so sad, so tired

It has been a tough week.   Extra emotional.  Then mothers day yesterday.  My first without Nolan.  It hurt so bad.  I tried to enjoy my family, my other kids.  There were smiles.  There was gardening outside on a lovely day.  There was pizza and beer at Waldo pizza and noisy kids.  There was tv at home to unwind.  There was home made French toast compliments of ciara.  A flower from Logan.  an offer from Liam to take me to the movies.  B but there was no Nolan.  Last mother's day he gave me two paperback mysteries that he had bought at a garage sale....he knew I liked mysteries .  He asked the woman who was having the sale of she had any mysteries.   He was always so thoughtful....always.   now he's gone and my heart is broken

another friend writes about Nolan...

it means a lot to me when my friends write about him....in fact, the couple times I've noticed that a blogger friend has not,it has really hurt my feelings.... anyway, here's a post by my friend Kerrie.   i think she even posted more than once about him...and that means so much...

http://www.thekerrieshow.com/2013/02/in-memory-of-nolan.html

stitches, moles, asthma, and stuff

you and Liam spent most of your time in our backyard.  so imaginative, curious, adventuresome.  I'd look at you boys digging in the backyard, finding bugs, building forts, racing each other.  always making up games.  last summer, you created this fun water balloon game that we all played outside a couple hot summer evenings...even i played!   it was great and came from your creative mind.

a few years ago, we had a rope hanging from one of the trees and you would swing on it, like a monkey.  it was great fun that you started and before long all of you kids were taking turns, laughing, having a great time.  one afternoon, you were playing this swinging tree game and suddenly i hear a scream and you come running into the house... blood was everywhere.  you had swung right into the tree with your face, your mouth.  mouth injuries always seem to bleed a lot (something i don't think i knew until i had adventurous kids)..... but this was seriously squirting out and i thought "is there an artery there i should be concerned about?"....  called 911 and panicked, not very calm and motherly like i should have been.  it scared me.Patrick came home, took you into children's mercy, gotcha a couple stitches...you had this cute scar on your lip.....

you had a couple big, scary moles....you were sure you had skin cancer.  you'd be playing soccer and trying to keep your shoulders and chest out of the sun.  it was comical,yet sweetly sad to watch....we had them removed for your peace of mind.  i took you for the procedure.  you were scared.  you cried.  you were  getting so grown up, yet you needed me that day.  i sat and held your hand while they removed them.

asthma....from the time you were four months old,  i would give you breathing treatments....holding you on my lap when you were little, holding the mask over your face middle of the night when you were big and just listening as you did it yourself as you grew into a young man.

being your mother is such a privilege Nolan.  every time i got to care for you, nurture you...a privilege.

 I'm sorry  i messed up and missed that something was wrong with you.  I'm sorry that i failed to nurture you that fateful night.  I'm so sorry

empty

this horrible emptiness is never going to go away....you are gone, my sweet,sweet boy.  nothing can fill that void.  somehow, i have to keep living though.  i think how unfair this is to all of us, but especially to your brothers and sisters.  not only was their innocence robbed by this tragedy, but now they have sadness in their lives that is just not right....and they lost you

grief counseling

went to group grief counseling tonight. it was good.  i cried for an entire hour.  it was seriously good to be able to do that. i hope can continue it for some time. being around other bereaved parents is helpful.

i hate thinking

about this nightmare.... we seriously have been watching more tv than ever.. filling my head with fluff seems to be the only thing fighting off pain

I'm still not praying really, not much anyway... i feel such  darkness about God

comparing my grief

"they" say not to compare your grief to that of others.  our suffering is our own.   even those who've suffered the same loss (ie me and Patrick)  are suffering individually.  i can't help it though, i compare myself to others... sometimes i think "my story is THE worst".....others i think, gosh that's worse.

the woman with the stillborn baby:  i think, well, her loss is less. she didn't spend every day with that child, know that child.   but then i think, would i have preferred Nolan to have been stillborn?  to never have known him?  to never have had those 13 years?   whose loss is truly greater?

the child who dies from cancer:   i say "at least they had warning!!!  "  our traumatic situation feels so much more horrible, the blindsiding in our own home that robbed our other children of security.   yet...... cancer..... imagining my sweet Nolan suffering for months, excruciating pain, not being able to help him.   can i honestly say I'd choose that simply so i could have warning?

the mother who loses a grown child who has children of their own:  my first thought is selfish.  "they had more time with their child. they are so lucky.  and at least they have grandchildren,  a part of their lost child"  is her loss any less than my own?  sure, i envy the extra years that she had with her child, but she hurts the same as i.

the child who dies in some sort of accident:  unlike me and Nolan, there something or someone to blame,  the driver of another car, the carelessness of the child, mother nature....yet, they too had a sudden unexpected shock, they too went from normal to this hell.  and they may even suffer more guilt than i do.... i feel many "what ifs" about Nolan.  yet, imagine the guilt of the mother who was driving the car which caused the accident or the mother who wasn't paying close attention to her child and something happened.   we are all lost without our child.  who is truly suffering more?

there's the awful circumstance that takes the life of a child, a senseless act of violence, murder:  again, someone to blame...but knowing how scared your child must have been... i don't know if Nolan was scared.  i pray he wasn't.  i hope he died in his sleep.  but a child murdered, gunpoint,what have you, knowing the fear they felt...

we are all suffering the loss of child.   there really is no comparing.  my pain is horrific.  so is the pain of the many other bereaved mothers.   we can't compare our individual suffering with the suffering of anyone else..

besides, what good does that do?