hard day

all the days are hard...  today the permanence of our situation is weighing heavily on my heart.  the permanence of living without Nolan.  it hurts so much.  i put on public face, but inside I'm getting even more today than i was a week ago.  the hurting doesn't stop.  some days I'm better at living than others...some days i am able to laugh with my kids, smile at something a friend said, focus on positive stuff.  but even when I'm laughing,I'm hurting