i miss the days when a tummy ache or a headache didn't make me fear the worst

tonight, Liam acting all tired and said he had a headache and tummy ache....my thoughts immediately go to the evening of Dec 30th.... i have this vague memory of Nolan having some vague complaint, either a headache or tummy ache....he once, then acted fine the rest of the night....but now,any complaint by my kids and i feel an immense fear.

i also fear for my health mostly because i think the trauma it would cause kids if they lost their mama....   i have weird flutter feelings in my heart.. i need to call our crummy insurance company and make sure i follow the right process to see a specialist...grown-up shit sucks...excuse my language....i rarely cuss.  but seriously, this all sucks. i would have been to a cardiologist a month ago if not for the insurance stuff....i can't seem to get anything done.

i fear for my daughter's mental health because of her worries....her constant worries about everything since Nolan died.

so much fear....i know worrying does no good, but i worry i may miss something important if i don't worry...