Body Odor Makes Me Sad

Nolan had just started to need deodorant occasionally.  It wasn't an all the time thing.  He was a little behind on hitting puberty. 

Liam seems ahead of the game.  Body hair, growth, and body odor.  He's got it all. 

Today, he smelled up the van so badly with his body odor.  He had played soccer yesterday then went to a sleepover.  At the sleepover, they rode bikes.  He had no deodorant and didn't shower.  Boy did he smell.

I felt sad thinking that I never really dealt with that with Nolan. 

I'm so sick and angry with God with the world.  If there was a God that cared, Nolan wouldnt' have died.  If there was a God that cared, I could receive some sort of powerful sign because I NEED IT. 

There's no one up there that cares about me.

Writing my Pain

as time wears on and December 31, 2012 grows to be more of a memory to others, I know that more and more friends of mine think I should be moving on, the pain should be lessening.  I feel less inclined to write how deep the pain continues to be, how deep it will always be. 

there are those who think "stop wallowing for God's sake!"

I know it.  even if they do not say it.

I'm not wallowing.  I'm living it.  I'm struggling to exist each day because of it.  I get out of bed.  I take care of the other children.  I put on a "happy-ish" face. 

But the pain is deep. 

Out of nowhere, one day I will suddenly think of the fact that Nolan said his chest hurt the night before he died.  He said it once.  I asked him a couple of questions, chalked it up to his asthma.  I screwed up.  I cannot forget that.  That will NEVER go away.

Or there are the thoughts of the horrific morning.  They pop up.  (thankfully not as often as they did in the beginning)

Often when I am at church, the funeral and wake come to mind.  Today I cried as I thought how that is the last place I laid eyes on his human form.  I don't pay much attention in church these days.

So this is where I come to let it all hang out.  And if you think I should get over losing my child, well, stop reading. 

observations

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3691890-more-observations-of-a-grieving-mother

I know it is wrong

I know it is wrong, but I am so jealous of complete families.  i know that jealousy is never a good thing.  but i can't help it.  i see people celebrating their families and their kids and i'm jealous.  our family will never be complete ever again.  how do i come to grips with that?

It's Never Going to Get Easier

It will always be something.  Tonight, I sit here crying because of people sharing pictures from their children's 8th grade graduation.  Nolan would be graduating from 8th grade this year too.  Instead, like a thief in the night, God stole him from me.  It's not fair.

Mothers' Day

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3337904-the-first-to-call-me-momma

it's a hard day

The Day my World Stopped

December 31, 2012, my world stopped.  Everyone else just kept going, some of them sad, but their world was still moving, going. 

It has been 16 months, I think.  Funny how time has become so confusing to me.  I think I'm calculating this nightmare correctly.  16 months since my beautiful son died.  16 months since my world changed forever. 

My world is still stopped. 

I now have two lives.  One before Nolan's death when life was good and normal and happy and filled with ordinary pain and suffering and stress and things.  And the second life is post 12/31/12.  Post-Nolan.  How is it I lived 30 years without him before his birth, but living without him the past 16 months is unbearable.  Post-Nolan life is confusing, vague, nightmarish, void, bitter, painful. 

Sometimes it hurts to look at your face

how is that possible?  but sometimes looking at pictures of you gets my heart hurting, my soul crying, my brain aching.  I look at those beautiful images and realize that is ALL that I have left.  I look at the ones from just days before your death and I think WHY DIDN'T I KNOW SOMETHING WAS WRONG????   now that I see them, you look so skinny.  of course, we had all been fighting a bug.  I didn't know such a horrible virus could kill my son. 
even though it hurts, I will never stop looking at your face though.  I need to see you as much as I am able.

Repetitive

Will I be writing the same grieving, sorrowful stuff in ten years?

How will I ever wrap my head around the fact that I found my thirteen year old son dead in bed after going to bed healthy?  How will I ever remove that image from my mind?  There are some days that it plays over and over again in my head.  Other times I will go a month without thinking of that horrific day. 

Today was a sorrowful day.  I cried the most tears that I have cried in months.  Tomorrow is Easter.  I don't know if it just suddenly hit me or what.  I also stopped the anti-depressant pills.  So it's good to cry again.  Yet, it felt so painful and powerful.  I felt such immense anger towards God today.  I said that I hated Him. 

I know many of my friends who have a strong faith will be shocked to hear that. 

Try to live with the knowledge that God let your son die for no good reason.

Signs???

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3044472-i039ve-stopped-looking-for-signs

Too Much Fear, so I Ignore it??

I have found myself ignoring things that should make me freak out, namely Ciara and liam saying their heart hurts. 

liam went through that after papa died.  then he went through it after Nolan died.  nothing was wrong.  but what if that changes?

Ciara worries.  she only mentions the heart feeling at bedtime.  so I chalk it up to worry.  but what if?

I worry too much, mentally, but I ignore stuff lately.  I feel like I am overwhelmed by life.  so I ignore. 

is this normal?  I don't know.  I feel like everything I do I do wrong. 

why did you have to die Nolan?  why???????????????

I Miss You, I'm sorry

I miss you so much.  Yet, I don't allow myself to think of you as much as I should.  I'm sorry.  I have become the queen of distraction.  Sometimes it hurts so bad when I think of the fact that this is real. I try to deaden the pain with projects and food and time with friends and wine and shopping and tv and computer and more of the same.  None of it brings you back though.  None of it helps me to miss you any less.  It just keeps me numb.  I love you.

no more tears

I definitely need to change medicines.  I went to group therapy tonight, something that makes me cry every time, and I didn't even come close to crying.  the tears are there beneath the surface.  i'm sad.  I miss Nolan.  I feel empty.

and I mean, I may just need to go off the meds.  keep the anti-anxiety only.  I just want to cry again.  I don't know if I ever will feel "unempty" (I know that isn't a word)

I look at your smiling face Nolan and wonder how you can be dead. 

14 Year olds Make Me Sad

14 year olds make me sad.  Whether they are friends of Nolan's or not, I see that someone is turning 14 and I am sad.  Hearing talk of kids starting high school makes me sad.  Nolan would be starting high school next year.  It makes me sad. 

thoughts on loneliness

http://www.bubblews.com/news/2286898-this-thing-called-loneliness

snuggling with the kids

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1452517-not-much-sweeter-than-snuggling-with-your-children

found a poem today

found a letter tonight, in the process of getting ruined thanks to a spill in the basement, Nolan wrote it to us while he was at scout camp in the summer of 2011. He wrote a little poem in the letter that seriously could have been written today, part of was unreadable, but I think I got most it. here it is:
I miss home and you
In the days that have gone
Many things here are new
As things are to a faun
I've been here so long
But home does not fade
I remember you guys
As I sit in the shade
I know that I will see you soon
And by and by
And I can't believe I'm lucky enough to tell you
I love you and goodbye.

hard day

all the days are hard...  today the permanence of our situation is weighing heavily on my heart.  the permanence of living without Nolan.  it hurts so much.  i put on public face, but inside I'm getting even more today than i was a week ago.  the hurting doesn't stop.  some days I'm better at living than others...some days i am able to laugh with my kids, smile at something a friend said, focus on positive stuff.  but even when I'm laughing,I'm hurting