awake

everything about this is hard...there is not one thing good.  something especially hard is hearing my sweet husband speak with such despair.  this is a man who has faced so many trials in the last few years.  and he always faced them with such a positive attitude.  none of those trials compare to this of course.  nothing in life can compare to t this nightmare, this hell on earth.   we trudge on though only because we have to.we have four beautiful kids forcing us to do that.  really we have five forcing us to do it because if you think about Nolan, he does not want us to crawl into a hole and never come out.  that would make him so sad.  oh but it is hell....knowing I won't be able to hug him, talk to him, watch him be silly, watch him wrestle with Liam, watch him play soccer, listen to him laugh, witness him grow up.  that was all snatched away from us and we do not even know why....hell