Life Goes On and it Sucks

http://www.bubblews.com/news/3515116-life-goes-on

Screw You

Sometimes I feel so angry at the world.  At everyone who is living a normal life.  At everyone whose kids are still alive and growing up.  At everyone who has a 14 year old.   At everyone who has a 13 year old. 

I get angry when I see children advancing in Boy Scouts.

I get angry when I see children getting their drivers' license.

I get angry when I see a 14 year old in a play!

I get angry when I see a friend's child getting married.

I get angry when I see a kid going to the prom.

I get angry when I see life continuing normally for everyone else. 

still waiting on a bigger sign, but....

read my story here....

http://www.bubblews.com/news/1746063-kind-of-a-sign-maybe-not-a-big-sign-i-want-a-big-sign-but-a-sign

a drawing by Nolan

I plan on getting more of his art here... my printer is being screwy, so I took a picture of this with my kindle.... that'll work for now!

The World of Nolan (his blog)

So, for scouts, Nolan started a blog... he only has 3 entries.  if I can remember what I used as the password, I may start uploading some stuff to it.  if I can't, I will just put it on my own blog.  Nolan is such a creative child.  I have all sorts of artwork that I want to upload for everyone to see.  He did these funny comics/cartoons... I always laughed about how cool he was because he would be drawing religious art one moment and the next doing some silly boy humor cartoon... he was all boy, but a boy with heart and a strong faith...  so anyway, I plan to start doing that... not just bombarding you all with all my pain, but letting you see his immense talent.  he started writing so many times, writing books.  and they were great.  but he never finished.  he was a kid after all....  I truly believed that somewhere in there was a book/novel that would be written/completed.... 

I had this plan to write a book myself, kind of a judy blume-ish book geared towards the younger set (ala tales of a 4th grade nothing)... silly, boy humor...  It was (is) called "the Bully"  and Nolan was all set to illustrate it for me.... I guess I took too long to actually write it.  we have no guaranteed tomorrows do we?

anyway, today I am going to link you to Nolan's little blog.  it has 3 entries.  he had all sorts of stuff he wanted to write.  I just love the voldemort one because I am a huge harry potter fan... yes, I am.  I admit it.  I love harry potter!    so here's Nolan's blog.
 http://worldofnolan.blogspot.com

guilt

Grieving parents feel guilt.  I have read numerous writings by parents who have lost a child and every single parent feels guilt.   Sometimes there is a valid reason for some guilt, but mostly there's just the feeling that we should have done something different poor noticed something that was hard to notice....

I feel guilt.  Patrick feels guilt.

The other night I was watching tv with the kids and these thoughts settled into my head....I thought "perhaps if I had hugged Nolan more tightly before he went to bed, I should have noticed his heart was beating funny. Then I could have taken him to the hospital and we wouldn't be living this nightmare."

I have lots of other feelings of things I did wrong that day, but that was a new one...

I know that there's probably no way I would have noticed his heart was beating funny, but what if???

Guilt

a horror

I can't wrap my mind around the horror of this...Nolan went to bed thinking he had his whole life ahead of him.  Maybe thinking about playing air soft guns again the next day, maybe thinking about the avengers, maybe thinking of a girl....he had no reason to think his life was over.... that's the horror of it.  His life is over.

being Catholic

today a new pope was chosen.  it was a cool,exciting,somewhat emotional feeling.  see I'm a convert, so the richness of the Catholic faith still amazes me sometimes.  to me,the foundation of my beliefs from my childhood as a protestant are the same as Catholics..there is just a deeper,more profound richness to Catholicism...the traditions are beautiful.   and when i saw the white smoke from the Vatican today, i was deeply moved.

Nolan's funeral was beautiful...it was so deeply sad,so sorrowful, but i was so thankful to be Catholic as it happened... the traditions,the beauty of the Catholic church.  I'm so grateful Nolan could be taken care of in such a profound way....