the funeral, the wake, the first few weeks

Such a blur...

Patrick went to the wake of a neighbor tonight.  This neighbor, Paul Welsh, attended Nolan's wake and it was the first time I had met him.  Nolan had such a way about him.  He knew neighbors, they loved him.... I know no neighbors.

The wake though, the funeral, it is all a blur.

Oh, there are parts that I sort of remember... There's a couple sorority sisters that I hadn't seen since about 1990 that I was so surprised to see... I remember that.   There's the hugging of Ciara's soccer coach that I never had spoken to before.  I remember that.  There's the image of 26-30 altar boys serving at Nolan's funeral.  I remember that, though I could no longer tell you who the boys were... I don't remember that.  I don't remember most, to be honest. 

I remember being surprised at all these folks from soccer (Nolan's, liam's and Ciara's) that came... I was touched.  But I can't remember faces. 

I remember sitting in the limo after the funeral awaiting the drive to the cemetery and seeing angie bush, a friend that I hadn't seen since high school walking through the parking lot.  I never got to speak to her.  I know she was there though and that means so much. 

I remember seeing my friends Heidi and Monica on that horrible Saturday morning, a brief hug, but not actually getting to talk to them...

I remember hugging Shannon and Marti and thinking to myself how tall marti is.... the things that pop in your head when you are in the middle of a tragedy sometimes surprise you... I was about to see Nolan's body for the last time & I was thinking about the tallness of marti...

I remember person after person bringing food.  but I don't remember who or what... I still haven't written all my thank you's.   most people I think get it... I still have my list.  I still have my thank you cards.  I still hope to eventually thank everyone...  but it's been nearly six months.  and here I am...

I remember my friend Lydia calling me to talk, I haven't actually spoke to her in years in person...  the call was odd because I could barely hear her due to some weird connection... and well, weird because my son was dead.  she was my closest friend during my pregnancy with Nolan... she was the first friend at my job that I told... so long ago that seems.... the day I told her I was expecting him... to the weird call when he was gone. 

I remember waking up the second day and not being able to sleep.  well I say waking up, I hadn't slept more than probably 30 minutes.  but I got up... and I decided to drive to starbucks.  I remember standing there ordering my coffee thinking no one knows how sad I am. 

I remember money coming into my hands and my thoughts of how wrong it was that there was money coming into my hands because Nolan was dead. 

I remember thinking how much I loved getting meals when I had babies...  now I was getting meals because my baby was dead.... I still appreciated the meals.... I couldn't have survived those first couple months without them... but I didnt' love them like I did the meals when I had a new baby. 

I remember walking into my house right after th ehospital on 123112 and my dad walking by me and instead I hugged a friend from coop.  I was in such a daze.  here was my dad who was suffering like me and I walked by him.... after I hugged her, I realized what was happening and I hugged him.  it was such a daze, such a haze.  there were moments that I thought "how do I act"

I remember sitting in the hospital and NOT crying... I was in such shock. 

I remember hanging up with 911 and screaming at the top of my lungs "no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and Ciara looking at me as I dropped to the snow-covered ground. 

I remember hugs from acquaintances... I remember sad looks.... I remember feeling embarrassed about my messy house... I also remember not giving a rats-ass about my messy house.....

but honestly, most of it is so vague.  I feel like I needed a videographer following me around for that first 2 months or so because I just dont' remember most of it....  

 

btw, this is Nolan saying "I love you mom" on a Saturday morning with Patrick... they were at the broadway café after mass.