Anxiety Can Really Ruin a Day

I just wrote a post on my other page about how much anxiety I have suffered today.  You can read the lovely details here:  http://www.bubblews.com/news/9605474-anxiety-rules-the-day

It just got me thinking about how anxiety and panic attacks can really ruin someone's day, week, month, year, life!  Last year at this time, I was suffering immense ongoing attacks.  I believe hitting all the first holidays without my son was THE major factor in it.  Honestly, it was debilitating.  I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

For awhile, I was taking some daily anxiety meds to help.  Eventually, I grew tired of feeling like a zombie.  So I stopped.  I started exercising more and it helped.  Then I turned to Yoga which helped even more.

I have been doing yoga for about three months now.  Until our vehicle situation (which is the source of some of my anxiety), I was being really good about going 4-5 times a week for yoga, plus another day or two for just exercise.  Lately, I have been lucky if I can go once a week. 

Then today came the anxiety attacks.

Tomorrow, thankfully, I can do yoga for sure.  My husband is off work.  Friday, I think if we do not have our vehicle back, I will take him to work so that I can make sure I can go again.  I think it helps me.  I'm certain it helps me. 

I hate it when I feel like I have today.  And to think, last year, I probably suffered like this for several months.  I'm not going to reach that point again. 

Pictures of You

I'm thankful for photographs of your beautiful face.  How I wish I had more.   There are days when I am looking through old pictures and I notice one with you in the background.  I get to see an expression on your face that I haven't seen in nearly two years. 

 Even the blurry photos of you are meaningful to me.  I have on on this post that is blurred, but it is you in the middle of being silly.  I look at it and want to see you act silly again. 

I do not know how anyone could ever think that a mother gets over the loss of her child.  I've heard the words "letting go" and "moving on" too many times from people who have never lost a child. 

People have often said how lucky I am to have so many photos of Nolan.  It's true.  I do feel grateful to have so many pictures of his beautiful face.  There are moments that I look at them and suddenly it hits me that the photos are all that I have.  I'll see his sweet smile and suddenly feel sick to my stomach.  I'll remember that he is gone

It's not that I ever forget that he is gone.  However, some moments I am actually in the moment of what is happening in the here and the now.  Then a physical feeling overcomes me.  I am not sure how to describe it, but it is an actual feeling that my body experiences.  It is sort of like a chill that travels through my entire body, often originating in my stomach, and it has a hint of nausea to it.  Then it reaches my throat and sometimes it makes it hard to breathe.  Other times it makes me feel like throwing up.

Two years later and I still experience this often. 

A grieving mother does not get over it. 

She learns to live with it because she has to.