Disbelief

There's still a certain level of disbelief as I walk through every single day in a haze of gloom and grief.  I look at Nolan's smiling face in photographs and I am filled with such a desperate longing to see him again.  I relive that awful moment of walking into his bedroom that horrific morning.  I shut my eyes and I open them and yes, I'm awake.  It's not a dream.  It is a terrible reality.  Terrible.  That's not even an evil enough word for it.    Horrific?  I do not think there is a word in the English language that can truly describe it, losing your child like this.  Losing your child period is a nightmare.  And we can argue what way is the worst way.  Patrick and I have said a few times that suicide would have been worse.  Or knowing your child was a victim of molestation.  But.... the trauma that we all feel from that day, the post-traumatic stress that we feel.... finding our beautiful son dead in his bedroom when he went to bed healthy.... How can I believe it is real?