there are days where i just feel even more empty

today was one of them.... I played a song a couple times that always makes me cry about Nolan.  I didn't cry.  the only tears I shed today were when my feelings got a little hurt at a person's probably unintentional remark that made me think they think my kids are poorly behaved.... that brought some tears.  but I didnt' cry about Nolan.  I feel so empty today.  I feel like, gosh, I don't even know how to explain it.  I look at his pictures and there's this unreality of it, I feel hazy today, like none of it is real.  yet, it's so real that I feel empty.  I felt sad today as I looked at photos from Nolan's birthday... but I didn't cry.  I needed to cry.  I was alone at home in the house, the best time for me to cry. I can let it all out, I can scream.  but I didn't.  I just felt foggy.  I've been obsessing about this website called bubblews because i'm trying to earn money for Christmas on there because otherwise no idea how we will afford gifts this year.  and really, with the suckiness of Nolan not being here, i'd hate for the gifts to be sucky too.  I know that isn't what it's about.... but still, the kids deserve some magic.  and so, i'm spending loads of time on this website trying to earn a few bucks to help with Christmas.  anyway... that's what I have thought about today.  I guess my distractions worked today if I didn't cry.  but I kind of wanted to since I was home alone.  and I didn't.  empty. 

Nolan was the Exception, I think

I look at all my children, all of whom I love deeply.  I see their qualities, I see their faults.  I see things that I want them to work on, I see things that I know is just a phase (i.e. being a 12 year old boy!).  I see Liam acting like every boy I remember from that age acting... silly, boyish, rowdy, goofy sense of humor, difficulty sitting still.  I think he still shows respect, which is important, but he may not always pay attention when he should.  He's a goofball & I love that about him.  I know that someday the silly things that make boys laugh at the age of 12 won't necessarily make him laugh when he's an adult, or even 15.  Nolan was a goofball too.  He seemed to have an easier way about him though.  He naturally knew how to be polite and respectful and saved his goofiness for the proper times.  Liam is polite and respectful, but he doesn't always remember to save the goofball antics for the right time because HE IS A 12 YEAR OLD BOY!   I think Nolan was the exception, really.  From my own experiences growing up, from kids I have known through my life, Liam is the one who acts like I think 12 year olds normally do.... silly.  goofy.    He's a good kid.  He has a big heart and always wants to do what is right.  He loves his family.  He loves God.  He's just a boy for goodness sakes.

And you know, I'm glad.  I am glad that even after losing his brother, his best friend AND being the one to find him, that he can still act like a normal 12 year old.  I'm glad that he finds things like farting funny, even though I don't.  And I am proud of him.

Logan is hyper and can't seem to sit still.  he too likes to act silly.  again, I'm glad!  I'm glad he can act silly after all we have been through.  He'll mature eventually and settle down and I know he's a good kid too.  Having older brothers, he seems to grasp onto that silly dumb boy humor at an earlier age then they did.  But someday, he will be a great grown up young man.  I'm already proud of him.

Ciara is a girl and all girl.  She's going through the tough lessons that girls have to go through, learning that you have to be true to your friends, that you have to be kind to others even if sometimes you don't feel like it.  Girls are snarky, girls are mean.  Ciara falls into the same trap as all girls do at times, but we talk about it and she will learn.  And she has a big heart and will eventually make someone the most wonderful friend in the world.  and when she grows up, I know she will always want to help people, bbecause that is what she does now.

So I think Nolan was the exception.  All of this growing up stuff seemed to come pretty easy for him.  He rarely seemed insecure.  He knew when to do what.  It was just his personality.  I don't love him any more or any less than the others.  I love them each for their own beautiful selves. 

feeling sad, of course

looking through old pictures from Nolan's last birthday.... i'm so sad. 

still so filled with anxiety

i'm home alone with ella today & having an anxiety day... crap.  I hate it.  I have been feeling better, but still occasionally having the difficulty breathing.  I think it is anxiety, but sometimes I still worry it is health.  I had so nmany tests done over the last two weeks.  I feel better, then I feel bad.  is it just anxiety?  I already took my meds and still feeling anxious.  I hate it.  I just want to feel good.  healthy.  I don't like this at all. 

more on anxiety

I have a constant feeling of anxiety these days & I honestly just want to feel NORMAL again... and by normal, I mean as normal as a mom who lost her son can feel.  I want to be able to just physically feel OK.  Today's been rough.  Ella is sick with a  fever.  And it's making me exhausted.  Poor girl.  And you add the fear I feel on top because last year Nolan had both a throw up bug and a fever bug within a month of each other and then he died.  So now here is ella.... so i'm scared.  and tired.  it sucks.  i'm sure the fear doesn't help my anxiety.  and I had to drive to Lenexa twice today and seriously, not sure why but driving seriously makes me anxious now.  almost everything does though.... I rarely feel relaxed.  Maybe when I am in bed and it is quiet.  That's about it.  Even then, I worry. 

my most recent post

I'm writing on another site too called www.bubblews.com  I save most of my writings about dealing with this sorrow and pain for this site, but occasionally I will write a post there that needs to be posted here too.  so here's one I wrote today.  http://www.bubblews.com/news/1576891-writing-from-the-heart

my anxiety

I have been suffering extreme anxiety lately.  I'm sure part of it is just that the holidays are upon us.  My favorite time of year.  Now living it without my sweet Nolan.  I still have moments of disbelief.  How can this be real?
I seem to feel anxious every time I have to drive the kids somewhere, especially if it is a longer drive.  I usually do ok driving to our close co-op, but anything else and I am biting my nails & feeling short of breath.  It's kind of a crappy thing because as a mom period, let alone a homeschool mom who has to constantly run her kids places, it is not good to fear driving.  I hope it's temporary.
I've started on a daily anti-anxiety/anti-depressant to hopefully help.  So far, I'm not noticing a big difference.  I'm still needing my as needed drug too.  Kind of sucks.  I don't like to be dependent upon medicine.  But I guess this isn't your normal situation.