were there symptoms and we missed it?

I will always question some of my choices that I made concerning Nolan...  I think twice he told me he had a pain or just feeling in his chest.  not super recently, but within a few months.  both times I asked him to do his inhaler and asked if it felt like asthma.he did not continue to complain.  so I chalked it up to nothing.  my kids always have been slightly paranoid about every physical symptom.  so as a mom,I have tried to make them fear not.  because most of the time it is nothing....I now wonder if I had taken him to the Dr, if he would still be here.  did his chest still hurt and he just didn't tell me?  did he think . that he didn't want to bother me?

also, my memory stinks, but I think the night before we lost my precious boy, he told me something was bugging him when I said it was time to do dishes..... I cannot remember what now.  why can't I remember????   sometimes the kids do that though when it is time for a chore.  so I said "it is a good thing there aren't a lot of dishes then."  the thing is, he didn't complain the rest of the night.  he watched a movie, said prayers with daddy, ate a bunch of food..... I think he would have mentioned it if something was still bugging him. and he did act fine all evening.  what if though???
what an absolute epic failure I am if those three times had to do with this horribly wrong mysterious death???????????     and why can't I remember his exact words from that night???

see Liam has also complained of chest stuff here and there....but always briefly.  and we always thought it was nothing because it stopped quickly.  since this hell started, we had Liam have a huge cardiac checkup... everything looked fine, but we still have more checking to do.  one night his chest hurt and I made Patrick take him to er.  he was fine.  they said it was his chest muscles, not his heart.. how do you know though?  now I feel like I must take my kids for every little symptom.
when Nolan had a big mole on his shoulder a couple years ago, he was convinced he had skin cancer and was so scared. he was so paranoid for awhile about any Sun touching his shoulder.  we really had to work to make him not be scared.  he had the mole removed, it was fine.  but he was a little hypochondriac-ish.  so you see, for mental health, I always tried to make my kids NOT worry when they had a headache, tummy ache, chest ache....  I thought I was being a good mom.

I should say that I am a hypochondriac of sorts.  and when the kids would complain of symptoms, I would worry.... but I'd tell myself to chill out...the kids were healthy, nothing to worry about. I'm saying this all in past tense...I still worry, even more so now.  I have always worried about health stuff in me and my kids... yet here we are.

the kids will tell me every time something"feels funny"..... like a strange ache in the shoulder, a tummy ache, sore finger....  what if some THING that felt funny with Nolan was IT.....the cause of this anguish.  what if my attempts to stop my kids from being hypochondriac s were the cause if missing something important????? what if Nolan just didn't want to bother me?  what have I done wrong to make him think he is a bother????   I'm always distracted, busy, tired, grumpy.....  what if he just did not want to bother me....  I feel so responsible for his death.  I feel like i should have known.  I feel like I missed something.  I'm his mom.  it is my job to keep him safe.  I failed