I'm not writing as much about sorrow

It's not that I'm not feeling the sorrow.  I'm just not writing about it as much.  To those who see it on my blogs occasionally, they probably still think "wow, is that all she talks about?"  To me, sometimes I feel like I still have much to say.  Here's a few links to recent things I have written on my other blog.

http://www.bubblews.com/news/8913214-a-mother039s-anxiety
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8821103-praying-when-you-aren039t-sure-what-you-believe
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8631594-visiting-my-son039s-grave
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7835438-i-don039t-know-how-to-be-a-good-mother-anymore
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7823797-before-or-after
http://www.bubblews.com/news/7953982-the-overprotective-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8007979-yoga-tears-and-my-son
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8076169-playlist-for-the-grieving-mother
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8287900-fifteen
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8240402-nolan039s-wish
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8350081-sentimental-for-the-old-days

Songs and sadness

I heard this great song today that made me think of Nolan.  Be Still by The Fray.  I put a link of it in this post. 
http://www.bubblews.com/news/8007979-yoga-tears-and-my-son

I'm sad, as always.  I just look at his picture and cannot help but feel I failed him.  How did I not know that something was wrong?  How?  How can God create a disease like Myocarditis and not give us a fighting chance?  It's not fair. 

I cannot believe it has been almost two years. 

How is that possible?  I miss Nolan so much.

Sadness

I look at your pictures, so full of life, and I cannot believe this is real.  it's been 18 months.  some people might say "get on with your life!"  and they do not know.  they cannot understand unless they have lost a child. I will never simply get on with my life again.  my life as I knew it is over.  this is a new worse life.  that's the fact jack.  it's worse.  I hate that.  I hate it for my other children.  but I can't help it

I still look at these photos of my sweet Nolan and sometimes I think it has to be a nightmare.  how can this be true?  how can something so horrible be true?

 I worry about my other children.  I see how I try to distract myself from the pain and I worry about them doing the same as they grow older.  I hpe that as children they are not effected the same way as me.

Crying More

I'm relieved to be crying again.  I was taking some Zoloft for awhile to help with anxiety and instead it was making me a zombie.  I am a crier.  That's me.

I have been sad a lot, of course.  But lately, these things have made me sad:  1) yesterday was memorial day.  I remember going to the cemetery with my parents as a kid visiting old people's graves.  that's what you should do on memorial day.  not visit a child's gave.

and 2) today I took logan to the children's mercy orthopedic clinic.  I had completely forgotten about taking Nolan there a few times for scoliosis.  I was crying when we were waiting once it hit me.  the last time I was in that clinic was with Nolan.  a few years ago. 

losing Nolan just sucks and hurts and is hell and just can't get better.  how could it?

14 Year olds Make Me Sad

14 year olds make me sad.  Whether they are friends of Nolan's or not, I see that someone is turning 14 and I am sad.  Hearing talk of kids starting high school makes me sad.  Nolan would be starting high school next year.  It makes me sad. 

falling apart

sometimes I feel like we are falling apart. 

i'm tired and have no energy anymore.  I never read to the kids.  we watch tv too much.

Patrick is tired and grouchy all the time.  part of it is his job.  he works really long hours for not enough pay.  there's no appreciation for him there.  butg I know it boils down to losing Nolan.

there's just such discord in our home.  it never feels "happy" anymore

I Don't Want This to Be Real

383 days since Nolan died.  I still feel like it should not be real.  I still feel like he's going to come home, that I will be able to see him and hug him and talk to him.  I still feel like this must be a nightmare.  How can I walk through the rest of my life feeling like it is a nightmare?  My family is suffering.  Oh on the surface, we are all so strong.  I get that comment often.  "oh jill, you have handled everything with such strength, such grace."  (with slight variations on the wording).  Mentally I am truly checked out.  I do not want to face anything anymore.  I don't know how to handle it.  I really don't.  This going through the motions thing for the last 383 days just doesn't feel right.  I don't want this to be real.  I don't want this to be my life.

The World of Nolan (his blog)

So, for scouts, Nolan started a blog... he only has 3 entries.  if I can remember what I used as the password, I may start uploading some stuff to it.  if I can't, I will just put it on my own blog.  Nolan is such a creative child.  I have all sorts of artwork that I want to upload for everyone to see.  He did these funny comics/cartoons... I always laughed about how cool he was because he would be drawing religious art one moment and the next doing some silly boy humor cartoon... he was all boy, but a boy with heart and a strong faith...  so anyway, I plan to start doing that... not just bombarding you all with all my pain, but letting you see his immense talent.  he started writing so many times, writing books.  and they were great.  but he never finished.  he was a kid after all....  I truly believed that somewhere in there was a book/novel that would be written/completed.... 

I had this plan to write a book myself, kind of a judy blume-ish book geared towards the younger set (ala tales of a 4th grade nothing)... silly, boy humor...  It was (is) called "the Bully"  and Nolan was all set to illustrate it for me.... I guess I took too long to actually write it.  we have no guaranteed tomorrows do we?

anyway, today I am going to link you to Nolan's little blog.  it has 3 entries.  he had all sorts of stuff he wanted to write.  I just love the voldemort one because I am a huge harry potter fan... yes, I am.  I admit it.  I love harry potter!    so here's Nolan's blog.
 http://worldofnolan.blogspot.com

a horror

I can't wrap my mind around the horror of this...Nolan went to bed thinking he had his whole life ahead of him.  Maybe thinking about playing air soft guns again the next day, maybe thinking about the avengers, maybe thinking of a girl....he had no reason to think his life was over.... that's the horror of it.  His life is over.

everything is so different...edit

And obviously, worse....but that's not my point so much this time....I'm just thinking how this entire 2013, the worst year of my life, I'm scatterbrained and forget everything and yet I've barely used my calendar....I've flown by the seat of my pants as I've lived this nightmare, I've been late for things, I've missed things, and I really don't care....  I've learned that so much of everything we do, we think about, it is all pointless....

Pointless, a random thought that had crossed my mind so much since Nolan died...I was so over protective of him when he was little, I've taken him to do many Dr appointments, I've tried to keep him healthy and safe....Pointless...a random virus snuck in my home and killed him.... Pointless... keeping my kids safe, for what?


Friendships: different...I think most friends don't get how anything I do exhausts me and that I may think of them but probably won't call them or email them....I really need them to make the effort because I'm just not able to...  I'm l onely, but I don't really care anymore.
I mean,I don't like to be lonely, I don't,  but I just don't have the energy to care.   I have friends who I know care about me, but they just don't reach out to me...maybe they don't know what to say

I've always feared death...death of myself and death of my loved ones.  I still am scared of dying, but sometimes I think, well the pain will end....that's definitely different...

Our home is different, worse, we watch so much tv now.  Pure quality time seems rare.  Patrick and I are both mentally as well as physically exhausted.   We really need to change that.  We've fallen into such a rut.  I need mindless distractions.

And I'm not reading....anyone who knows me knows how unusual that is...oh I've been reading some, but not my every night thing.

Sadness..  our home is just not the same it never will be

busy

we have had a busy couple of days....Nolan floats in and out of my thoughts when I'm so busy.  Friday i spent most of the day fighting tears. i was at co-op and that makes me cry pretty much every week, some weeks are worse, this was worse...

then Saturday rolled around and i was so busy and distracted that i think i only teared up twice.

every day is just different.  i feel the immense heartache and pain constantly, but some days i am busy with things that actually allow me to enjoy life.   it is often up and down like a roller coaster because enjoying myself one day results in overwhelming feelings of guilt and anger and sadness the next....

Nolan should have been there yesterday.... i have been robbed