but for one thing, my birthday is nolan's birthday.  that will always take precendence over my day.  so a big 50th bday for me?  or a memorial for nolan who should be turning 20 on that day.... see?  no fiftieth bday for me.

another thing i had really, really hoped to do.... i wanted to redo our marriage vows maybe at 20th anniversary... and i wanted it special.  a party.  all of our friends and family.  our kids up there with us.  our kids.  up there.  as we redo our vows.  and now???? how could i do that and think that it felt right???? a party with our whole family WITHOUT NOLAN?????  how can that happen? 

those are both selfish things... things for ME that i have dreamed of.....  of course, there are all the many, many things that i think of about nolan... things that won't happen.

there's a girl we know through our catholic homeschool group.  for some reason, i just had this thought of "he's going to marry her".... and now???  anytime I see her, when i see her post things of fb, when i hear from her mom about things... right now, not a big deal... but when she actually does get married????? i'm going to be crushed.  

Nolan will never marry. 

Nolan will never have a first kiss.

Nolan will never graduate from high school or college.

Nolan will never get a first job.

Nolan will never drive a car (though he did often sit on daddy's lap & help drive). 

Nolan will never go to Europe (hell, at this rate, neither will I)

Nolan will never be a father. 

It's all so heartbreaking... I can't stand it. 

hard day

all the days are hard...  today the permanence of our situation is weighing heavily on my heart.  the permanence of living without Nolan.  it hurts so much.  i put on public face, but inside I'm getting even more today than i was a week ago.  the hurting doesn't stop.  some days I'm better at living than others...some days i am able to laugh with my kids, smile at something a friend said, focus on positive stuff.  but even when I'm laughing,I'm hurting

Faith is not-so-good now

how do you reconcile so much pain, so much unnecessary heartbreak, so much lost with a loving God?

 my faith is shaken, thrown in a blender on high no lid on it shaken... I'll be honest, leading up to this horrific day, my faith was already shaky. so much didn't make sense to me before Nolan died, yes BEFORE!  now what.  do you think this has made me stronger in my faith?

first and foremost, my son was stolen from me in the middle of the night or early in the morning with no FREAKING warning.  none!!!!!  he's 13!!!!!! how the hell can that make sense????????  the pain is unbearable.

and the unnecessary fear it has caused my other children, especially ciara, though I'm sure they are all scared,  how can that serve a purpose????  how can a nine year old girl fear falling asleep every single night be right?   how can all the tummy ache she is having be part of a plan?

now my faith in people is another story altogether.  the amazing love of these people, some people I have never met is just something else.  people are truly good.

I would like to have faith again....

Liam without Nolan

my sweet Liam.... before this tragedy, I worried a lot about Liam being in Nolan' s shadow. now I worry exponentially more.

Liam and Nolan......for eleven years, the two names have been said together more often than not.  the two boys were together more often than not.  Liam and Nolan, wrestling....climbing trees.... laughing at some silly boy humor....making up some game....digging holes in the back yard....playing catch....playing soccer...playing ghost....playing don't touch the ground.....swimming....walking in the neighborhood....building with legos....drawing side by side....watching movies....for years, sleeping in the same bed... teasing each other....standing up for each other....fighting each other....being best friends without even realizing it.

Liam lost something so precious.  we all did, of course.  but Liam and Nolan had a really special life together.  I look at Liam and catch glimpses of sadness.  he is going to be sad.  that is natural.  I just wonder how his sorrow will change who he is.

Liam has said several really neat things about Nolan being in heaven, positive ways to look at things.  I have been really proud of him for talking about it.

I also worry because he found Nolan....I know I cannot get the images of that dreadful morning out of my head.  I hope he can.  he did say to me one day that he doesn't picture Nolan like he found him, but like he always looked.

I pray that Liam somehow comes out of this stronger.  I pray that he and Logan form special bonds.  I pray that he and ciara enjoy each other more.  I pray that my sadness doesn't shadow his life.I pray he be joyful in life. I pray that Nolan will watch over Liam in a special way from heaven.

the good, the bad, yeah, mostly the bad.... sorry

Add caption

I don't want to inundate my friends on Facebook with my grief, my sorrow, my pain.  I have always kind of lived out loud on fb from sharing my children's exploits to my adventures in the kitchen to my passion for lord of the rings.... my statuses have ranged from mundane (guess what I had for dinner) to exciting (it's a girl#!)...  the death of Nolan hasn't been something I have talked about in my little status updates each day on fb.  oh I have a couple times briefly... of course, but not only is it just too much sorrow to share like that, but I really don't want everyone to feel sad....I know I'm going to have that effect now on people.  when they see me, for a long time, they will feel sad.  sometimes, random crazy bereaved mom thought, when I'm in a public place and I feel the heaviness in my heart and behind my eyes, I want to walk up to strangers and say, my son just died....he was 13 and we still don't know what happened.... but I don't.... I watch the strangers going on with their lives....I scan their faces to see if I see any signs of sorrow.   if I see an elderly person, I especially look at them....they have had more time to experience something tragic. wonder why I want strangers to know my sadness....

perhaps it is my anger at the world for going on....how dare these people lead a normal life when my precious son was taken from me.  or maybe it is simply that I am consumed by sorrow.  consumed.this anguish taints the entire world now.


so writing here, living out loud, I can say a little more about my thoughts and feelings than I can on fb.  and if someone wants to read it, it is here.... but no one has to

one a.m.

here I am.  thing is I was so tired that my eyes were drooping by eleven.  I was asleep by midnight.  then my daughter keeps talking and finally woke me up.  how can God have planned this nightmare?  what good is coming from a nine year old girl who is scared, can't sleep, and is falling back into some obsessive compulsive things again.

in the spring, my daughter started these obsessive behaviors like thinking she had put something in her mouth when she hadn't and worrying about it over and over.  it was interfering with school, she couldn't get through half her subjects in one day.  then, thankfully, it seemed to stop.  it is back now and possibly worse.  how can that be a good thing?  I feel like it is driving her and I both nuts.

how can me getting no sleep be good...or Patrick?  the other day I was driving out of my driveway and almost hit someone walking their dog.  I'm a very safe driver normally.  so I'm thinking this exhaustion played a role in that near miss.  Patrick drives a distance to work daily.  is it good for him to be operating on little to no sleep?

I'm so exhausted and haven't even been giving my precious children the attention they need.  shouldn't I have learned the precious time we have is brief and therefore I should be spending the best time with my four remaining on earth kids???? you would think.  but I'm tired and exhausted and doing nothing.  every single thing takes such an enormous amount of energy.

were there symptoms and we missed it?

I will always question some of my choices that I made concerning Nolan...  I think twice he told me he had a pain or just feeling in his chest.  not super recently, but within a few months.  both times I asked him to do his inhaler and asked if it felt like asthma.he did not continue to complain.  so I chalked it up to nothing.  my kids always have been slightly paranoid about every physical symptom.  so as a mom,I have tried to make them fear not.  because most of the time it is nothing....I now wonder if I had taken him to the Dr, if he would still be here.  did his chest still hurt and he just didn't tell me?  did he think . that he didn't want to bother me?

also, my memory stinks, but I think the night before we lost my precious boy, he told me something was bugging him when I said it was time to do dishes..... I cannot remember what now.  why can't I remember????   sometimes the kids do that though when it is time for a chore.  so I said "it is a good thing there aren't a lot of dishes then."  the thing is, he didn't complain the rest of the night.  he watched a movie, said prayers with daddy, ate a bunch of food..... I think he would have mentioned it if something was still bugging him. and he did act fine all evening.  what if though???
what an absolute epic failure I am if those three times had to do with this horribly wrong mysterious death???????????     and why can't I remember his exact words from that night???

see Liam has also complained of chest stuff here and there....but always briefly.  and we always thought it was nothing because it stopped quickly.  since this hell started, we had Liam have a huge cardiac checkup... everything looked fine, but we still have more checking to do.  one night his chest hurt and I made Patrick take him to er.  he was fine.  they said it was his chest muscles, not his heart.. how do you know though?  now I feel like I must take my kids for every little symptom.
when Nolan had a big mole on his shoulder a couple years ago, he was convinced he had skin cancer and was so scared. he was so paranoid for awhile about any Sun touching his shoulder.  we really had to work to make him not be scared.  he had the mole removed, it was fine.  but he was a little hypochondriac-ish.  so you see, for mental health, I always tried to make my kids NOT worry when they had a headache, tummy ache, chest ache....  I thought I was being a good mom.

I should say that I am a hypochondriac of sorts.  and when the kids would complain of symptoms, I would worry.... but I'd tell myself to chill out...the kids were healthy, nothing to worry about. I'm saying this all in past tense...I still worry, even more so now.  I have always worried about health stuff in me and my kids... yet here we are.

the kids will tell me every time something"feels funny"..... like a strange ache in the shoulder, a tummy ache, sore finger....  what if some THING that felt funny with Nolan was IT.....the cause of this anguish.  what if my attempts to stop my kids from being hypochondriac s were the cause if missing something important????? what if Nolan just didn't want to bother me?  what have I done wrong to make him think he is a bother????   I'm always distracted, busy, tired, grumpy.....  what if he just did not want to bother me....  I feel so responsible for his death.  I feel like i should have known.  I feel like I missed something.  I'm his mom.  it is my job to keep him safe.  I failed