thoughts

random thoughts float in and out of my brain and I think if I had my blog handy i'd write them all down.  then when I get it out & start to write, I forget what I was thinking of... that is something I dont' think that non-grieving parents get is just how shakey our thoughts are... just how easily we forget things.  i'm honestly surprised more bereaved parents don't just lose everything, starting with their jobs which then progresses to their homes (etc).... but seriously, I have said all the time that i'm amazed at Patrick going back to work and being able to work, to function.  I think, for him, it's a distraction.  just like tv and pinterest and wine and reading facebook and words with friends and tv (did I say tv) are distractions for me... but for him, it's a distraction and he doesn't think about all this horrible stuff while he is working. I know that he sometimes has to step away from his desk because he is thinking about Nolan and is about to cry.  I don't know how often.  he told me that earlier on... i'm sure in the beginning his employers understood.   but now do they?  I think that is one of the unspoken horrible side-things that goes with this horror is that no one gets how we don't get over it... how years from now we will still need to step away to cry.... I hope that it eases up for me, for Patrick.  today I was crying as we drove down the street and I thought to myself how there are certain places I cry EVERY time.... one is driving down the street listening to music (it all reminds me of Nolan) two is church... I cry every single sunday at mass for various reasons which is a whole other blog and three is every time I work out at the gym.  without fail, I cry at these three things.  but you know, for Patrick, he is working for a living, working to take care of us... he is just as heartbroken as I am... yet he has to function.  I mean, I have to function too... but it's different.  there's more understanding where I am.... if Patrick messed up at his job due to his grief, he'd lose his job.  if I mess up, well, we are just behind on school work or we miss an activity.   
maybe not all dads are just as heartbroken as the mom... but Patrick was so hands on with Nolan from day one.  and they had such a good relationship.  he's heartbroken... just like me.