A New Post

I haven't been writing on this site much because I am ticked off at Adsense.  Anyway, here is a link to another page that I write.

http://www.cgpgallery.com/another-try/

Joyous Grief?

How do you put the two together?  Joy and grief?  How? 

Grief often feels like it is swallowing me whole. 

I've talked about the physical feelings of it.  It often feels like I am drowning. 

I miss my son so much.

Yet....

He's not my only child.  I have four other children who do bring me joy. 

I smiled today as I watched the youngest run down the hall nearly naked because she needed to reach the bathroom.    Seeing her chubby little legs moving like that brings me joy. 

My eight year old son is still so young and sweet and innocent.  His voice still has that childish quality that makes me melt inside when he says I Love You.  He brings me joy when he snuggles next to me on the sofa.

Then there's the eleven-year old daughter who loves to be helpful.  And you can tell just how much she still needs her momma and daddy.  Her smile brings me joy.

Of course, there is sometimes discord between the thirteen year old son and myself, but I love him.  He is fun to sit and talk to as he grows up.  He still likes to snuggle in next to me on the couch.  He brings me joy.

But I am sad.  I have a hard time rectifying the two. 

I do put myself in the here and now most of the time.  Then I feel guilty because sometimes I push Nolan's image out of my head.  I am sad when I look at him.  I miss him, I want to look at him. 

It's not easy.

And it's not right.

A mother should not bury her child ever.  The child should bury the mother.  When they are both old!

Thirteen years was not enough time with my son.

Family Nights, Saturday Nights, Not the Same

As I have mentioned before, grief is exhausting.  I'm sure some of you know this for yourselves.  Those of you who don't, feel blessed.  I had no idea how tired I would be all the time from this hell. 

Today I was thinking perhaps we should play board games tonight as a family.  We haven't done that forever.  I don't think we have even done it since Nolan's death.  I am not sure.  I think one night we played charades briefly.  That's all I can remember. 

We didn't play board games as often as we should have before Nolan died, but at least we tried to sometimes.  We were supposed to that night actually because it was New Year's Eve.  That was the plan.  Junk food and board games.  Instead we had death and sorrow.

So today I thought about it.  I thought how much fun board games can be for the family.  I thought how we spend so much time at home just sitting in front of the tv or in our own rooms or on a video game or computer.  Then I felt tired.  And I remembered that it takes energy.  Especially with my three-year old around.  She takes a lot of energy.  And I'm just so tired. 

Therefore, I have a feeling we won't play board games tonight, even though it would be nice.

Another Post Titled Thirteen....

Shortly after the loss of my precious son, I wrote a post on here titled Thirteen. 
http://thesorrowful.blogspot.com/2013/02/thirteen.html

It seems impossible that I wrote that nearly two years ago.  How can it be two years since I lost him?   Two years since I kissed him goodnight and watched him walk down the hallway.  The last time to watch him walk down the hallway.

Tonight I wrote a post on my other website about my twelve-year old turning thirteen next week. 
http://www.bubblews.com/news/9325821-thirteen-isn039t-going-to-be-easy-on-me

And I thought how tough THIRTEEN is for me now. 

And I wonder if it is going through Liam's mind that Nolan died right after he turned 13.  Liam is already a worrier.  Is he worried?  Is he scared?

Why do we have to suffer this nightmare?  I still do not understand.  I don't have the faith to understand. 

Worries for the PTSD Mother

 

I'm tired of worrying so much.  I have always been a worrier.  Before I even had children, I had a friend who called me "The Worrying Walrus" (because she had read a children's book titled that).  Add children to the mix and then, of course, I worry about them.  Add the death of my son to our lives, and worry has become an enormous weight. 

So many fears exist now, fears that, perhaps were there, but were miniscule. 

 

My twelve-year old (who turns thirteen next week) worries me.  First of all, I have this worry that I will lose all my children at age thirteen.  It's an unreasonable fear.  I have no valid reason to feel that way.  I'm just scared. 

 

However, my twelve-year old has been complaining of neck pains for almost a week now.  I seriously think it is probably just a pulled muscle.  He feels fine otherwise.  He even remembers when it started, specifically, like he pulled something.  However, it's just not getting any better.  Again, it is probably just a pulled muscle. 

 

But what if it isn't? 

 

I don't know what else it could be, but I'm still scared. 

 

I hate the fear that is in my life now.  I hate it.

I'm not writing as much about sorrow

It's not that I'm not feeling the sorrow.  I'm just not writing about it as much.  To those who see it on my blogs occasionally, they probably still think "wow, is that all she talks about?"  To me, sometimes I feel like I still have much to say.  Here's a few links to recent things I have written on my other blog.

http://www.bubblews.com/news/8913214-a-mother039s-anxiety
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8821103-praying-when-you-aren039t-sure-what-you-believe
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8631594-visiting-my-son039s-grave
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7835438-i-don039t-know-how-to-be-a-good-mother-anymore
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7823797-before-or-after
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7953982-the-overprotective-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8007979-yoga-tears-and-my-son
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8076169-playlist-for-the-grieving-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8287900-fifteen
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8240402-nolan039s-wish
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8350081-sentimental-for-the-old-days

unbearable thoughts

I hear story after story of mothers who have lost more than one child.   I fear that happening to me.  I go to bed every night fearful.   I am so scared, not only of losing another child, but of finding anyone else dead.  the thought of that terrifies me.  I don't know how to cope.  the fear is overwhelming. 

why did this have to happen to us?

I know I sound like a freaking broken record, but I just don't understand. 

why?

Mothers' Day

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3337904-the-first-to-call-me-momma

it's a hard day

I just can't get it together

in my head, I can't help but compare the other kids to Nolan.  it's not fair.  this is making me a worse mom!!!!  I have had so many people tell me how what happened to Nolan has made them a better mom.  yet, me, the one who lost my son???? i'm a much worse mom now.  i'm angry and sad all the time.  I yell.  I disappear into myself.  this made me a worse mom.  how can there be a God when this stuff happens?  There is no reason for this.  there is no purpose to this.  i'm miserable.

nolan's videos

i was browsing through the photos and videos taken with his camera.  i was NOT surprised to see so many pictures of our pets and ella.  that's what he wanted to take pictures of.  he loved all of his pets.  he loved his baby sister.  anyway... i can't play all the videos on the laptop.  going to try to upload.

the basement

Nolan, I wish you were here to see what I have been doing in the basement.  I have been working so hard to make it a space we can actually use.  I have cleaned, decluttered, painted, bought too much stuff, hired someone to build a wall and do some electrical work. 

Today, I sat down there for a few minutes and all I could think of was  you.  I was thinking how you need to be here to enjoy it.  I was thinking how you would be begging for it to be your bedroom.  When you were here, we were falling all over each other in our small house.  We needed more space.  Then you were gone and our house felt empty. 

It still feels empty.... you aren't here.  there's an emptiness that is unbearable. 

Checking out and keeping things straight

at times, I feel like I have checked out.  I don't really feel like participating in life at times.  other times, I feel like I am overcompensating by filling myself with all kinds of projects and stuff.  distractions. 

i'm looking forward to grief therapy next week.  she wants me to bring Nolan's poetry and pictures. 

falling apart

sometimes I feel like we are falling apart. 

i'm tired and have no energy anymore.  I never read to the kids.  we watch tv too much.

Patrick is tired and grouchy all the time.  part of it is his job.  he works really long hours for not enough pay.  there's no appreciation for him there.  butg I know it boils down to losing Nolan.

there's just such discord in our home.  it never feels "happy" anymore

more grief

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1078998-a-grieving-mother

The World of Nolan (his blog)

So, for scouts, Nolan started a blog... he only has 3 entries.  if I can remember what I used as the password, I may start uploading some stuff to it.  if I can't, I will just put it on my own blog.  Nolan is such a creative child.  I have all sorts of artwork that I want to upload for everyone to see.  He did these funny comics/cartoons... I always laughed about how cool he was because he would be drawing religious art one moment and the next doing some silly boy humor cartoon... he was all boy, but a boy with heart and a strong faith...  so anyway, I plan to start doing that... not just bombarding you all with all my pain, but letting you see his immense talent.  he started writing so many times, writing books.  and they were great.  but he never finished.  he was a kid after all....  I truly believed that somewhere in there was a book/novel that would be written/completed.... 

I had this plan to write a book myself, kind of a judy blume-ish book geared towards the younger set (ala tales of a 4th grade nothing)... silly, boy humor...  It was (is) called "the Bully"  and Nolan was all set to illustrate it for me.... I guess I took too long to actually write it.  we have no guaranteed tomorrows do we?

anyway, today I am going to link you to Nolan's little blog.  it has 3 entries.  he had all sorts of stuff he wanted to write.  I just love the voldemort one because I am a huge harry potter fan... yes, I am.  I admit it.  I love harry potter!    so here's Nolan's blog.
 http://worldofnolan.blogspot.com

our house

We have a small house....6 months ago, we were busting at the seems with five children and the bedrooms.   Our house feels so empty now.  There's a ghost-like quality now in my mind, hazy, cold, sad.  I rarely hear joyful sounds of children's laughter coming from the boys' room.  There's a gloomy, overcast feeling.  And again, empty.

 Nolan was so full of life and joy.  Our home was crowded, but full of love and laughter.

  I'm in so much pain.

I feel like our family will never recover from this.

food

food makes me sad....

i used to cook 32 ounce package of spagetti every friday night & have to make sure everyone  had enough.  nolan would be going back for 3rds and 4ths and then IF there was any leftover, IF, he would be snacking on it later that night or the next day for breakfast... There was never too much pasta.  every week lately, i have had to throw away leftovers.  this week, i made 24 ounces instead of my usual 32.  still threw away a lot.  i guess Nolan was really the only one who would eat it so much the next day...

i made fish tacos last night, one of our family favorites.  granted, i didn't bread the fish, and that is everyone's favorite way, but still, they all love fish tacos, period.  not only did we have enough leftovers for lunch, we ate lunch and STILL have some leftover.  i miss my growing 13 year old boy who would be upset when we were out of fish because he wanted more. 

the other night we had dinner a some friends' house.  I made some bruschetta and roasted some goat cheese with fresh tomatoes & basil.  Nolan would have been thrilled.  He loves goat cheese.  He's always been the only one to love goat cheese of my kids, though Ciara and Logan were snacking on it at the Harrison's house.  Nolan also was my only feta cheese eater.... I was sad when I bought the goat cheese on Saturday. 

nolan, the one who didn't want jelly on his peanut butter sandwiches... i make them almost every friday for co-op lunch.  i'm sad when i don't have to remember to make one without jelly. 

Nolan would snack on saltines and peanut butter, i don't see anyone else doing that lately.  He'd eat a couple hard-boiled eggs as a snack or breakfast.... I haven't even been making hard-boiled eggs lately. 

Everything is so different.  My entire life has been altered.  Even the mundane like grocery shopping and cooking... Doing dishes.  I picture Nolan in the kitchen doing dishes.  he hated it.  But he did it. 

such a beautiful happy boy

his smile was contagious... i would rather say "is" because i hope he is smiling that same beautiful smile in heaven...  but here, on earth, for us, it was contagious... he could be so silly, then serious and thoughtful, then sad, then friendly... all boy... from the love of the outdoors to the enjoyment of sports to the silly boy humor... all boy.  my boy.  my Nolan. 

am i ever going to sleep easy?

every single morning i wake up scared... scared to check on my children... scared that one of them will be dead.  it's a horrifying way to live, really.  is that every going to fade?  i just don't see how it will... i honestly think that will be how i wake up every morning for the rest of my life... every night i go to sleep thinking of the same thing, but i also go to sleep worrying that i may be the one to die and then they would find me and be further traumatised.  what a terrible way to fall asleep each night.  i know many of you out there would just say that i need to pray, and yes, i know i do.  but that is just hard right now.  I tell my daughter not to worry so much... I know I am worried too.  Even more than she is because I understand genetics. 

dear Nolan

dear son, oh how i miss you, my boy....my sweet first born....

i miss your laugh.
i miss your smile.
i miss watching you draw.
i miss your creativity.
i miss your silliness.
i miss your helpfulness.
i miss hearing you talk about your animals.
i miss your voice.
i miss watching you push Ella in the swing or the stroller.
i miss you always doing a good job on your chores.
i miss your friendliness.
i miss watching you climb trees so tall that i was always so nervous to watch.
i miss reading your stories and poetry.
i miss your kisses.
i miss you doing the i love you sign when I'd drop you off at soccer or scouts.
i miss your positive attitude.
i miss your bedtime prayers.
i miss your love of the outdoors.
i miss you wanting to build fires in the fire pit.
i miss you building forts in the backyard.
i miss you always trying to do what was right.
i miss when you would get a mischievous grin.
i miss that sometimes you were the only one who could make Ella happy.
i miss watching you play soccer, soccer season is going to be so hard.
i miss your hugs.
i miss your love of pasta....we always have too much left over now.
i miss you deciding that it is "mom and dad day" out of nowhere and then conspiring with your siblings to surprise us with something.
i miss your love and knowledge of birds.
i miss reading to you.
i miss you reading to Ella.
i miss you taking Logan for walks in the neighborhood,especially to visit Larry.
i miss your long hair.
i miss your short hair.
i miss you wanting to cook eggs or ramen noodles to help with lunch.
i miss the loud,silly laughter when you and Liam had fun together.
i miss the epic wrestling matches.
i miss playing chess or apples to apples with you.
i miss your talks about co-op.
i miss giving you breathing treatments for your asthma.
i miss your love of scouts.
i miss your enthusiasm over rango.
i miss listening to you play the piano.
i miss the phase when you were drawing with your feet.
i miss how grown up you were getting.
i miss watching the last ten minutes of your gym class, you were always having such fun.
i miss your kind spirit.
i miss watching you sword fight with Liam or Logan or your friends.
i miss you playing your bongos.
i miss watching you dance.
i miss your enthusiasm when we would sing for school.
i miss your goodness.
i miss how well you would treat little kids parks,pools,wherever...

i miss everything about you.  if i were to sit here for the next eight hours,I'd still be writing things i miss about you.  i miss you from the deepest depths of my soul Nolan.